Aohrodite Wounded - Support for Women sexually assaulted by male partners and educational resources for professionals
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"I'm not no animal in the zoo
This animal will jump up and eat you
~ Sinead O'Connor ~
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Survivor's Story: I haven't got a clue where to begin, but reading so many inspirational stories has made me want to get my own out.

I was with a man for 5 years. I loved him so much, I gave him everything. He was moody, difficult and unbelievably selfish. He came first, regardless of the occassion and regardless of the circumstances. I wanted so much to make him happy, to be the one in his life who kept him positive. When being myself wasn't enough I desperately resorted to sex, trying to give him every sexual pleasure I could to keep him happy.

The sex life we had started out good but slowly turned into horrible sexual abuse. When he suggested that he would like to try anal sex I obliged, finding it painful but wanting him to be happy. He pressurised me hard to go on the pill so he was free to ejaculate inside me whenever he wanted. Sex became more and more about him, making me feel degraded and unworthy of his love. I performed oral sex on demand and pretended not to notice when he became less and less interested in my vagina and only wanted anal.

It reached the point where I had to blank it out mentally to try and cope with what he did. Sex involved him ordering me to strip naked before spreading me out on the bed, roughly fingering me in both openings and proudly boasting about how many fingers he could get inside me. It started to hurt, having lots of his fingers forced into both my openings. I felt like a piece of meat, spread out to be played with and poked like a toy.

The worse times were when he started having sex with me before saying he wanted anal. I tried to protest, saying I preferred him as we were. He ignored me, saying he had to have it and forcing himself inside me. I remember clenching and tightening my muscles, doing anything I could to keep his penis out, but he always managed to force it in. It hurt when he did this, I just lay there closing my eyes and hoping he would climax quickly. Once he tried to force a vibrator into my anus - I cried out in pain but he persisted, trying again and again to push it in. When he realised it wasn't going to work he angrily started having anal sex with me, pushing the vibrator deep into my vagina as he thrust. This double penetration was so painful and so shameful, like I was just these two holes for him to poke and play with.

All I feel now is shame and humilation as what he made me do. I find it so hard to talk about as anal sex is seen as so disgusting and dirty. I feel like my body is dirty, that the sex which was supposed to exist between loving partners was filthy and dusgusting. I was scared of him, and when he told me to tell him whether it felt good I had to lie, claiming I loved the feeling of him up my back passage. That feels sick, like I played a role for him. We are apart now, thank God, but I look back and feel nothing but shame and embarrassment. He used my body like a toy, proudly listing off every part of it that he had ejaculated onto. More than anything the anal sex makes me feel disgusting and holds me back from confiding more in those who could support me. I feel it was done to control, to make me ultimately submissive and to allow him a claim on my body.

I am grateful that I am still here, alive and healthy, when so many poor women do not escape men like this. I hope so much I can recover from this and learn to not feel like a dirty and tarnished woman. He made me feel like some sort of disgusting animal, performing sex acts on demand and having my body used and abused. Admitting it has helped, at least I'm starting my journey to recovery.
Submitted December 9 , 2010 12 : 48 am

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