||I would like to start out by saying that this website made me realize that what happened to me was in fact rape, and that my experiences were in fact abusive in many different ways. All of what I'm about to describe happened over a year ago, but up until this point, I've blocked it all out of my mind as my mistakes to deal with, and my shame kept me from speaking up. I thought I deserved what happened because I was so vulnerable and desperate. He was abusive both verbally and sexually, and I know now that it was not my fault.
I began dating Sam my second semester of college. He had been a close friend of mine for a few months beforehand and I really trusted him. When he told me he had liked me for a long time, I was so flattered and initially I did not see him in this way, but my feelings quickly changed. He was so wonderful to me, always kind and gentle, funny, and very smart. I was so happy to have him in my life, and although our friendship was healthy in the beginning, I never realized the controlling aspects of his personality or the manipulation until it was too late. I found myself only spending time with him, alone, without any of my friends. He began isolating me from the very beginning but I never realized what was happening. He would bad mouth my friends to me, and make me think badly of them for no reason; he would always point out everyone else's insecurities and imperfections in order to make himself feel better and more of a man. At the time I ate all of his manipulations blindly. I , for some reason never found myself questioning his ideas or logistics, it was as if he had control over my mind. I think back on it now and don't understand it.
He knew I was a virgin, and although I knew I wasn't ready for sex, I tried to keep an open mind when it came to experimenting a little. I knew sex was important to him and I wanted to make him happy, but I also told him that he needed to be patient. He agreed with me and pretended to be okay with me needing time.
I attend music school, so one day I was in a practice room and he came in and we started making out. He had me pinned up against the wall and for the first time, he tried to finger me through my pants and at first I hesitated because I was very unsure about it, but I didn't say anything because it felt kind of nice, I didn't object to it this time, he was being gentle. I was paranoid someone would come in since the doors don't lock, so he stopped. Later that night in my dorm he began to finger me again except this time he was being I bit more aggressive and I was in pain. He stopped after a while and got on top of me, rubbing himself on me until he orgasmed. I felt pretty used because he was the only one getting any pleasure. I told him I wanted to back up a little and move more slowly, he pretended to understand. Within a week later he was trying the same things again, I don't know why I didn't say anything. I soon realized that every time we even started kissing after that, he wanted sexual favors and he wanted an orgasm without actually having sex with me. He would barely get me aroused, and then just use my body to get himself off. He would kiss me so hard and aggressively that I would get rashes on my cheeks and all around my mouth. I noticed that when it came to the sexual aspect of our relationship, he would change and become much more rough and less caring, more selfish. I didn't really know how to deal with it because I loved him, and after we'd do things he would tell me how great it was for him, so I felt happy that he was enjoying me, but used and hurt because he never gave me any pleasure in return.
Sometimes when he would grope me it would be extremely painful because of how rough he was being, and although I would tell him, he would just apologize and continue a minute later until he came. I would always hope that he wouldn't take too long because after a while my inner thighs and crotch would get bruised and very sore. All of this went on because I wouldn't have sex with him and even though in the beginning he wouldn't pressure me too much to have intercourse, he would always try and finger me. After a while I began letting him, and that was a huge mistake because it was so painful every time, he was an animal. I always had it in my head that the next time would be better so I let him continue. If I showed any sign of pain or discomfort while he was fingering me, he would laugh at me. One time he slept over in my dorm and when we woke up, he immediately got on me and began kissing and groping me. I had terrible cramps because of my period so I asked him to stop, he shut me up by kissing me more, and continued until he was done. He thanked me after.
I was a virgin, and had nothing to compare this behavior to, so I had a hard time figuring out that it was very wrong, especially because I had Sam telling me how great it was. I thought that if I actually had sex with him, I would feel completed and would enjoy being with him. I was very wrong.
