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Survivor's Name:


Survivor's Story: I was abused when I was six though it was not rape. When I was 12 an older boy at school tried to rape me in these woods but got scared by a passer by, I never spoke of these things until a few years ago.

I met my partner when I was 18 he was 27. I fell for him instantly. He was charming, charismatic and extrovert I was the opposite. We began a long distance relationship I went to uni. He began to control me from the start but I never saw it, I just thought he loved me so much etc.

I think the first time he raped was the first time we had sex. I said no, I wasn't ready but he began to get annoyed and so I submitted because I didn't want to upset him. He wanted sex up to five times a night and going home after the weekend I was often very sore but I was so naive I thought this is normal. I think the first time I was really upset by his behaviour was when we stayed at his mumís. He wanted sex and I said no she was next door! He put his hand over my mouth told me to shut up and proceeded to have sex I just froze I was so scared and shocked I didn't know what to do. I never spoke about it at all.

Then after four years I fell pregnant and we moved in together this is when the violence really started and the total control. He would often wake me up by inserting his penis in me and get annoyed that I was annoyed with this! Most sexual things were about him having power over me, oral sex was him chocking me and wanting to hear me choke on it, during sex I had to repeat after him that he owned me, I had to say 'fuck me' which was just so gross that I cant bear the thought of it.

Sex began to be very rough and involved him ordering me to do this do that , this position that position I never really fought back I was always nervous of making him upset. He began to want to do anal sex and I would beg him not to, all the excuses in the world but he would make me let him do it a bit, I would scream in pain and he would stop and do vaginal. I would say to him that it was giving me hemorrhoids; he would say sorry but still weeks later it would happen again. I began to have bleeding vaginally and it was as a result of how rough he would be. I hated it as he would take so long and I would pray that I could get aroused so that it wouldn't hurt so much.

Other times I would pray not to get stimulated as I hated him knowing that I had orgasmed. I would often cry after sex and during it I would be lifeless and just hope that he would get so annoyed with me not responding that he would leave me alone. Sometimes I would hold my legs together with my hand over my vagina and he would be forcing my legs apart and peeling back my hand it was a crazy battle between us but I always lost. The whole thing was just so confusing as he had a mental hold on me, emotional and physical, the other side of him was caring and gentle and sweet but this side came out less and less towards the end. We had two more children over this 9 year period and I finally made him leave. However he still came to see the children every weekend and so I had to appease him still by having sex with him this was worse as I was so ashamed he knew I was so weak that I would give in. I didn't want the children waking up to him shouting that I would let him do it.

It's crazy as I never saw what he did as domestic violence and I never saw what he did sexually as rape not until the end but I do now and I am slowly healing from it all. Finally my domestic violence support worker rang the police and he is now awaiting a charge of rape and I'm waiting to see whether it will go to court.
Submitted November 21 , 2010 3 : 22 am

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