This story is hard for me to write,as i am still with my husband and feel like im betraying him even though he forced me to have anal sex last night? I still love him very much and cannot imagine life without him.Apart from him being 'sexually aggressive' he is an amazing,doting husband/father/soulmate.Everyone around me (inc my mum) say how lucky i am to have him and that he's a saint to put up with my suicide attempts/depression.

When i was 15 i lost my virginity by being raped by my boyfriend at the time (not my husband).Even though i screamed NO! over and over he ignored me.But being naive i stayed with him for 8 months in a cycle of sexual/physical violence (but no anal)...i thought this was the norm.After one extremely violent encounter i found the courage to leave him.I had a few boyfriends after none of which abused me,then i met my now husband when i was 17.

I fell head over heels in love, he was charming and kind.Although i did notice he was very dominating and forceful with sex.But i was always very submissive anyway after my previous experience,i dare not say no cos then it will be rape.
After 6 months together he forced me to have anal sex with him.I screamed with pain and struggled and clawed...he didnt stop,he just pushed my head into a pillow to muffle the cries.Afterwards he was extremely sorry and hugged me as we cried together.But this then became a regular thing and he soon stopped apologising and would just rollover and fall asleep whilst i cried next to him.

I moved in with him and his mum and fell pregnant at 18 he was 17.He continued to rape me throughout the pregnancy with his mum next door muffling my cries in the pillow(i would try my best to not scream by biting his hand).I always struggle and scream during anal sex,he is very well endowed so the pain is excruciating.He began to be agressive and a little violent during the pregnancy i.e shoving,restraining or the odd thump on the leg or arm but no beatings that still happens ocassionly to date but he's no wife beater.After giving birth he made me give him anal sex every night until my vagina healed(6 weeks).I ended up with piles,bleeding and anal splintchers.I threatened to leave him if didn't stop forcing me to have anal.He stopped for a while but it soon began again but only about once every few months.

We've been together for 9 years now with 2 beautiful kids and are still very in love.In fact he loves me too much sometimes he smothers me and is clingy but i love him all the same.This may sound odd as it was only last night he last anal raped me,i still begged him not to,i still scream,struggle,bite etc.I wish i could keep quiet in case the kids hear(i do try) he tells me i should "shut up and take it" in my ear "you can, you can SSSHHH".Last night he cuddled me whilst i cried afterwards,he kisses my forehead and says "your a good girl,you know i love you".

My husband speaks to my doctor and my psychiatrist saying i need help with my depression,he takes me to A&E when i try suicide or slash my wrists and holds my hand and reassures me.The psychiatrist knows im holding back during my sessions but i just cant tell anyone because i dont want to betray him.It may be hard to understand but i love him and always will.