About a week before it happened I told Sam that I was considering having sex, that I didn't know when the right time was but that I might almost be ready. I wanted to make him happy and did not want to lose him. Besides the sexual stuff, our relationship was great and I couldn't bear the thought of losing him. I knew in my heart I wasn't ready, and I also knew that I wasn't in love, I truly cared for him, but he wasn't the right guy. So the day before, he asked me while we were eating lunch if I wanted to go back to his room and have sex. I was shocked and really nervous about him being so forward about it, as if it were a business transaction. I told him, "I don't know, I don't think I'm ready yet." He said, "Anna, we're running out of time, it HAS to happen before summer, maybe finals week, but that's cutting it close." I told him that I wanted him to be able to stay over at least, and he said "well, your little fantasy isn't going to happen." We were being intimate in my room later that day, and because of the conversation earlier I became scared that he had no protection with him. I asked him if he had bought condoms and he said, yelling at me, "Anna! you said you weren't ready! Now you're changing you're mind?! They're in my room!" He got up instantly, got dressed, ran to him room and came back with a condom. He told me that he wanted to do it for me, and that he wanted to make me happy. He said, "we've done everything else, this is not a big deal, it's going to hurt the first time, I'm sorry." I didn't want to, but I didn't want to deny him after seeing him get angry. He couldn't figure out how to put the condom on and began cursing and screaming, crying that he was letting me down, like a 5 year old, so pathetic. I felt bad at the time, I comforted him, in my mind I was relieved. This was the first time he freaked out and showed me a different side of him, and it scared me.
The next day was when it happened. We were in his room and we just started out kissing, he began to undress me and touch me really forcefully, and I remembered how angry and upset he was the day before, I didn't say anything. Without asking me if I wanted to, he got up, put a condom on, and ordered me to lay down. I was sure that this was it, and there was no turning back, I was just looking to get through it. I had given up. I don't know why I didn't say 'no' I think deep down I knew that it wouldn't have made a difference. I felt dirty and bad at this point, at the beginning of our relationship, I never intended on things getting so out of hand. He got on me and tried to penetrate me, but his penis wasn't hard enough. He became frustrated when he couldn't penetrate me, he raised his voice and yelled "Help me out! Help me!" So I tried but he couldn't get hard enough. Cursing and crying again he got off me and went and sat at his desk, he wouldn't talk to me. Then he said "you and I, we're gonna fucking do this." I told him that when it was the right time it would work out. He apologized for losing his temper. In my mind I was relieved, but I knew that if I was going to stay with him, it was going to happen. I hadn't seen any of my friends in so long and was always really sad if he wasn't around, even still, I didn't realize how vulnerable I was and how out of control the situation was for me at the time, he was manipulating my whole life.
Later that day, he asked me to stop back at his room with him to pick up something. As soon as we got there he called his roommate and told him not to come back. After the two incidents leading up to this moment, I was terrified to see how he would respond to me denying him. I couldn't imagine how angry he would be, after seeing how bad it was with me keeping my mouth shut and submitting. I was scared to provoke him so again, I said nothing. He got the condom ready, he fingered me some, I wasn't wet though. He got on me and without barely any foreplay, he penetrated me. I squirmed and cried out, I couldn't believe the pain. I told him to wait, because the pain was so bad. He got up and closed all the windows so no one could hear me. He came back and went in again but I couldn't stay still because it was worst pain I had ever felt! I kept moving back from him and his penis kept coming out and he got really mad. I said wait and he yelled "stay still, or it's not going to stay in!" I was shocked and scared, and was in so much pain, but no one could hear me crying out and he held me down with his weight. He began thrusting harder until he orgasmed, I didn't orgasm, how could I? He was being an animal. I didn't cry though, I didn't want to make him any angrier and afterward, he immediately held me close and told me how wonderful I was, and how much he loved me. This made me feel a little better, even though on the inside, I knew that that was not how it should have been.
We had sex about five times more after that. I consented to all times after the rape because I felt like it was too late to go back, I didn't want to anger him, and I still wanted to feel something, I wanted him to help me enjoy it. I never orgasmed with him, and sex was torture every time.
