||I went to university and met a boy X. we met and exchanged numbers but neither of us got in contact for another three months. the reason I did get in contact with him was to find a flat mate as I desperately needed someone to live with
as I had not made many friends as I was feeling particularly depressed being away from home for the first time as I am quite a mammy's girl.
When I met up with X to meet the house mate he was introducing me to we arranged that we would go on a night out and so we did we both got particularly drunk and made out all night in the club and we ended up going back to my place. from that time on I felt completely besotted with him. I knew he was nothing special but he had a certain charm about him, the bad boy thing going on and cocky attitude and so even though he had a girlfriend we saw each other he would consistently ask me out and I would reject as if he would treat his current girlfriend like that he would treat me no better! eventually that side all blew over I came home for the summer and I still had nowhere to live. X knew this and informed me that a place in his house had come up and so I went down to see it we both said over the phone that nothing physical would happen as it would only complicate things, but the night came and we did.
This happened throughout the summer.
When it came to me moving in his behaviour towards me started to become really nasty. I don't have any confidence in big social groups especially when everyone in the group knows one another and I only knew X who was being quite cold to me during the day anyway. I was very shy throughout the night until the majority of the group left and there was just me X and his friend by this point I felt more at ease and had more of a laugh with them and it was a real ego boost I genuinely felt happy because I'd made friends with one of his friends and I thought that finally things were going on track I was going to get a nice group of friends.
The next day I've never cried so much in my life collectively I think I cried for maybe 16 hours only stopping to sleep I even cried at my university library. not because of any physical act but because he shattered the very little confidence that I have with people. he told me that I made everyone in the group that was out feel really uncomfortable...it sounds stupid to say it or write it but I've never been so devastated whatever physically he did to me it doesn't compare to how he turned from the person who gave me an ego boost into the guy who was stripping away every last minuscule of confidence that I had.
He began to start objectifying my bum saying that it was really sexy, I already have a problem with guys touching my bum in public, you know when you get the drunks in clubs who give it a little tap, now I fear someone doing that as it will just remind me of him. This was the only 'nice' thing he would say about me. He would degrade me in front of the other boys that we lived with once pulling my pants down after I'd been on a night out and was drunk, other times threatening to pull my top down in front of them when I and the others in the flat were completely sober.
Incidents of sexual contact occurred at night around 3am and 5am when he decided that he would be making his may to bed and instead of going to his own he would come into mine and even though I would clearly say that I did not want to have sex and asked him to just go to sleep he would continue to try and put his hands down my pants and up my top. I would remove his hands and try and stop them one time he didn't even resist my hand and just went into my pants and to literally be able to have some sleep before I had to go to work or university the next day I would give in as I knew he would merely last 15-20 minutes and it was best to do that than kick up a fuss wasn't it?
Part of me knows that what he did was wrong but the other side of me in some way still regards him as a friend who really looked out for me by offering me somewhere to stay the other tells me that he got me in the house because he knew that he would be able to have sex with me when he wanted.
The biggest decider in my mind that what he was doing was wrong was when I blocked my door with my bed so that he couldn't get into my room...I was wrong he rammed the door repeatedly and so hard that my bed moved away from the door and to save me getting fined I had to move my bed so that he could get in. The guy downstairs commented and jeered at X...even though I had confided in this boy that I never wanted to have sex with X he didn't come and save me...I don't understand why. Luckily this night X was too drunk to go through with sexual intercourse but he didn't fall asleep without making me hug him and him groping my bum and him saying "you're so fuckable, you know I'm really attracted to you."
Various nights after incidents I would give the hint that I didn't want to have sex by leaving my bedroom and sleeping in his room so that I didn't have to smell his smoke and beer soaked body next to me which made it awful the next day to walk into my room and be able to smell his presence.
I feel as though I am lying if I say that he raped me and I can't actually say it out loud because my feelings as to what went on are so confused in my mind even though I said no and my actions clearly stated that that's not what I wanted I still did it without struggle and so I don't know whether I did communicate it properly and so I feel really stupid.
I have told my parents and my university what was happening and I've now moved out the flat. the boys who I lived with wouldn't speak to me...this all makes me feel that I am to blame...I have told the police but still I feel to blame and I don't want to prosecute as I don't feel that I have the strength to ever see him again and don't think the police will believe me as I'm so confused in my mind as to how I feel I don't know whether to laugh or cry I feel ashamed that I want to laugh but I think its just because I am so confused its the only way I can release any emotion.
I'm starting counselling with my university and had my first session today. I've written this as a way for me to get out some emotions and to try and help my mind get around what's happened to me I still don't really know
I hope it helps someone else in a similar situation.