||No one knows the whole truth. I'm ashamed to tell one person the whole story, even years later, what feels like yesterday and a lifetime
ago both at the same time. But here I find myself at this too familiar feeling of wanting to stay in bed, happy to disappear, but I almost always get up. That feeling of almost numbness but knowing in your heart and your mind, your spirit, your being, your you is just too hurt to manage all of the emotion, so it gives it to you in small doses, which still makes me feel completely out of control of my emotions. Someone recently said to me (boyfriend) that "someone can take your body, but they can not take your mind". What he thought "rape" was is exactly what it is not, at least in my opinion and experience. It is so horrific because taking your mind, your emotions, your trust in (forget about other people) just your own judgement, ... your mind is exactly what it takes. Everyday I feel I fight to keep my mind, mine, to have control of some thoughts and emotions related to the "rape". Side note this is the first time I've even written the word "rape", I've never spoken it. I've spoken of it, but that word "rape" it's too honestly brutal. It encompasses the rage and pain and makes it too, obvious or real or I'm not sure.
So the whole truth. Went to college a virgin. Not waiting for marriage, but waiting. First college boyfriend: I said no, I pleaded with him, I
> cried (silently). This was all in hushed voices we were on the top bunk in my dorm room with my roommate below. Can you call it rape if you don't scream? I know the answer to that, but I can't help but feel who doesn't, with someone right there. And like most college freshman roommates we don't know, she was crazy and would of definitely done something. I remember reciting the lord's prayer and singing some repetitive stupid song in my head until he was done. I look up at the ceiling the whole time and I could look down on us, him on top of me, me lying there, slow steady stream of tears running down my face, I didn't move. I stayed with him after that. We had sex a couple times after that, I can't even remember if that's why I finally broke it off, because I just couldn't have sex with him without feeling and remembering what he did, but I can not say for sure that how it ended or that it was that quickly after.
After. I had sex, a lot of sex, with a lot of different guys. I thought at the time I was asserting myself. I think I was looking for love and mistaking sex for love. I wanted to feel wanted. But looking back I know it was those things but the biggest thing was I wanted to be in control, even if that meant I was having sex with people I may not have truly wanted to I was going to say yes and accept the regret the next day, vs. say "no" and have the choice taken away from me. If it was a mistake then I wanted it to be my mistake not something someone made me do.
Fastforward. "loving" boyfriend. Slowly becoming more controlling and abusive. From the first time we had sex, it was never enough. 3,4,5 times a day at least 3 times in a row. "you don't want me to go to someone else for it do you?" Please someone tell me what the hell I was thinking. He never wanted to stay when he spent the night the next morning there would always be an excuse. I started using sex to get him to stay a little longer. Screwed up huh. In between all this sex were some of the most loving/close moments I've had with a person. A year or so in when I got my period he would always want to have anal sex. I always said no, he always tried to persuade (sorry I'm a bad speller) me, he accepted my no, although started to slowly do other things leading to that. One day I agreed to try it. He agreed to stop if I wanted to. I wanted to and he did.
The next time I let me and I hated every minute of it and I never said one word about hating it. The next time I asked him to stop and he wouldn't, he just pushed harder all the way in and held me to him I struggled a little but he went until he finished, I rolled off the couch on to the floor and started crying and told him if he ever did that again I was done. Didn't see it as rape at all. After that surprise surprise what do I let him do when I know I don't want it. Does anyone else see my pattern. Well a few more times of something I utterly hated and I just avoided him when I had my period and avoided the situation. He was a very mean ... well you get my point and we would rage and have these insane screaming matches about stuff and he would say the most heinous abusive things to me. And I stayed.
He came over one night for dinner with his friend who after almost 3 years I also considered my friend. We were celebrating, him and I were moving in together the next day. A day I thought would never come. Looking back I just shake my head at myself. They got really drunk. I was in the kitchen cleaning up and he called me into the front room. When I walked in there was a porn flick on (ours) but really I'm thinking what the ... why are they sitting in here together watching this. He "enthusiastically and emphatically" "asked" me to sit and watch with them. They were both drinking and if I knew one thing it was to not embarrass him in front of a friend, I.e. tell him "no". So I sat. After a while he told me he wanted me to have sex with him in front of his friend he started to try to convince me. I asked him what was wrong with him and told him he was crazy. After that he told me to do to his friend what I do to him. When I refused I saw his eyes, but it felt like it was some kind of crazy bizarre world I was in and I tried to escape the situation by going to the kitchen to do dishes. Well there was going to be none of that.
We went to the room to argue and he got very nasty, I use to use sex to calm him down. I let him start to undress me and then he got really rough, more than usual. I told him to stop, many many times very very loudly. He flipped me onto my stomach and I kept fighting him. Mind you the friend, our friend, also my friend is there watching and listening just there. I kept fighting him, I don't know what came over me. After he held my head in the pillow again this time long enough that I thought I would pass out I stopped fighting, I knew what he was capable of at that moment and I just stopped, I truly felt this man is going to kill me. He forced himself in me (anal) I think because he knew that was the worst he could do to me. After, he got up put his clothes on and just started to walk away from the bed. I flew at him and then, then when I beaten, raped, bruised girl 1/2 the size of my boyfriend, then his friend comes to stop me. ME. He stalked me after that until I changed my number, took all bills out of my name, security at my job had his picture and I moved. It helped, but it was months after the rape that I moved. I was an emotional mess. I was constantly terrified and looking over my shoulder, and constantly sick with new ailments. I took a job months later the fartherest possible place I could go on the other side of the world and began healing more than I knew I needed to still. I'm going through another couple rough months and working on dealing with it. I don't know if this will help, but I've never put the whole story down or out in one place or to one person.
We keep trying even when we don't know what to do. Even when our minds can not comprehend what happened or how we will bear it. My counselor told me it will never be as bad as "that day". "some things change you forever, but that's ok you just need to get to know you for who you are "now". Those two statements have stuck with me. Sometimes helping sometimes not. I think this did help to lift a small weight to get the story the whole story out. Thank you.