Aphrodite Wounded: Kate's Story of Marital Rape

Kate's Story

From my earliest memories I remember my Dad being aggressive, yelling a lot, hitting us, belting us, most of the memories don't include what I did to deserve been treated as such, other than I was stupid, should have known better, you are the oldest etc, mum usually dished out her own version of discipline, with a stick mainly, the beltings hurt more, left more scars, but I never understood the need to be beaten with anything, how often I went to school making sure all the welts or bruises were covered, this was definitely not just in my imagination as my sister also remembers similar treatment. This makes me all the angrier when Dad tries to "QUERY" my parenting with my children. He's a fine one to talk. Then there was the unseen scars, the fear at even the slight raising of his voice, of hearing furniture or other things being thrown around the house. The total feeling of inadequacy, the shutting away of my feelings to ensure I was not perceived as being weak.

I felt odd at school, teased for wearing bright coloured tights and with my long legs called names like "pippy long stockings" etc. Was like a fish out of water right from the start, never felt I belonged anywhere. My siblings were always seemed to be allowed more than me, maybe because I was first, things were relaxed more further down the line and as we grew older.

When I got my first job it was in as a shop assistant at age 16, about 6 months into the job another person begun working there. He was a year older than me. I had just come out of an all girls' school for 4 yrs with little interaction with males in similar age bracket, other than the odd dance with boys from local all boy's school or combined activities.

But before that going back to when I first starting my puberty years I remember mum hushing me as I was trying to ask questions about what was happening in my body (so dad wouldn't hear). Got to feeling that there was something wrong with what was happening to me. So after having been told I was stupid before that by dad, I don't know how often he said it but enough for it to stick with me forever since, now there was something happening to my body I didn't understand and nobody seemed to make attempts to help me understand. Got teased at school for being "overdeveloped" at least more so than others even though I was nearly youngest in class. So my changing body to me was not something I felt comfortable with. Nothing in my life felt natural, fear from the physical violence from Dad, being ridiculed at school, felt alone, afraid, confused, at school often ended up being befriended by people I thought were friends to later find out they and others were sniggering at me behind my back. There was only one group later in high school that I eventually fitted in with and it wasn't the group my parents approved off because of ethnicity but they were the only ones at the time who accepted me for as is, no conditions, more accepting than anyone else.

Back to where I was before I back tracked, when I was working with the guy at the shop we initially liked each other he seemed nice and short time later he asked me to go to the movies, which I did, as soon as theatre went dark he began touching my leg, I felt uncomfortable with this, don't remember much more about that night. After that at work we were alone together in the shop he started kissing me on and off, was to scared to rest but was usually just quick kiss so didn't do anything. Then one day we were getting lunch in the kitchen at the same time, he stopped and he pushed me against the wall, undid my jeans and took them down and began touching the outside of my vagina, massaging it and then started pushing his finger into it (ouch that hurt!!!!). I was freaked I didn't know where to turn or what to do, he thought I enjoyed it, at least I know he did, will never forget the grin!!, which is probably why it happened over and over and over again, day after day unless someone else was at work, and even then he would often risk it. I had never experienced arousal before, I recall was every time it happened I would run to the toilet to attempt to clean myself up, I certainly felt betrayed by my body, what was it doing, what was this sensation I experienced mean. This continued to be a regular occurrence nearly every day to the point I think I actually started to disassociate my mind when it was happening, some of the worst times were backed up against the walls of the cooler, I felt cold and dirty, the arousal feelings I felt were foreign to me which filled me with more fear, am I going crazy, what is happening to me???? The fact that he seemed unaffected added to me feeling "ABNORMAL"!!

Wearing jeans or trousers still creates issues for me, though now it is more loose fitting clothing. I can't stand being undressed by another for fear of being violated. I remember when married to first husband I would insist on having light off when I got changed much to his protest.

This abuse continued for more than 6 months until he wanted more, he wanted to have intercourse to take his abuse of me further, well this was the first time I was asked for consent as we would have to go away from shop for it to happen, my reaction was clearly no, he then stopped speaking to me unless he needed to until I left down another 6 months later. I saw him again years later, he still remembered me and my address, though by this time I was married it still filled me with huge fear and brought everything flooding back to me as I had not spoken about it to anyone in the 10 yrs that had passed and my marriage was in trouble at that point to.

