Aohrodite Wounded - Support for Women sexually assaulted by male partners and educational resources for professionals
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Survivor's Name:


Survivor's Story: I have been dating Tony for 3 1/2 years. At least I think I have been. He has only taken me out three or four times during our relationship so I am unsure. I say I am unsure because I have looked back on notes in my calendar and have realized that each time we broke up he would say "We were just Friends". I don't have sex with just friends. This was a Sexual Relationship for sure.

When I met Tony I was 3 months pregnant. I was with Kenny, the baby’s father at the time. I had just met him only (you guessed it - 3 months prior). I was in a very mentally and physically abusive relationship before. I knew the signs from a previous relationship and the baby's father started to act like abusers do. He would hit me on my butt (really hard to where it would sting.) I would tell him not to hit me like that but he did it all the time. He would put me down, tell me I needed to lose weight – I was like, why did you hook up with me if you wanted a skinny girl because I was heavy when we met.

We went out to a night club a block from my apartment. He spaced me off all night at the club, so when I finally found him and I told him I wanted to dance. He did not want to dance, so I told him if he was not going to spend time with me then I was going home. I had to make a scene in the club so he would give me my apartment keys. I walked home furious. Here I was carrying his baby and he did not care if I had even made it home safely. Kenny talked me into moving here so he could be close to his friend and to distance me from mine. I had just lost my job so I barely had any money to manage. It was a cheap move in and it took most of my money to move in.

I went over to yell at his friend who lent us money to go to the club because I wanted to vent. Well, he was asleep already but I saw Tony in his truck fixing to smoke a joint. I asked if he would share because I was so furious and needed to calm down.

Tony and I sat and talked and he told me he was into me. He told me if I hooked up with him that he would make all the bad memories that Kenny had put me through completely disappear. That sounded nice, I always had thought Tony was good looking. He had custody of his two children, Girl and boy. He lived with his mom to have a good support system for his children since the divorce was very messy and his ex-wife had kidnapped the children and went to Kansas and he had fought for the custody he already been granted in Houston, Texas. It was his support system for the kids to give them a sense of security. I thought surely this would be a good person who might actually treat me right. He is a good father who puts his children first, that is a plus. Good family support system, I can understand after all he went through trying to get his kids back.

When I had gotten back to my apartment I was locked out. I had locked the door before I left but the security lock was on which meant that Kenny had kicked in my front door and locked me out with the security lock. I mustered up a good shove and pushed the door as hard as I could to open it. It gave, yeah for me. I found Kenny at the foot of my bed and passed out. I decided to sleep in the bed that was my son’s bed; he had spent the night with some friends and was not home. I sure did not want to wake up Kenny. I thought about the discussion I had just had with Tony and thought it would be awesome to get together with him. I thought because of what he had said that he would be good to me. I figured he would be a better boyfriend then any of my previous ones.

When I woke up the next day Kenny was yelling at me, he told me to go to the store to get him some cigarettes and some coffee. I drove to the store but only purchased the cigarettes. When I got back he was mad because I did not bring the coffee. I told him I would walk up to the store and get it.

I had noticed a Sherriff at the store when I went there the first time, but my tags were expired so I decided to walk so the officer could not get on me about my tags. I told him what had happened and the officer did not seem like he wanted to help me, he said “why did you not call the police when he kicked in the door?” I told him “I do not have a phone to call from”. He said “there are payphones.” I said “I did not want to be out in the complex that late at night alone trying to call.” I told him “he is at my apartment now and he is trying to force me to have sex with him of which I refused. If he rapes me, or if anything bad happens to me because you (the officer) would not show up then it would be your fault.” He said he would come over in a few minutes.

I walked back and waited. Kenny was very mad at me because I did not buy the coffee. He threw the kitty litter box at me in anger (he knew I was not supposed to even handle the kitty litter box because it could harm the baby). While I was cleaning up the mess from the kitty litter box the police arrived. They told him he needed to pack what he can carry and leave and not to come back that it would be considered trespassing. The police officer gave me a case number and left. When I did follow up on the case number the police said they had no record of the incident taking place. I guess they did not file a report like they said they were doing.

That night Tony came over after I had told him what had happened that day. I guess I should have known from the beginning it was too soon to sleep with this man and I guess I set a precedent from that sexual encounter. After I had kicked out Kenny and had sex with this man. He proceeds to tell me that he is damaged goods and that he will probably not ever love me. He told me his ex-wife had embezzled money from his business and he had to walk away from everything to get custody of his kids. Working 80 hours a week to keep a business would cause him to neglect his kids so he sold the business and the assets to show the courts his kids meant more to him than the business. He said I should not to expect him to pay my bills or take care of me in any way. He said his children come first and that he would only see me after they had gone to sleep. He also said that the baby could not call him daddy.

