Preface
About Us: A Common Journey
Louise's Path
Patricia's Path
The Paths Converge
Chapter 1
Our Primary Aim: Healing
Using this Book
Where and How do I Begin Healing?
Memories and Feelings
Finding Support: Speak Out
How can Counselling Help?
Afraid to Ask for Help?
Remember: Healing is not Straightforward
Cautionary Notes: Safety and Coping
Healing and Ongoing Contact with the Perpetrator
Staying and Healing
Is Healing Ever Complete?
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Chapter 2
Another Aim: Identifying Sexual Assaults
Sexual Violence Behaviours: Anal Rape
Oral Rape
Vaginal Rape
Sexually Abusive Touching
Gang Rape
Other Sexually Violent Acts
One-Off Sexual Assault
What is NOT Consent: Use of Physical Force
What is NOT Consent: Use of Other Types Of Coercion
Interpersonal Coercion
Social Coercion
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Chapter 3
Another Aim: Confronting Society's Denial
The Male Dominated Rape Culture
Rape Myths
The Political Scene
The Criminal Justice System
Church
The Media
Social Perceptions of Partner Rape are Hazardous to Women
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Chapter 4
Stereotypes of Women Raped by their Partners
The Questions Asked About the Victims: Are Women Raped by Partners Stupid and Crazy?
Are Women Raped by Partners Masochistic?
Are Women Raped by Partners Weak?
Are Women Raped by Partners Frigid?
Dispelling the Myths
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Chapter 5
Women at Risk
Feelings of 'Not Being Good Enough' or 'Different'
Growing Up With Physical or Sexual Violence
Witnessing Violence
Keeping the Secret: The Three Rules
'Don't Talk'
'Don't Trust'
'Don't Feel'
Breaking the Silence
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Chapter 6
Men Who Rape their Partners
Why a Chapter on the Perpetrators?
Types of Partner Rapists:
The Power Rapist
The Anger Rapist
The Sadistic Rapist
The Obsessive Rapist
Myths that Perpetrators May Act Out: Men who Rape their Partners are Out of Control
Rape is Part of Manhood
Rape is the Entitlement of Normal Men
Rape is a Type of Making Love
Sexual Violence Targeted at Children
Can a Partner Who Rapes Change?
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Chapter 7
Relationships in Which Sexual Assault Happens
Getting Involved
The Good Times
Other Abuses by Partners Who Rape
Emotional Abuse
Mental Abuse
Social Abuse: Possessiveness and Isolation
Financial Abuse
Spiritual Abuse
Physical Violence
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Chapter 8
Not Dealing With the Sexual Violence
How Men Who Rape their Partners Avoid Responsibility: Denial
Rationalization
Minimizing
Claiming Loss of Control
Blaming
What Women Do With Partner Rape:
Denial/Repression Minimisation
Rationalisation
Disassociation
Managing the Sexual Assaults
Survival vs. Ending the Violence
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Chapter 9
Recognizing the Effects of Partner Rape
Comfort through Commonality
Validation for your Pain
Identifying Where it Hurts
Greater Appreciation of your Survival
Emotional Effects: Powerlessness, Dirtiness, Shame
Haunted Women: Ongoing Fears of Men, Rape and the Perpetrator
Physical Effects
Impact on Future Relationships
Alcohol and Other Drugs: Trying to Numb the Pain
Teenage Rape Survivors
Isolation: Increasing the Effects of Partner Rape
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Chapter 10
Partner Rape and Trauma
The Stages Leading to Rape Trauma
PTSD: The Symptoms of Trauma:
Triggers
Nightmares
Flashbacks
Numbing
Avoidance
Sense of a Foreshortened Future
Fight or Flight and Freeze Reactions
Irritability and Anger Outbursts
Difficulty Concentrating
Hyper-vigilance
Sleep Disturbances
Clinical Depression
Disconnection
Self-destructive Behaviors
Prognosis: Healing
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Chapter 11
Staying with a Partner who has Raped You
Dynamics and Effects of Domestic Violence
Cultural Contributors
Internalized Beliefs About Relationships
Religious Reasons
Sex and Ownership
Social Invalidation
Nowhere to Go/Financial Concerns
Non-Mainstream Cultural Factors
Fears of Sexual Assault Outside the Home
Personal Beliefs: Where the Sexual Violence Figures in the Scheme of your Relationship
Genuine Love of your Partner
Children
Loneliness and Losses
Blackmail
Teenager's Views
Making A Choice: Safety First
Counselling
Safety Tips for Women who are Staying With a Violent Partner
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Chapter 12
Leaving and Safety
The Importance of a Safety Plan
Leaving In Crisis
Exercise: Assessing Your Strengths and Vulnerabilities
The Snares Set by Men Who Don't Want to Let Go
Rape/Sexual Assault
Stalking
The Coercion Factor
Emotional Blackmail
Using Children
Wooing and More Promises
Sex With Your Ex
But What if He's Really Sorry This Time?
