When I was 17, I went to a birthday party for my friend. A few days later she called me and said that her male friend had seen me there and wondered if he could be introduced to me properly. I agreed to meet him in a pub with friends a few days later.

I'd kissed a few boys before, but he became my first serious boyfriend. He was good-looking, a year older than me, charming and funny. We were together just over a year, and I lost my virginity to him on my 18th birthday. Looking back on it, I could see that no sex I ever had with him was great, but it could have gotten better if I'd ever talked to him properly.

That was the problem though. He had a terrible temper, and would argue with me furiously if I ever disagreed with him about anything. It got to the point where I was too ashamed of all my views to tell him anything, because I was madly in love, and really quite obsessed, with him. I still believe that he loved me too, for a time, but at the end of the relationship he had absolutely no respect for me at all.

He used to rape me anally. He never asked me if it was OK, or whether I enjoyed it, like he did whenever we had vaginal intercourse. I would lie there on my front, tears streaming down my face while I tried not to make any noise that could be interpreted as pain. I was just so desperate for him not to leave me. It hurt so much; but I'd never felt so wanted before.

When he dumped me after we went to university (because he didn't want the responsibility of maintaining a long-distance relationship), I was heartbroken. The friend who introduced him to me also stopped speaking to me, doubling the pain. But even after the heartbreak had healed, another kind of pain kept going as an undercurrent to my life. Even getting tested for HIV (negative, thankfully, I know how lucky I am) and other STI's didn't set my mind at rest. I had another boyfriend for a while; a sweet, cute guy my own age who I'd had a crush on for ages. It didn't work out. He was so naive, so clueless. He seemed so young, and I knew he'd never be able to comprehend the type of relationship I'd had with my ex. I split up with him after a few weeks and we're still really good friends.

I started seeing my current boyfriend when I was nineteen. Like me, he'd had a serious relationship before, albeit without the complexities of mine. I told him a bit about my ex when we started dating - what he did for a living, why we broke up, etc. - but didn't get into the more difficult stuff until a while later.

It was just after I'd started sleeping with my current boyfriend that I realised I'd been raped by my ex. Suddenly I was experiencing new feelings, and I knew that there was more to sex than making the other person feel good. And I also realised that the whole sexual experience was really frightening for me. I was scared of enjoying myself. Scared of my previous experiences, and most of all, scared of myself and my reactions.

The pain which I'd subdued over the years suddenly came rushing back. I had nightmares, and flashbacks, and my poor boyfriend didn't know what to do. Eventually he pleaded with me to tell him what was wrong, and I summoned up the courage to tell him.

"I was raped." These were possibly the hardest words I've ever had to say. I started off calmly but broke down in tears as I told him the details. He did exactly the right thing - held me close and stroked my hair, and said exactly the right things. "You didn't deserve that. It shouldn't have happened to you."

Working through this, accepting what happened to me and coming to terms with it, has made me a much stronger person and I've come out of it much happier. Some of the things I believed as a teenager were undeniably stupid, but nobody can use that as an excuse to hurt someone as much as he hurt me. I was no more stupid than any other naive eighteen-year-old. I was just unfortunate, and I'm much, much luckier now.

Today I love the world we live in, I love the people that live in it, I love my friends and I especially love my boyfriend. What we have isn't necessarily going to last forever (although we'll see!), but the help, support and renewed sense of confidence he has given me will last a lifetime.