Here I was; I just kicked out the baby’s father who was not working either at the time but he would have gotten a job and taken care of me unlike this man who promised just the day before that he would make me forget how bad I was treated by Kenny. I knew Kenny only used me for a place to live. He never really loved me and how do you know if you love someone after only 3 months.

Tony told me that he did not want his family to know we were together either. He did not want his children to think the baby I was carrying was his. He did not want to confuse them. He only took me out once during the pregnancy. But he sure could go three rounds a night when he wanted to have sex. He would space me off for days and when he wanted his booty call he would come over and of course I wanted to be with this man so we would have sex over and over again. I think he had a thing for pregnant women. I was lonely all the time. After the baby was born he visited me in the hospital and the nurse assumed he was the father, he was quick to clear that one up.

This was our relationship in a nut shell. I guess you can say I consented to be his sexual object but in my mind we were in a relationship, a couple. I found jobs here and there to make ends meet until I found a really good job. Tony was a man of his word when it came to helping me out, he never did. Having a baby at my age (41 at the time) was very exhausting. I would wait up at night hoping I would get to see Tony. He never called me to tell me if he was going to come over or not, he would just show up when he wanted his sex.

So not only did he get sex from me on a consistent basis, he neglected me at all other times. Then the big shocker came, I found out in September 2006 that he had slept with a previous girlfriend on all days his birthday!!!! He said she was pregnant and he needed to do the right thing. You’ve got to be kidding me, he spoke of monogamy, and we were supposed to be a couple. On his birthday, I was tired that night, the baby was only 7 months old, I was working full time and tending to the baby at night. Yeah, you could say I was completely exhausted. Tony said his friends wanted to take him out for his birthday and I was fine with that, I trusted him.

Funny thing about that was I had noticed I started having a strange discharge, but I figured it was another yeast infection (I had a lot of them when I was pregnant.) I did not think much about it until he called me to tell me he had to break up with me because he had sex with another women and she was pregnant and he wanted to do the right thing. He said he loved me and that he wanted to be with me instead of her. But if I would not take him back he would marry her and raise the baby.

During this time he was trying to convince me to have anal sex with him, I continually refused. I told him the only way I would even consider it is if he put a ring on my finger. I did not want to have anal sex ever, but I figured from his track record of hardly working (he was a mover only worked 2-3 days a week and usually weekends – that is when most people move). I knew deep inside he would never buy me a ring so I figure I dodged that bullet. I never wanted to anything like that with him and I was very adamant about not wanting to do that. I told him I had a friend who has medical issues because of her boyfriend doing that to her and even though she was on Medicaid, they would not take care of the treatment for the issues. So I figured if he tried to force this on me when I was married, at least he would have to be responsible for the injuries he caused and pay any medical expenses since he would be my husband. He even gave me a magazine to describe this in great detail about how it is done and to convince me to try it – “if I loved him then I would let him do this to me – since I have never given it to anyone else then this would be something special just between us.” I still told him NO.

We went through this drama for about a month, he said he wanted to be with me, not her and I would have to accept the fact about the baby and that he planned to get custody of the child and I would have to accept it as my own. Yeah were not married or even close to it but that is what was said. When Angela, the other women, had her doctor’s appointment she found out she was a month further along than she realized. Supposedly they only did it that one time. She apparently followed him home from the club he was drinking at. She was able to get him to have sex with her. Of course, I am sure you know how I felt, betrayed, ashamed, humiliated, unloved; he said he wanted to be with me – Yeah what a prize he has become.

I did go to the doctor and found out I had bacterial vaginosis. I had blood work done and I still owe the doctor and the lab costs because my insurance would not cover it. The total costing about $500.00 give or take. I even showed him proof of this because the doctor gave me a pamphlet describing the disease. He said it was all in my head and there was nothing wrong with me. I had the pamphlet to dispute this but he insisted it was all in my head.

On Thanksgiving 2006 Tony invited me and the baby to his sister’s house for dinner. All her husband’s Greek family was here from Greece. The baby was about 10 months old at this time. On the way to his sister’s house he told me that if anyone asked that we were “just friends”. Wow, did that hurt. I wanted to jump out of his truck but the baby was strapped in his car seat in the back seat of the truck and I would have abandoned him so that was not an option. Now I am really hurt and depressed from what he said so I just attended to the baby and tried to forget what he had said about the just friend’s thing. One of the lady’s at the dinner told Tony that he actually looked happy for once and that I must be a good influence in his life. He just played it off saying, “what do I usually look unhappy?” He said “I never thought I did”. When it was time to leave his mom and the kids stayed to help his sister clean up and to play.

