Aohrodite Wounded - Support for Women sexually assaulted by male partners and educational resources for professionals
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My womb is not a football for you
~ Sinead O'Connor ~
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Survivor's Story: I didn't realize I was being hurt till I was almost killed. For 13 months, my (now) ex abused me, emotionally, physically, and sexually. I'd have bruises. He would hit me whenever he got mad. One time he almost beat me with a belt, but someone walked in. After the person left, he raped me. He would rape me when I was sick. He raped me 4 days after foot surgery. He tried to rape me and left bruises on me at least 3 times. He would tell me what he wanted to do to other women. He would tell me that he wanted to have sex while I was sleeping and I told him I didn't want him to, but I knew he did.

My mind forgot some of the horrible stuff that he did, but it's coming back to me in my nightmares and flashbacks. I have depression (my parents and therapist know, I'd be way too afraid to actually hurt myself) I could write a book on what happened in 13 months. I would ask him to get help but he refused saying that he would (if) when it got worse.

I broke up with him though, because one night he got so angry that he randomly got on top of me and tried to rape me. He held my hands back and was hitting my arms. He kept trying to rape me, but I wouldn't let him. Eventually when he had my hands in a lock behind me, I kicked him. He went for my throat then. I must have been having a flashback because I burst out crying right before I passed out (I didn't but was very close to it). The thing I remember him telling me before he choked me was "You're home alone. No one is here to save you". That moment I saw his face had changed. He had this severely cold look on his face. I still see that face and hear that when I fall asleep.

The thing is, he was a pleaser. He would put on an act saying that he was mentally sane and all. My parents had no clue. The only reason I was able to break up with him was because he was out for the night (finally away from me) and the next morning I called it off.

I have a restraining order and am probably going to press criminal charges (I don't want to send him to jail - I just either want to send him to a mental hospital or something along that lines because I know he will be considered mentally ill, and I want it to be on his records so other people know he's dangerous)

The thing is, I still yell at myself for caring. I know I loved him or what I thought the caring person he was, but now I blame myself for being so blind and so scared that I couldn't stick up for myself.

I'm still healing - it's been two months. Some days it's too hard to bear, but I remind myself of my puppies and my friends and family. I do not cry. I shake instead. There have only been like two times when I've cried. I think I'm just so in shock and having PTSD that it's hard, but I know my pets, friends and family will always be there for me. I could not live without them. And I will be forever thankful that my life was spared that night that he tried to kill me.

I want to help others who share the pain that I have. I am now standing to stop it. I never thought I would have to stand, but I guess things happen for a reason. I know I can heal because I've learned time doesn't take away the scars, but it does heal.
Submitted February 2 , 2014 7 : 01 am

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