Once I left the shop I went to work at a restaurant, I always enjoyed cooking but being in that environment is not the same as baking for family or making a nice meal to entertain others. Also having an aggressive and intimidating male boss didn't help at all. While I worked here two things happened to me that also impacted on my future, the first was one night when I was getting supplies from the store room a very drunk elderly patron from the then saloon bar came into the room after me, closed the door behind him and begun touching my breasts, grabbing them hard and kissing me, I don't know how long it lasted but I eventually pushed my way out and went back inside the back of the restaurant. This was another situation in which I was trapped and it was very dark (I was doing night shift), he smelled of beer. I ended up leaving the job there after the second incident which was a back injury, the injury was so severe I was advised to not do any heavy lifting again, therefore according to me boss I could not work there any more as heavy lifting was a requirement of the job. I went on search for new job and started work at a department store in the accounts area that would lead me to eventually work in office type positions ever since, which have never really enjoyed but seem to do well. About a week after the back injury went swimming with friends, I nearly drowned as I had swam out to beyond my depth not normally a problem for me but as I stopped my back went back out and I seized up, couldn't move, one of my friends needed to pull me back to the shore to safety.

Will skip a few years here, wasn't in relationships at this time, while was working at the Department Store office for approx next 3 years. When I was in last year there made friends with a group of people, one was a guy who was few years younger than me ( think he was 16/17, I was 19/20) but we hit it off and we hung around with the others in a group, we started "dating" and eventually we went flatting together about a year or so later, we were never "intimate" but on occasion did sleep in one bed, was really a weird relationship, the end of it was when he spiked my drinks with Vodka at a party at our place that night, I had 6 before someone told me, way too late, I didn't recall much of that night, other than spending a lot of time being sick and him and I discussing we were "just friends", I don't know if any thing else happened that night, but I don't believe a true friend would put me through that experience. I have been drunk of my own choices before but to be put there through another's was totally different.

I had been involved with a community group; over my time there I had several positions including President of one of the areas I was in plus others. Was one area where I felt I could develop some level of leadership skills and help the community in some way. The club though had its social side and we had lots of parties. One such time we had while I was still in flat with the ex but "split with him". I went to the party at the local outdoor pools, I met a guy there, we chatted and he was drinking heavily etc then at one stage I was leaning next to him on a roll of something I think it was the pool cover and he got in front of me then started putting his hand up my skirt, I think he was also kissing me but mainly remember the hand up my skirt because I was getting freaked. We got lift home together and he left towel in car of cant remember whether it was my friend's car or mine. Anyway we had exchanged numbers and later started dating, this was to be the beginning of one of the biggest mistakes I have made in my life and create some of the worst nightmares.

So thus begun the next phase of my life for 6 years while I was involved with my first husband. Once we started dating he was straight on to wanting sex, literally from day one, I was afraid after being abused previously and also had the must wait for marriage so instilled in me, he ridiculed me, called me frigid and all sorts of things and eventually I gave in, by this time I was falling in love or falling in love with the idea of being in love (probably more of the latter!). So after three months we went away down the line and stayed at one of his family's friends place (who was an Anglican Priest!! who knew what was being set up), I didn't know what was planned except we were having a few days away, but apparently this guest room was the home for the "first time" bed for others too.

I don't really remember much about that night expect I was sore after, but we continued to be intimate then eventually lived together for a time. And now of course I had to marry him because we had slept together although EVERYONE was warning me not to, but I was too blind to see, he wanted me that was the first time anyone "wanted" me or so I thought, though looking back I am sure it was a physical attraction on his part.