Tony went home and waited until I got the baby down to sleep. He brought a bottle of wine and the Celtic Women DVD to listen to. He gave me a little blue pill he said was a pain killer (Darvocet) to “Help me wind down and relax”. I did not think anything of it so I took it. I made a pallet in the living room so we could watch the video and sip on the wine comfortably while snuggling on the floor. (I only had love seat type furniture so we could not lie together on the couch). It did eventually become sexual after a glass of wine. We would change our positions throughout our sexual encounters and I was on my stomach by this time. He started to put his penis up to my butt, I told him “NO I do not want to do this! I have already told you I do not want to do this! Stop, it is hurting me, please stop it hurts!” He just kept forcing it and I felt like my butt just ripped and it was so painful, I went numb and relaxed so that the pain would not be so bad. I felt like I died at that moment. I cannot believe he forced this on me, he was on top of me, I had no way to get him off of me. He did not lubricate me or anything he just kept forcing it, ignoring my pleas to stop and that it hurt. He was obsessed and would not stop. Once he finished he got up, got dressed and went home. I made a note in my calendar when it had happened. I realized that I should never drink alcohol with him again.

I got up and went to the restroom. I felt like I needed to make a bowel movement but nothing but his sperm came out. I took a shower and tried to understand what had just happened to me. I thought he loved me, how could someone who loved me do this to me? I felt violated, humiliated, ashamed, embarrassed and confused, like a part of me had died inside. I took a shower and tried to understand what had just happened to me. I thought he loved me, how could someone who loved me do this to me? He did not call for a couple of days and when he did finally call he asked if I was ok.

I was able to talk him out of trying to force anal sex on me I would say “it messes me up and I have to go to the bathroom all the time because I cannot hold my bowels to prevent an accident.” This would work until I lost my job on May 25, 2007. I was having a Manic episode. I was losing control, verbally assaulting anybody and everybody. Tony gave me a pain killer he said to “Help you calm down” he then proceeded to anal raped me again. It was only 2 days after I lost my job (May 27, 2007). I guess he figured that I could run to the bathroom as often as needed because now I had no job as an excuse. I was trying to deal with the issue of being “Laid Off”. When he tried to have anal sex with me again I told him NO but he would not listen and did what he wanted to do anyway. He said nothing, He spit on his hand to lubricate me there, he knew he had me in a compromising position and he did what he wanted and ignored my pleas to stop. After he left, I wrote sodomy in my calendar so I would be able to remember when this happened to me.

I was upset from losing my job – they terminated me for filing a complaint about sexual harassment in the office. A girl in the office lifted her shirt in front of me towards the girl I shared the office with. I did not realize until lately that when I filed the complaint with the EEOC that I was putting my anger towards the wrong person. Yes the incident happened during the Thanksgiving season, right around the time Tony had raped me. I was transferring my pain towards the company and not seeing that the pain I was feeling was because of what Tony did to me. It did put a strain on my psyche.

He forced anal sex on me again on July 17, 2007. Each time he forced anal sex on me I made a note in my calendar.

He had taken me out to eat to Black Eyed Pea and the kids (his and mine) had came along too. I had placed my order for a Steak and the waitress took everyone else’s order and brought the menus and crayons as they do to keep the children entertained. When she arrived with our food, mine was wrong; she brought me a chicken fried steak. I was upset and told her that I had ordered a steak. Tony said he knew she had heard me wrong because she did not ask me how I wanted my steak cooked. So he knowingly let her bring me the wrong plate when (if he loved me) he could have prevented the humiliation for both of us had he just spoke up and said something in order to prevent the scene. I had to wait for my food to be cooked and by the time she brought the food I told her to put it in a to-go box because everyone else was done eating. He sided with the waitress and not me. I thought I meant something to him. He even gave the woman a tip.

He never took me out after that – not for my birthday (never took me out on my birthday ever during the entire time of our relationship) or any kind of date at all. He never invited me to his sister’s house for Thanksgiving again. He would take his children to the beach and not invite me. I found out the day after that happened and I was selfish to be angry for not being invited. He has a right to do things with his kids, I get that. But he did not even invite me which I felt like he was saying he was ashamed of me still. When he made a big tip from a customer he never asked me out to dinner or anything. He took his mother and the kids, never me. I felt more and more used all the time. He was embarrassed being seen with me and ashamed of me. Why did he stay in this relationship for so long if he did not love me?

