||I was in an abusive relationship for six years. Sorry for the length of this story. But, I have felt the need to get part of my story out there because of my silence for so long.
I recently finished some counseling after having acknowledged my abusive relationship some two years after the relationship officially ended. Since, I have been in a very healthy relationship with a good guy. That relationship did not work out, and I realized part of the reason is the fact that I have not fully realized the abuse I was a part of previously.
As a senior in high school, a friend of mine from classes and theatre became very interested in me. Me, not being the type to care about relationships, and simply not having enough confidence, let him fully pursue me. Which he did.
Courting was simple enough. I had feelings for him, and enjoyed our late nights together. What I did not enjoy, but did not understand, was when he started forcing me to go down on him and vice versa. I was shy, nervous, etc., as this was my first physical relationship. So, I assumed these actions were normal and necessary.
They got progressively worse, and I felt humiliated most the time. But, on the outside, we were such a cute couple! As told by him. He was great guy, I was so cute in my short skirts and punk style, etc. He would constantly tell me how great a guy he was, and he would never do anything to hurt me because he was not like the other guys out there.
We did not have sex till a year in the relationship. But we sure as hell did everything in between. I got on birth control, and still wanted him to wear condoms, which he never did. It's just better that way, as I was told.
We went to separate universities. And had difficulties in the relationship because he was disinterested in keeping contact with me. I should have ended it there. But, I thought no one would love me and be attracted to me. My self-esteem became progressively worse over the years. I attributed this degradation to school stress, but now understand he was in full control of my self esteem.
One may think he put me down physically. But it was quite the opposite. I was the most beautiful girl ever. Wait. Hottest girl ever. Actually, sexiest. Let alone the fact I graduated top of my class in high school and college. That I double majored, got a job promotion before even starting my job, etc. I was a sex object, that was the extent of my worth. And being a sex object, I was put on this earth to serve as his sexual play thing.
In public, he would grab my butt, boobs, fondle my body, etc. I am not one for public displays of affection, and constantly asked him to stop. To no avail, and much to my continual embarrassment.
And, anytime I tried to call him out on these behaviors. I was made out as the bad guy. I was mean, controlling, didn't love him enough because I didn't have sex with him enough.
As time went on, I stopped having any sexual desire at all. And would pray to the shooting stars to love him more and be more attracted to him. We would lie in bed and he would rub himself on me and make me touch him till I gave in. Many nights I could not sleep till I had sex with him. When we did have sex, I was forced to try new positions, give him a blow job (which I hated), have him go down I me, hold my hands down, and call me a whore. I would say no to one thing, and he would proceed to do it. I would silently cry, again, hating myself for not liking it more. I was forced to watch porn, and play sex games. If I did not do these things, he would say I didn't love him enough. And there are no other guys out there as good as him, so I better get it straight.
He finally cheated on me. I knew for a while he was sending sex messages to his ex girlfriend, and always suspected him of cheating. But, he finally did the actually act. I also discovered he was having cyber sex for years. He claimed to be a sex addict, and my world fell a part. I was starting a new job in the same city as him. We were planning to get an apartment together. I secretly still saw him for a year after the initial break up. I never told my parents (who I ended up living with), and that's horrifying to me because they are my best friends and I never lie to them. He claimed to go to therapy and support groups etc.
I eventually ended it altogether, as a year with him not as my boyfriend increased my self esteem ten fold. I started seeing someone else shortly after, and completely neglected any reflection on potential abuse I may have experienced.
It is now, three years later, I understand the extend of the abuse and its effect on my self esteem and worldview. I am a completely different woman. However, he still tries to contact me in various ways, all civil, of course. I've ignored him for three years, and he still tries. I admit I am horrified of him and what he may do some day.
But, for now, I have pursued my career fully and am experiencing being single for the first time since high school. I will not be controlled by what he did to me.