||I have a hard time saying that I was raped. I even hesitate to type the word rape. Until I found this website, I felt and still have the feeling that I am wrong. That I was not raped...I had just persisted maybe my no would have been heard. But I still feel dirty and used and sad
mostly, not angry.
I have a teenage daughter with a very absent father. I lost my virginity to him when I was far to your to understand what sex was and even then I said I didn't want to do it. He said it was too late and it was almost over. Since then, I have had many feeling toward him. They range from disgust to intrigue to resentment all of the feelings are based in fear and none of those feelings were ever love. For years after I lost my virginity at 13, I wanted to prove to him that I wasn't a little girl, that I could handle him. I had some sort of sick fascination with being someone he wanted. When I was nineteen, I finally felt ready to be with him and this consensual night resulted in the conception of my daughter. I was an adult ( I thought) and decided to have my child. Although we weren't in a relationship, it was just one night, because of our "history' he felt like we should try being together. I wasn't smart enough to know this was a bad idea and agreed. A few days after I returned home from the hospital, with a newborn and a new csection scar. I said something he didn't like and he kicked me (he said accidentally) in my stomach. This was the first indication that my fear of him was warranted. He went to prison soon after this incident for other reasons, so I waited for him to complete is prison term before we gave it a chance. Right away I knew that I didn't want to be with him. I didn't love him I only feared him, so I looked for a way out. Lucky for me he really wasn't interested and disappeared.
Unfortunately for me and my daughter he remained a haunting presence but was never a emotional or financial support. I tried to avoid him but over the years he would periodically come around and make promisees to "take care" of us. These were just veiled attempts to get me into bed.
90% of the time I said I wasn't interested, but he persisted until I gave in.
He always made threats to me about taking it if I didn't give it to him. I said I didn't believe it, but I never wanted to find out. He also periodically threatened harm to my loved ones if I ever tried to "leave him". These cemented in my mind that he was crazy because he has been married twice and we rarely saw or encountered each other, but he insisted that if I was involved with anyone else I was cheating on him.
So, I pursued my education and tried diligently to avoid him altogether. I only had one or two serious relationship over the course of 12 years, because I was never sure how someone would handle the crazy ex.
Well one drunken afternoon (he usually in inebriated) he shows up at my apt saying he wanted to see his daughter. They had a strained relationship at best and even she was afraid/dislikes him. When I told him she wasn't home, he came in and asked for sex. I kept telling him no and I meant it this time. he followed me into my bathroom and took what he wanted. he ignored all my pleas to just go away.
He left right away and I felt better knowing that at least I wouldn't have to see him for awhile.
Two months later I find out I am pregnant and I am so distraught at the thought of bring another child into the world to be tortured by that
person. I decided not to tell him about the baby, but he soon found out when he came around looking for more sex and he saw that I was pregnant. Once he saw that I was having his baby, he came around weekly and made so many attempts to force himself on me again. I had to lie and say I would lose the baby just to keep him away from me.
I felt like I had been raped when I conceived my son, but I felt like I wasn't because it wasn't a violent attack. I said that I could have been
raped because of who it was. Until one day he came over trying to force himself on me and said "I will just take it like I did when you got
pregnant' That's when I know I had to get away.
When I was 9 months pregnant I petitioned for a restraining order and found out about his violent past and history of spousal abuse. I was very afraid and almost backed down, but after 4 months for court hearings, I finally got the restraining order and moved to another state.
This is the very, very very abridged version of what happened to me, and I am willing to share more if anyone can be helped by the story, but I have so many concerns and questions and worries, that I don't know where to begin.
I have two children by a rapist and I don't want my daughter to know about it until she is old enough to handle it. When will she be old enough to know that her father is a monster?
also, I don't feel like the few people I have told even believe me and they are my close friends, so why would the legal system believe me if I ever have to battle him for custody, if he finds us? I didn't go to the police and say he raped me what will the courts say if I tell them that is why I don't want him to see the kids.
How long do I stay in fear and hide away from this man who has ruined so much of my life for so long.
I am just beginning to see the damage that this is doing to my life, how long will this go on