Since the baby is now three, I would purposely let him stay up so Tony could not come over and have sex whenever he wanted. He had to wait until the baby was asleep. Of course he would say the baby needed to be in bed by a certain time but I told him that I only get the evenings and the weekends with him and if I want to spend as much time as possible with my son then I have that right. He would stay up until news came on (9:00 pm) and I would try to put him to sleep then. This kept Tony from getting sex on call like he had been used to and I could tell it was putting a strain on our “relationship”. He did not pay my bills therefore he did not have a say in how I raise my child.

His father had passed away in March 2009. Tony started drinking and he sent me a text saying nasty things he wanted to do to me. I was shocked by the message and I purposely fell asleep that night because I did not want to have sex with a drunk. I was afraid he would hurt me or force more anal sex on me.

After his dad was cremated his family had a memorial in California. He rented a U-Haul to bring back items his dad had stored in many storage units in Oregon. When he was leaving town, I told him “I love you” and he did not say anything back to me. This did hurt my feelings. He did call me while he was in Oregon to let me know how things were going from his sister’s cell phone. He was trying to convince me to send him naked pictures of me over the cell phone. I told him no way. At that time again before we got off the phone I told him that I loved him, he again did not say anything back. After 3 ˝ years if he cannot tell me he loved me in front of his sister (who knew we were a couple) then I realized that he never loved me. I was deeply hurt I had done so much for this man, lent him my truck when he needed transportation to get to work, to see his ex-wife so the kids could see their mom who had just moved back into town. We exchanged a lot of words and I was called white trash. I told him that at least I could hold my own, and support my family.

Tony had a friend who needed a car. My co-worker had just given me a car because her husband had just bought her a brand new HHR. The car has some issues, no brakes and electrical problems. Tony offered to give me $1,000.00 for the car. Tony used his mother’s car all the time and he had a truck in storage that he needed to fix up. When he was in Oregon, he had given at least 5 vehicles away to acquaintances of his father. He was more than capable to bring back one of these vehicles so I figured he did not need the car.

I was trying to decide if I wanted to go through the hassle and expense of fixing up the car. I asked Tony’s friend Darrel if he had someone who could fix the brakes if I gave him the car. He said he did and I mentioned that I have already put $40.00 into it and if he wanted to reimburse me then I would give him the car. During this conversation I found out that Darrel did not have a driver’s license and so he would not be able to transfer the title so I realized I could not even give him the car. I did not want to leave it in limbo as some people do which is also against the law. So I decided to keep the car. He said I was ungrateful for the gift and that I had no class.

Tony came over and I could tell he was mad at me. He asked for the jackets he had left over at my house. I gave them to him and I could tell there was tension in the air but the baby was up so I guess he did not want to start a scene in front of the baby. He said, “I heard you offered the car to Darrel for $40.00, I told you that I would give you $1,000.00 for it.” He asked me why I did that. I told him that I wanted him to know how it felt to be left out, overlooked and how it feels to be hurt by the one you love. He had hurt me in so many ways and so many times throughout our relationship.

I believe that he was only with me because I had told him I was going to press charges against him when we broke up last and he figured if he acted like my friend then I would not press charges. He left me a voice message on my cell phone and it said, “Twyla, you really want to know what has been bothering me you have been a good friend, but the one time I took you out to eat you were rude to the wait staff and made a big scene. Your friend gives you a car and all you do is bitch about it. You have no class.” GOOD FRIEND, WHAT??????? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He sent me a message on my cell phone saying he was considering marrying me when he was out of town but decided against it because he was afraid I would go crazy on him like his ex-wife did. I was so hurt by this and I realize he said that because he knew that is where I wanted this relationship to go – kind of a way of saying you almost got your way. I thought about all of this for a long time wondering what the hell was wrong with me to think I needed this asshole in my life. Even today, I miss him, I have been crying all day at work. I can’t understand what is so wrong with me. Why did he not love me? You know, I did a lot of nice things for him and the kids. I bought them presents only to get none in return (Easter, Birthdays, Christmas, St. Patrick ’s Day (he has some Irish in him).

Anyway, I guess you could say we broke up over the car because that was the last straw. I contacted him today for some closure and he sent me a message saying I treated him like shit. That I was selfish, that I only thought about myself. Hell, from what you have read, do you really think I ever got what I wanted out of this relationship? I meant nothing to him except sex, I was just a sexual object to him. I guess in the long run I should be thankful because from what I have read, it only gets worse once you get married. Hopefully, since I was not married to him and we did not live together that maybe the charges will stick this time. As far as I know I am the third person to file charges on him. The scary thing is I am afraid of him finding me and hurting me or worse, killing me. I know – it is a legitimate fear to have from what I have read. I let you know how it goes. Thank you for letting me vent and tell my story
Submitted November 21 , 2010 6 : 04 am

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