Coming Through...
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Chapter 13
Secondary Wounding: Surviving and Healing From It
What is Secondary Wounding?
Forms of Secondary Wounding: Disbelief or Denial
Discounting and Minimising
Blaming the Victim
Stigmatisation
Denial of Assistance
Betrayal of Confidence
Siding with the Perpetrator
Silence
Making It All About Them
Intrusive Questions About the Rape
Effects of Secondary Wounding
Closeness to the Wounder
Protecting Yourself from Secondary Wounding
Writing
Confronting the Wounder
Self-Talk
What You Deserve
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Chapter 14
To Pursue Justice?
Contact with the Police
On to the Prosecutor
Going to Trial
Secondary Wounding on the Stand
Outcome
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Chapter 15
Healing: Naming the Wound
Why Name?
Looking at Obstacles to Naming
I Didn't Scream or Do Enough to Stop It
I Didn't Say No
I Was Aroused
Sometimes I Really Enjoyed Having Sex with Him
Helping You to Recognise and Name It
Comparing Partner Rape to Other Rapes or Sexual Relations
Identifying With Others and Receiving Validation
Becoming Aware of the Dynamics of Rape
Trusting Yourself
Watching the Inner Self-Talk
Recognising that it Mattered
Recognizing that YOU Matter
When Women Name the Rape
A Degree of Recognition
Emotional Readiness: Naming in Your Own Time
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Chapter 16
Healing: Your Feelings
Feeling Fear and Anxiety
Dealing with Your Fear and Anxiety
Feeling Grief and Sadness
What Can Help You through Grief and Sadness
Feeling Anger and Rage
Some Strategies that may Help with Anger
Feeling Self-Blame and Shame
Dealing with Self Blame and Shame
Feeling Self-Doubt
Dealing with Self-Doubt
Wholeness and Feeling
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Chapter 17
More Healing Steps: Making Choices
Making Safety Choices
Choosing to Set Limits With Other People
Choosing to Put Your Healing First
Choosing to End Isolation by Reconnecting
Disclosure
Making Friends
Meaningful Social Action
Choosing a Creative and Fun Healing Journey
Art and Writing
Dreamwork
The Anniversary of Violence
Choosing Self-Care
Giving Up Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Taking Care of Your Body
Listening to Music
Playing
Positive Self-Talk
Other Positive Steps
Choosing to Respect Yourself and Your Process
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Chapter 18
Relationships after Partner Rape
Making Choices: Same-Sex or Heterosexual
Choosing Whether to Have a Relationship
Safety in Future Relationships
Testing the Waters: Take Stock of Red Flags
Red Alert: Thoughts and Feelings that Can Compromise Your Safety
Contributions to a Healthy Relationship
What to Look for and Expect from Your Partner
Changing What You Can -Yourself
Communicating Happily Ever After..
.?
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Chapter 19
Sexuality after Partner Rape
Effects of Partner Rape on You as a Sexual Being
Automatic Reactions
Self-Injury
Other Behaviours that Deny or Harm Your Sexual Being
On to Healing: (Un)Favourable Relationship Conditions
Mastering Automatic Reactions
Creating New Meanings for Sex and Your Sexuality
Setting Sexual Limits
Reclaiming Your Sexuality
The Progress and Path of the Sexual Healing Journey
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Chapter 20
For Supporters
For Parents or Caregivers of Teenagers
How Do Women Tell About Partner Rape?
Some Ways of Helping: Believing Her
Responding Without Blaming or Minimising
Listening with Affirmation
Hearing Her Feelings and Beliefs
Reflective Listening
Respecting NOT Rescuing
Support Throughout a Legal Process
For Her Partner
For the Perpetrator Partner
Caring for Yourself
Emotions and Thoughts You Could Experience
Gestures that Mean a Lot
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Chapter 21
Breaking Down the Bedroom Door
Changing Values and Attitudes
The Positive Roles that Men Can Play
Empowering our Daughters, Nieces, Granddaughters, Friends...
Impacting on Our Sons, Nephews, Mates...
Keeping an Eye On the Media
From the Pulpits
Improving the Response to Partner Rape
More Resources for Survivors
Renovating the Halls of 'Justice'
Better Response by Health Practitioners
Meeting the Unique Support Needs of Partner Rape Survivors
Survivors Healing in Activism
Read Chapter Teaser Here
Appendix 1
About the Women in this Book
CONTENTS OF REAL RAPE