Before the verbal abuse started, he continued manipulating me sexually. One time we were in a practice room making out and he began groping me against the wall. I had to go to a rehearsal, my face was all red and blotchy from his facial hair and he was being really rough. I told him that I had to go and told him to stop. He ignored me and kept going, he wanted to orgasm and I was trying to stop him. I pushed him away, he grabbed me, held me against the wall and yelled "come on! wait another minute!" He held me there for more than a minute, I couldn't move. He finally orgasmed after making my face even more swollen and after violently groping me against the wall, against my will. He said "ok. now you can go" with a nasty laugh. I left crying, and I was 5 minutes late to my rehearsal. I confronted him later about it and he apologized.
I visited him over the summer, and as soon as we were alone in his basement, he immediately pursued sex. Groping me through our cloths, his mom was calling down saying dinner was almost ready, and he even got mad at me for not letting him undress me. He got a cut on his penis from being so incredibly rough, but he still told me to give him oral sex. He stopped me after a minute because he was in pain and then he demanded I lay down on my stomach. I asked him why and he said "just do it." So I did, and he began rubbing himself on my lower back. I soon realized I couldn't talk to him, or breathe; he was pushing my face into the couch so hard. I tried to push up and get him to stop but all I could do was make indecipherable noise, and of course he ignored me. I felt so pathetic and helpless. As he began to come, he dug his fingers and hands so aggressively into my sides and butt that I cried out, but he didn't care, and I couldn't say 'no' because my face was pushed into the couch. He came all over my back, it was so disgusting. I didn't say two words to him for the rest of the night, he wondered why.
The next night, I came over again because I felt bad for being cold towards him. In my mind, I was happy we hadn't have intercourse because it was always awful, so I told myself I had nothing to be upset about. I gave him manual sex and as he came I got off of him quick because I didn't want it to get all over me again. He said "you know, you could have just stayed on me and enjoyed it, what, you don't like it?" He was getting mad, and I said that I thought he wanted me to get off of him, I didn't know how to react to his question, of course I didn't like it, he never gave me any type of pleasure at all. He refused to talk to me, he drove me home. I begged him to tell me what was wrong. I yelled at him "what! I'm not as good as your ex or something!?" He said "yes, that's exactly it." From this point on as I sat there, he spewed the worst verbal abuse I could have imagined. I'll quote him.
"You're just not doing it for me. I can't deal with being with someone so inexperienced, I feel like I'm back in 9th grade. I've been lying to myself this whole time, I never loved you. You don't treat me like a lover, you only know how to be a friend to me. Your not a strong woman, you're weak and stupid just like all the others." I gave him a choice, he could either change and treat me better, or leave me. He said, "what do you want? me to beg on my hands and knees for you to take me back? to act like a pussy? I'm not going to do that! When I saw you get off the bus, I felt nothing, and I didn't want to be around you. Everything you do reminds me of my ex and I can't stand it. You're pathetic, you can't deal with the fact that someone doesn't want you, how can you live with yourself? Why don't you just grow some balls and deal with it!" (I'll spare you all the rest.)
He broke up with me, and after all the abuse he put me through, his reasoning was because I wasn't good in bed. Well gee, I wonder why...
This person that I cared about so deeply, hurt me in so many awful ways. I haven't had sex, or any sexual contact since Sam, and it's been a year and a month since our break up. I have a new boyfriend now, and he's absolutely wonderful. He's patient, kind, and is a virgin, so there's no pressure on me to do anything. He doesn't know about much of this though, he knows about the verbal abuse, but not the sexual. I'm going to try and tell him soon because I've been a mess the past few months. I've just realized that all of my experiences count as abuse and it's been hard to deal with. I have my first counseling session in a few days, I hope it helps me get past all of my pain. For the sake of my new relationship, I need to regain my trust in others. Thank you for this wonderful site, and for reading my story :)