||My story is unusual, and complicated. This is the first forum I have ever been a part of in my life. Please excuse me if I go on for too long. I have read this will help in the healing process, so, here goes nothing....I have to take sleep medication for a chronic, degenerative, jaw disorder. I started taking Ambien about 7 yrs, ago. The side-effects, at least for me, were extreme. I would do things like eat, walk around, cook, and have sex, all without remembering, or even being aware of what I was doing. the only exception to that was right as the medication was starting to wear off, or just before the full effects took place.
My Husband, almost immediately following the on-set of side-effects, started to engage me in sexual intercourse without my consent. I first found out about it when I started waking up, noticing signs that we as women, tend to notice. I confronted him about it. He would admit to it, but then he would blame me. He said that my libido got ramped up and I came on to him, even though I, of course, remembered none of it. I told him it made me feel like nothing more than a slab of meat, or an object. He said he wasn't at fault because of what I did while under the influence of my meds. I then felt guilty, and like it WAS my fault for coming on to him while using the medication. So, time went by, he continued to assault me, I continued to cry to him, and beg him not to engage sexually unless I hadn't yet taken my medication. He said, "what am I supposed to do? You come on to me, and I don't want you to feel rejected, or get mad at me." so, again, I would actually feel sorry, and sometimes even apologize for putting him in such an "awkward position".
Fast forward to November of 2012. Our marriage was already just about to end. I told him we were done. I was desperately trying to just be civil til the end of the current school year for my daughter. She is graduating in May. I told him he was not to touch me anymore. That we just needed to be civil to one another for a little while longer.Instead, everything escalated. I had already switched from Ambien, to Lunesta. Lunesta was much better. I could almost always remember things. He still tried to do things, and succeeded sometimes. The incident that finally woke me up to the fact that what had been going on all these years was rape, was the following:
so I took my lunesta and fell asleep on the couch. I had told him since the end of July he was no longer allowed to touch me in any way. We were done in every way, except I and the girls had nowhere else to go. He refused to leave. He led me up the stairs while I was totally out of it. I still remember telling him yet again, even dazed, not to touch me. so I ended up in our bed. I immediately fell back to sleep. I was later awakened by the sound of his voice. He said "we can just be fuck friends" and "you know you want to be fucked". This scared me to the depths of my soul. Why? Because in 16 years of marriage, he had Never, Ever, spoken to me in such a vulgar, demeaning, humiliating, cruel, way. I froze in panic. I pretended to still be asleep, and acted like I didn't hear him. I slowly, after a time, was able to fall back to sleep. ( mostly, I believe due to the Lunesta) Again I was awakened by the sound of his voice a little while after that. This time though, he was already engaging in giving me oral, and digital penetration. He was saying "Aren't you horny?" and " this will just be a tension reliever". I could not pretend to be asleep that time. I sat up partway, and said "this isn't right, you need to stop" the second I said stop, he did. I don't even know for how long he had been doing what he was already doing. He, almost like a robot, smoothly got up, layed down, put his head on his pillow, and fell almost instantly asleep. I was so paralyzed, all I could do was lay there, with my heart pounding in my chest. Out of all the dozens of times he raped me, this one snapped something inside me. I never felt so, dirty, ashamed, afraid, humiliated, used, sick, hate-filled, etc. etc. etc. .....this was what finally made me report him to the police. It's been a nightmare. the D.A. just returned my case to the A.P.D. as exceptionally cleared. Meaning, it's all true, but they feel like a jury may not convict him. so, I cannot seem to stop obsessing, doing research, making phone calls, etc.I'm having nightmares, flash-backs, depression, lack of appetite, anger, crying jags,..you name it. i'm experiencing it. THIS FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!
Reply from Sitemistress:Hi faeiriedust
Thanks for sharing your story hon, and no, you didn't go on too long. It sounds like you've had very little real support for the terrible betrayals you experienced. You deserve support, and you can get it from other survivors at www.pandys.org, if you feel like it. The nightmares and other symptoms will get easier with time and appropriate support, Sister, (((((hug))))) if okay, you are very strong for having survived.