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Leaving and Safety
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Women who break up with partners they didn't live with also face threats, stalking, rape, and other acts of abuse or intimidation. This may be particularly true for teenage girls who have to go to school with their abusers. Some perpetrators who don't live with the partners they abuse actually step up control and intimidation tactics.
Teen dating violence is prevalent and increasing. If you are a teenager, please know that if you can't talk to anybody around you about your fear, the hotlines can help you. The following writing is intended for non-cohabiting partners as well as women who have lived with violent men.  This is entirely understandable - it is an act of defiance against somebody who has harmed you; it is painful and is a leap into the unknown. It is also true that for some women, leaving escalates a partner's violence., which you no doubt already know. Please, do call a hotline and discuss options for leaving safely. Are there any other supports you have? Perhaps you might list what they are, and how each of them can help you; i.e. is there a friend whom you know will lend you money? A family member who can put you and any children up? Do you need a police escort to help you leave? In preparation for leaving, it will be essential to make a safety plan that has the best chance of working for you. You may want to discuss this with a domestic violence worker. Please see this page: Safety Plans.
If you're leaving, it may be that you've tried many times before to go, and you know precisely the sort of sabotages that your partner has up his sleeve. This time, you may want to include as part of your safety plan how you will respond to these sabotages. Let's look at some of the emotional traps men who don't want to let go use (Easteal, P. And McOrmond-Plummer, L, Real Rape Real Pain: Help for Women Sexually Assaulted by Male Partners, Hybrid Publishers, Melbourne, 2006):
If he threatens suing you for custody of the children, this can be extremely frightening. I nearly went back because of it. Sometimes it's an idle threat - but a vile one that the abuser knows will frighten a mother. If you think it isn't, it's a good idea to seek legal advice. For women's legal advice bodies (some of which are free or nominal in cost) go here. If you must see him regarding children, make certain it is to see the children. Too many women have found that men use the pretext of visiting children to harass or abuse the mothers further. If this is what's happening to you, it is still unsafe. Is it possible for him to see the children on neutral territory?
Sometimes, there may be grounds for him having no access to the children if he is dangerous. You'll need to seek legal advice about this. Please don't feel as if your seeking safety has deprived your children of growing up without a father. People, including him, may try to lay that one at your door. But the end of the relationship is a consequence of his behaviour. Please see here for some legal resources. If you are being stalked, surveilled, threatened or intimidated in any way, please think about a restraining order. If you feel you are still in danger, please contact the police.
Some women don't seek restraining orders because they're afraid such action may provoke the abuser, or will be useless. Of course they don't offer ironclad guarantees, but they are shown to be helpful in a high proportion of cases. Do read this and see what you think: Orders for Protection; New News: Only 20% of women who report partner violence get protection orders, known as restraining orders that prohibit their abusers from certain types of contact. While the effectiveness of these orders has been a subject of debate, a new large-scale study suggests that they can and do work. A retrospective study of 2691 victims of partner abuse found that those who received a permanent court-ordered protection order (usually lasting 12 months) had an 80% less risk of further abuse compared with women not receiving a protection order. Women who received temporary protection orders (usually in effect for 2 weeks) were no more likely to experience physical abuse than women without any protection order although their risk of psychological abuse (harassment, stalking and threats) was far greater. The study was authored by Dr. Mary A. Kernic of the University of Washington and the Harborview Injury Prevention and Research Center in Seattle and published in the Journal of the American Medical Association in August 2002. Newsletter of Silent Witness National Initiative Nov. 2002) You may also want to lay charges, and you are entitled to this. Speak to a domestic violence advocate/counsellor about this - go here for contacts. For some women, going underground is an option because they will never be safe otherwise. Remember that plenty of women, self included, get out, survive and go on to have happy and productive lives. Here is a link about restraining orders.
Stalking is a serious problem, and entails a deliberate pattern of threatening or annoying behaviour in the form of following you, threats, phone calls, letters, emails, sending "gifts" ("nice" gifts like flowers, or macabre items like dismembered animal parts), driving by your home, approaching you or your property, or surveillance - watching you, or tapping your phone. Although we most often hear about stalking in terms of celebrities who are victims, the most common context for stalking is after the end of a relationship, especially where there has been violence. American statistics estimate that 90% of women murdered by violent ex-partners were stalked prior to the killings (Stalked: Breaking the Silence on the Crime of Stalking in America, Schaum, M, and Parrish, K. Pocket Books, New York (1995
).
Teen girls often face stalking by ex-boyfriends as well, which can be problematic if both attend the same school. Violent ex-partners often believe they have a right to reclaim, pursue or punish their ex-partner. Remember that stalking is a crime. The feelings of fear and unsafety created by stalking may also make it hard for you to move into healing. If you are taking police action (it is strongly recommended you do), evidence is important. Always record dates and times of incidents. Preserve emails and letters, or gifts. Keep telephone messages. If possible, ask your workmates or neighbours to tell you if they see somebody fitting the stalker's description near your home, school or place of work. Ask any witnesses if they are prepared to testify. For helpful stalking resources, go here Sexual assault if you threaten to leave or after you have left may be a punishment or a form of sabotage. It is usually all about exerting control. Your partner may believe that if he can "have" you in that way, you'll come back - he may also be attempting to make you pregnant to force you to remain/go back. Some women are not raped until they leave, but if he's used rape as a form of control or punishment in the past, chances are he'll see it as fair game. Contrary to the view of rape of an ex-partner as an act of passion by a desperate man, it of often premeditated, and is a vicious way of trying to force you to change your mind or inflict punishment on you for exercising the right to make choices about your future.
Be very careful of being alone with him. Some perpetrators plead that they "just want to talk to you - perhaps to "say goodbye nicely" and rape may be heralded by late-night visits. Other perpetrators kidnap their partners of the street for the purpose of rape or surprise them when they're alone) Finkelhor, D and Yllo, K, License to Rape: Sexual Abuse of Wives, The Free Press, New York, 1985; Bergen, R. Wife Rape: Understanding the Response of Survivors and Service Providers, Sage Publications, California, 1996; Easteal, P. And McOrmond-Plummer, L, Real Rape Real Pain: Help for Women Sexually Assaulted by Male Partners, Hybrid Publishers, Melbourne, 2006):
If you are raped in an attempt to leave, or after you have left (and I hope you will not be), you might want to speak to a rape crisis worker about your feelings and options re reporting. Remember that delayed reporting can lead to the disappearance of vital evidence. You may want to try counselling, or your partner may entreat you to go to counselling to save your relationship. Please be aware that if your partner is taking no (real) responsibility for the violence, couples counselling is not a safe option for you. Some couples counsellors see violence as a mutual problem rather than something he does to control you - they may assume a level playing field. Also, they may collude with an abuser who is able to manipulate them. Any counselling should be undertaken at least initially alone, and predicated on empowering you; acknowledging that the perpetrator is responsible for the abuse.
GETTING SUPPORT I know I've said "get support" over and over again on this page. Here are just couple of ways in which you may do that: Domestic violence advocates are compassionate and trained in assisting women with many parts of the leaving process, both before and after. Counselling is usually free and is confidential. See this page. The messageboard I co-moderate for survivors of rape and sexual assault has a forum for abusive relationships. You are most welcome to register and post for support. Alternatively, here is a board especially for survivors of domestic violence. It is a very supportive place, and there are women there who have faced every dilemma that you will face. They will support you. 
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