Aohrodite Wounded - Support for Women sexually assaulted by male partners and educational resources for professionals
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SURVIVORS SHARE ACCOUNTS OF PARTNER RAPE IN LATE TEEN AND EARLY ADULT RELATIONSHIPS

Survivor's Name:

Ciara

Survivor's Story: so i was with my previous partner for almost four years. i loved him and it wasnt until i was out of the relationship that i realised how unhealthy it was. i was always trying to cheer him up, make him happy, and i did everything and anything for him. i had kissed another guy early on in the relationship. maybe i was trying to make up for it, i was 17 at the time. he was strange, my ex, he never wanted to go out or socialise, was always sick, didint want to work or do anything and his life literally revolved around his favourite sports team and the death of his mother who passed away when he was 2. i guess i didnt understand how his life revolved around it or how it could impact him so much after so long but i tried to and i was always supportive. he never wanted sex, which made me feel incredibly low. after a few months of these non physical periods and having me feel unwanted he would splash out on some extravagant gift or trip for us and tell me how much he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. on one occassion he gave me an eternity ring and proposed. after a while i accepted and we were engaged although he told no one of it. in general he wasnt a bad guy, he just had a lot of issues, and i should have realised i couldnt help him. he didnt want to be helped. one day we were about to have sex. we took our clothes off and were kissing. suddenly we heard his dads car pull up in the driveway. we paused and i told him that i didnt want to do it now that his dad was home. but he entered me and continued for a while. i pushed agianst his chest and told him to stop but he didnt. then i just went numb. closed my eyes and refused to kiss him when he tried as he continued to have sex with me. eventually he stopped. i was shaking and i started crying. he told me he felt like he raed me, and i told him it felt that way to me too. he seemed upset with himself aswell. i got my clothes and left. over the next few days he kept texting my phone. begged me to forgive him and convinced me he just got carried away. he begged me to tell him it was not rape because he wouldnt be able to live with himself. he was my life. so i told him it wasnt rape and that he was right he just got carried away. he said he assumed i wanted it even when i said no because i would often say im not in the mood and then give in and engage him whether it was even just kissing. he was right. but this was different. usually if i said no he would listen. he might remain insistent by asking me but he would never have acted on it until i consented. i spent so much time trying to build him up that i grew smaller and weaker and seemed to care little for myself. i convinced myself it was all ok even though deep down i wasnt. after some time he split with me, told me he didnt want to be with anyone he needed to focus on himself. it shattered me. i went over that incident aswell as every other aspect of our relationship. i was upset and angry and hurt. i drank thinking it helped but it made things worse. i used to be so conservative and suddenly i was sleeping with random guys and even had a fuck buddy, sex was just sex then but somehow it made me feel good to be wanted again. after a while my ex got in touch and asked for another chance it took some time but eventually i caved and we continued to see each other for another 6 months. it clearly wasnt working. too much had happened. we ended it and he left for australia. after some time i learned that he knew planned his move to australia vefore we ever got back together for those months. he used me. when he came back he tried to talk to me but i refused. i had been through too much to heal to revert to my old ways. as much as i want to. i drank, cried, contemplated killing myself. i was a disaster. i cant even describe what i went through. i broke down one day in the car with my mam and told her everything. she told me not to tell anyone, wipe my eyes and just drove back home like nothing happened. all along i was terrified of her reaction. i didnt get one. and that was so much worse. i went straight to bed and cried myself to sleep. its as if i needed someone to confirm what happened to me because i couldnt make sense of it. after some time i told a friend. she listened and she helped me to get over what happened. its a few years since and im in a new and loving relationship but my ex will sometimes creep into my dreams or pop into my head. i cant say for sure if i have overcome what has happened. i just wish i had more support when i was dealing with it all. and part of me worries he will do it again. he raped me. i can finally admit it. thats got to be a step in the right direction
Submitted April 22 , 2014 9 : 14 pm

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