Aohrodite Wounded - Support for Women sexually assaulted by male partners and educational resources for professionals
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SURVIVORS SHARE ACCOUNTS OF PARTNER RAPE IN ADULT RELATIONSHIPS

Survivor's Name:

Julie

Survivor's Story: Eight months ago, we were having our first date. He came over to my apartment and we were talking and having a great time. We started a movie and he put his arm around me. After a while he started kissing me and I was ok with this. He then picked me up and carried me to my bed and I told him I didn't want to have sex and I wanted our clothes to stay on. He didn't listen to what I said and he continued to work to take my pants off. After a while I gave in and let him. We were still kissing and he was touching me. I don't remember all of the details, but it turned in to us negotiating what was acceptable or not, which was more than I originally wanted because I already gave in to having my clothes come off. We started having sex and I let it happen for a while then wanted to stop. He would for a little and then continue. The parts I remember (we weren't drinking, but I only seem to remember the worst parts) I was pleading with him, asking him to look at me and listen to me, telling him he wasn't listening to me. There was even a point when I was trying to push and kick him off of me, but he held down my arms and spread my legs open to continue to have sex with him. Eventually I stopped and remember thinking to myself, enjoy this the best you can because it wasn't going to stop. He finally finished and it was over.
This is where I am now having a hard time dealing. He stayed and we talked like everything was ok. After a while he left and I knew what happened was not right and I should never talk to him again, this was our first date and should have been easy to do, but for whatever reason I chose to ignore this thought and continued seeing him. We were in a relationship for 5 months until he ended it with me and then we were off and on for 3 months. The only reason we aren't still in a relationship is because he doesn't want to think about a commitment or possible future together. I never experienced anything quite like the first time with him again in our relationship. What I did experience is him not listening to me if I didn't want to have sex, he would continue to touch me and take off my clothes and I would just give in.
Honestly, I never really thought much of this, until now. I realize that even him not listening to my wishes right away about not wanting to have sex was not showing me respect. I am having a hard time managing my feelings because they are so conflicting. I know what he did was not right and he took my voice and power that first night, but there is still a part of me that misses him and longs to be with him. These emotions are more difficult for me to deal with than what he actually did to me.
To back track a little on this story. About a month after we first started seeing each other I went out of town to a wedding. I got black out drunk and woke up the next morning naked in a hotel room with a guy I had just met at the wedding. I don't remember anything about how we got there, just waking up there. When I woke up he was over me kissing me and I turned my head away, then he tried sticking his penis in my mouth and I turned my head away and rolled over and then he proceeded to have sex with me from behind and I laid there just waiting for him to finish without saying anything. I couldn't believe I was in a situation like this again. How the hell did I let 2 guys within 1 month mistreat me?
I told the guy I was dating that I got drunk and had sex with someone. I didn't process what really happened and how wrong it was. We continued to date each other, but this incident was a turning point for him and he didn't allow himself to see a future with me. He eventually started bringing this incident up again because he was angry and hurt that I slept with someone. Eventually after having to continue to talk about it with him, I came to terms with what really happened that night and I told him about it. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised by him still being angry and blaming me for the incident, because he had raped me already so why would he think I didn't do anything wrong.
I have since talked to him about the shame I felt for what happened at the wedding and that is why it was hard to talk about and took me so long to bring up. He thinks I'm manipulating him by what I am telling him. As I am writing this, I realize I carry more anger that he doesn't want to be with me when I never did anything to intentionally hurt him when he has disrespected me and treated me less than from our first date. It is these emotions that are so hard for me to deal with.
Submitted March 30 , 2014 6 : 34 pm

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