||I'm struggling to deal with how my boyfriend has acted towards me. He's still in denial that he raped me. He's called it rape before, although I have never used that word when in discussion with him, but depending on how he feels at the time, "it didn't happen", he "can't remember it", or I "could have stopped it".
It wasn't just the once. But it has only happened twice. He kissed me hard and I knew he wanted to have sex. I was tired and hungry after a long day, and a long journey to see him. I suggested that we make dinner first, and he completely ignored me. He continued to kiss me and touch me, so I told him again that I wasn't really in the mood. He began to undress me. I asked what he thought he was doing and he told me he loved me. I told him I loved him too (I did, and I still do) but that I wanted him to stop. He still didn't. He picked me up and put me down on the desk in his bedroom, opened his jeans and entered me quickly. We'd been having some arguments about whether it was completely necessary to use condoms, as I had started to take the pill. I would often remind him that I decided to take the pill as an extra contraceptive precaution, not as an alternative, but I regularly had a hard time getting him to use a condom.
I was shocked at his behaviour, and for a while I couldn't speak to get him to stop. I sat still, my head banging against the wall with every thrust, wondering why he couldn't wait. We'd had sex that morning, and we'd only been apart long enough for him to travel back to his university, for us both to attend lectures, and for me to follow him later in the day.
He didn't hold me close like normal. He had his hands on my shoulders, literally holding me at arm's length. He didn't talk. So I finally asked him why he hadn't listened when I'd said I didn't want this. He simply said we would cook dinner later.
I had no response. Soon afterwards he was finished. He ejaculated on my bare stomach, did his jeans up and walked to the bathroom, leaving me sitting there shaking. I cleaned myself up and got dressed, and we cooked dinner together. I was so confused as to what had happened. It wasn't loving, it wasn't caring, it wasn't consensual. But somehow, I couldn't make a big deal out of it. I was terrified that it would happen again, but I was worried about refusing him sex in future in case he became violent. This would have been out of character, but no more than forcing sex on me was out of character. Plus he'd threatened to hurt me a few weeks before when he was angry, and not even at me, I'd just happened to be there.
I hoped I wouldn't have to think about it afterwards, but I couldn't stop. We had sex often, it wasn't so bad when I told myself I wanted it and he wasn't making me, but I didn't really want it. I'd stopped trusting my boyfriend, who was also talking about me behind my back at this point and habitually looking at pornography and masturbating in his spare time when he knew this had upset me in the past and he'd told me he was going to stop.
I was unable to have orgasms any longer. As a result of this I began to fake them, so he would orgasm and sex would be over. I also began to have panic attacks during sex. I'd been suffering with them for a while, but despite having one at least every couple of days, it was very rare that it would happen when I was relaxing in bed with my boyfriend.
Normally he would be so supportive in other situations that I had them, and he didn't treat me badly during them even if we'd been having sex when it happened, but I felt like I was giving him more reason to think I wasn't good enough or I'd let him down. The panic attacks got worse, and I secretly blamed my boyfriend, after all he was the one who'd ruined something that should have been free of panic and stress.
The second time he forced me to have sex he threw me down on the bed, roughly, and I immediately told him I didn't want him to do what I assumed he was planning to do. He took no notice, and I told him I wanted to stop. He wouldn't listen. I closed my eyes and pretended it wasn't happening. I wondered if I should hit him, physically push him away, but I was scared he'd hurt me back, and be far more able to make me do what he wanted. So I lay still and let him continue. He ejaculated inside me with no warning. I was furious, but I didn't let him know that. I asked him why he'd done it, and he said he didn't mean to. I'm still not sure if I believe him. He must have felt like I was annoying him alot about wearing condoms.
More recently I spoke to someone about how my boyfriend had forced me into having sex with him. I was talking to a counsellor about other problems, and it all came out. My boyfriend asked me if I'd told her about what had happened, and I couldn't lie, so I told him yes. He was angry, and upset and I felt terrible for making him feel that way. I decided it wasn't doing either of us good to talk about it, but since he's said he had that feeling coming, and he's so sorry for ever treating me so badly.
I like to think it won't ever happen again. It's been a long time, and we've discussed it, and I believe he's sorry. But sometimes I still get angry that he will deny it if he feels ashamed, instead of dealing with it like I've had to. I think he understands how traumatic it was for me, and that it's still affecting me now. I still need to learn how to not resent him all the time. I feel like he's wrong with every little thing, because I know there's no way he can ever make up for what he did. I don't know if we should be together, because I get angry with him for the smallest things nowadays, because I haven't fully dealt with the problem, and it can never go away completely as long as we remain in a sexual relationship and I can remember how I felt all that time ago. I know I love him, and every other part of our relationship. The way he acts with me under any other circumstance is something I count myself lucky for having. I somehow need to forgive what happened, focus on everything else (because this is the only problem with our relationship) and manage to trust him properly again. He made mistakes, but I think I'll regret it if I let how he treated me ruin everything else we have together.