Aohrodite Wounded - Support for Women sexually assaulted by male partners and educational resources for professionals
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Survivor's Name:


Survivor's Story: I was at college and I was very lonely there. There was another guy in the year above me who wasn't too popular either and in the third term of my first year we became quite good friends. At the time I didn't question why he was so disliked though this was to become apparent.

We went away as a college for three weeks during which we shared a house. Before that this guy and me had kissed a couple of times but he had a girlfriend and I didn't want to ruin our friendship - it was the only one I had so I made sure that it never went any further. On top of that I was a virgin (which he knew) and planned to stay that way until I was married.

On the trip he started to tell me all these things that other people in the group were saying about me - awful things - some of which may have been true - some of which were not but by the end of the first week I was completely isolated- I talked to no one but him. He also joked with me about what people were saying about us as we were spending all our time together. He said that everyone was saying that he was trying to sleep with me and then he made a joke - 'so if you hear footsteps creeping outside your room at night be careful', a joke.

We all went out the first Saturday to a club - I drank which I didn't normally do then so I was a bit of a lightweight. When we got back to the house I started to get ready to go to bed - I went to clean my teeth and when I left the bathroom he was there - I said night and went past him towards the girl's bedroom - he called me back - and I went.

This is when it gets hard... he kissed me - fine - ok - he pulled me into his room. He was the only person in the college who had his own bedroom - everyone else was sharing. There had been huge arguments in the college about who would get the single room - he won it. It was ok till he lowered me onto the bed...I think that is when I started to feel uncomfortable, however I was more worried that I would be embarrassed about getting out of the room - I never thought anything would happen - not with his girlfriend and our friendship and what he knew about me. He asked me if it was what I wanted - I didn't say anything - I really did not know what to say. I just kept thinking - this is going to be embarrassing in the morning. He asked me again is this what you want - said if you keep going I'll make love to you - I never told anyone that part before because I didn't say anything. My clothes were still on - I was wearing a dress though. Also I didn't really understand what he was on about - keep going with what?
It was just kissing. I sort of disengaged from him if that makes sense -I pulled away from him and I said 'bloody hell' - I thought he would stop and talk to me then although still at this stage I did not think he would do anything. After he said that he.... this might be triggering by the way.....he penetrated me. He just did it and at first I didn't even know what was happening and then I realised. I didn't do anything - I was in total shock - completely frozen.

I remember him asking questions like is this your first time - am I hurting you but I didn't answer him, I couldn't speak. I don't know -the idea that I had a right to stop him didn't occur to me- I just froze, I couldn't speak even to answer his questions I just felt so humiliated, afraid and shocked. He didn't finish though - he picked me up of the bed and proceeded to put my pants back on - I remember falling back against the door - a mixture of alcohol and shock I guess - and him swearing to himself - 'Oh for fuck sake'. I only said one thing, which was 'are you chucking me out?' to which he sort of laughed and said "you're not staying here".

When I got out of the room I locked myself in the toilet sat on the floor and cried. I don't know how long I was there for. I went to bed and cried there too - no one asked me what was wrong. I couldn't sleep much and I wanted to be up before everyone. So I got up early, showered and waited for the rest of the house to get up...

I went back to him - I can't justify it - I felt that if it somehow worked out then what had happened that first night wouldn't matter so much - it would be covered. It was never a relationship - just every now and again an involvement - although I had to see him everyday, which was absolute hell.

We only ever talked about that first night once- he said to me 'Why do I feel like I raped you?' (Funny that he was the first person to use the word) - then he said that he had asked me if this was what I wanted and I had said 'yes Mike' (not his real name). It was about the only time I ever argued with him. I said that I had said nothing - it went back and forth for a bit with - 'you said yes' - 'I said nothing' then he said 'Well you said nothing - that's just as bad.' - I couldn't think of anything to say to that even though he had just clearly lied to me and then changed his story when I wouldn't back down. After that he just said that that night never happened - that I was making it up to make myself feel better (better?!).

He started to tell people that I had walked into his room naked - what was he supposed to do (other than sleep with me) - he even started to tell me that was what happened. It was a total lie that didn't even make any sense - as if I would wonder naked through a household full of people. Still he succeeded in making me doubt my own memory - I had no idea what was going on except that I was a mess. I was crying all the time, not sleeping and was getting very depressed.

The involvement I had with this guy was pretty unpleasant all round. The sex was not nice - it was often rough - he hurt me and would ignore me if I said that he was - I stopped saying in the end - it was too humiliating to be ignored. He ignored me when I mentioned wearing a condom - I had two pregnancy scares and infections - two STD's - he didn't even bother to say no he just started having sex with me. He always made me perform oral sex - he would push my head down and if I came back up he would just do it again until I did it - that was really hard as I couldn't really disconnect with it - all the time I was totally passive - I might as well have been a doll - but in that I had to be active - I remember sometimes cried but mostly I was just numb.

One last thing that sticks in my head was one time in January - we were outside his flat - he said are you coming up - I said no - then he asked again - I told him 'I am not sleeping with you' he said that's ok we can just cuddle - I don't know why I fell for that! Once upstairs after watching a little TV he just started to pull my clothes off - I don't remember everything I said - I was just trying to talk him out of it. I said I couldn't do it and the last thing I said was 'I'll lose everything' he said 'you'll lose nothing' and had sex with me anyway. Afterwards he laughed saying 'I like your last word "noooo!" After that incident I got really sick - I was in my bed for three weeks and I could not do anything physical for months. It was at the end of that term that I decided to leave. I only went back to him one more time after that and that was after I had left. I discovered I had an STD and I had to go tell him - I had to give him a reference number from the hospital. I saw him shortly after that and I found out he had told everyone that I had put a note through his door. This made me really angry as it took a lot for me to tell him in person. I challenged him and we got into a big fight - he started the 'why do I feel like I raped you' line again and I said to him what happened that first night? - he just said you walked into my room naked.

I think he could not get me to back down on the note business so he did it in the only way he knew how - sexually. We were at someone's house and he actually tried to sleep with me there. It was strange at one point I ripped his necklace off him by mistake - we were messing around - he was pretty pissed off about that though so he held me down on the floor and started to spit in my face. It was pretty typical of the way he liked to humiliate people. Anyway I saw him a couple of times that week and that was the last of it - I moved to a different city to get away from it all.

When I told my friend who was also the college a couple of years later about it she told me that in the first year before I got there he had said in the common room that he could have been charged with date-rape hundreds of times if he hadn't convinced them all to sleep with him again. I suspect that he may have raped one of the girls in his year but I will never know. Sadly he told her he was going to 'have to sleep with' me before it started and she chose not to tell me. I guess she was too afraid of him still.

That was nearly 6 years ago. It was followed by nightmares, insomnia, panic attacks, anxiety, depression, sexual problems, eating problems, self injury and so on. I took anti depressants for three years and have been in therapy for 4. There isn't a single day that goes by that it still doesn't affect me in some way but bit by bit I am taking back my life.
Submitted November 21 , 2010 3 : 45 am

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