I remember in his room him having porno stuff all over his wardrobe doors, I told him to remove it "them or me". More warning signs I missed or ignored, I should have ran then. We got engaged then we married a couple of years later. He always was not to good on handling drink but it got worse, he regularly went out drinking with a friend of his and often didn't come home, I would get abused verbally by his friend for me expecting him to do so, we were newly weds, isn't it acceptable to ask my husband be at home with me, I was called a domineering woman, WHO was domineering, HE WAS, forcing me to have sex when I didn't want to, pushing on me harder when I asked him to stop, till I was so sore could hardly work afterwards, kicking me for resisting, calling me names, laughing at me thinking I was playing a game (the bizarre idea in his brain that this was my way of enjoying it!!)Well I didn't enjoy it, I felt more and more violated, I begun to hide away inside the shell exterior that everyone else saw, the facade I put on of appearing to be totally in control, NOT, control, I had none.

He was timid on the outside but I saw the other side of him no one else saw.

The one who would try to strangle me or hit me when he got drunk, the one who would take what he wanted when he wanted, when we moved house, porn mags were found under couches etc, he had been secretly reading them. Still I did not confront him, by now I lived in fear. We moved, things deteriorated further, continuingly forcing himself on me, until one day he tried to rape me again, my hair was long, he held his arm around the back of the chair and my hair with it, with the other hand he begun to undress me, kissing me forcefully, I fought him all the way and got those words I hated "it's ok we are married"!!!, "just relax" Then I managed to get off there and onto couch, bad move, he got on top of me and continued to remove my clothes, the next thing was we both fell on floor I managed to break free and I ran towards the bedrooms with him after me trying to get me to our room, I managed to get into spare room and shut door....crisis over for now.

A week later I went on a self development course and that helped cement the decision I made sitting on that chair was that I would leave him, I waited a month till my exam was over then I told him it was over, he said "but we been happily married". Depends what people version of happy is, happy ignorance from his part.

After he moved out, I was incredibly lonely and there was a party at work so I dressed up!!! From another's perspective I could have been classed as "asking for it" but all I wanted was to meet someone nice and have some fun, I certainly didn't expect the outcome of that night. Went out to party and got drunk, one of the guys from work took a liking to me, and even though I didn't like him I was past caring, I was hurting from the break up, violated from all the abuse and wanted what I thought was love, so this guy started getting close etc and eventually we went home to my place and had sex, I remember waking the next morning thinking what have I done!!!!!!

Well after that I joined a church and things calmed in this area, was involved with a guy but his messages were confusing especially from where I just came from one minute it seemed the relationship had future then we were just friends, though at least underneath it all I know he genuinely cared and helped me a lot through some rough times, even financially when I had little or no money waiting for divorce settlement, just when I was at the end of the food, he would give me enough to survive. So this was my first time where I had a man care enough to nurture and assist where I really needed it, i believe it was partly my perception there was more to it, though some of his actions also lead me to believe that, but in the end it was through his influence and friendship that led me to join the church so for that I will always be thankful and he was a good friend to me through a real rough time as I was going through the divorce.

After I moved town things were ok, ran away from my past!!!, was enjoying being single for a bit, time to recharge, then I begun getting lonely and a workmate became really "friendly", he told me he was 39, I was 30 at the time, he looked older but I never questioned it, till his next birthday when he told me he was turning 50!!! It turns out even that was a lie, (the 50th would only make him 59 now and I found out recently he is on pension and that starts at 65!! So meant he was 56 and me 30!!! Anyway we dated for a few months before his birthday and he kept trying to get me to marry him and go to his Church and then on the odd time I stayed at his place he would come into the room I slept in and touch my breasts and want more, I resisted. It was like here we go again, after I his birthday and the horror set in at the age difference I split up with him, the loneliness was severe, I went to single adult events and no-one wanted me because I was "used" i.e.: been married so not a virgin for the church boys. Added to my view of self, i.e.: lower than ever, so because I had made mistakes, been abused I couldn't find `a nice guy to look after me to have a hope of a future with. Then I went on another Single event and got really ill, so had time to think. I decided to move again and then a short time later met someone new, he was really nice and caring we had whirlwind romance and were married 4 months later. We now have two lovely kids and though it hasn't been an easy road with him, he has issues from earlier relationship too, I believe we can work through it and survive our past together.

Read Kate's Poetry Here

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