||First off, thank you! I am not alone! I have felt so alone for so many many years. Thank all of you who have shared for telling me that I am not alone. I can't thank you enough for that.
My story begins at 18. I got married so young. I should have seen the red flags. But how can you when you are so young? Before we even got married he would always coerce me into sex. Any time I wasn't in the mood, he would beg and then just start touching me until I consented. I didn't know that was also rape.
After we got married, that would still happen. but if I managed to put him off, I started waking to him touching me. sometimes he would get as far as penetration before I woke. He sarted having me take OTC sleeping pills to try to keep me from waking. It varied between vaginal and anal. How I could sleep through even a little bit, I don't know.
I had asked him so many times to stop. He never did. I hated sex. He repulsed me. I thought there was something wrong with me.
After a year and a half, I left him, got a boyfriend, and learned that sex could, in fact, be enjoyable. But I went back to husband. Stupid. That was a turning point. I think he had to reestablish dominance after that. break me down. Make me less than him. He needed me to know he could degrade me any way he saw fit. And he did. Every single night. for 7 years. I had to know I would be trash to any other man. I sure felt that way.
It escalated over the years. Tying me up. sodomizing me. He once slapped my vagina so hard it made me choke on the scream in my throat. He would make me perform oral sex and slam my head down until I threw up. He would choke me during. Call me names. Cum anywhere he felt like. Hold me down. Shove objects into me. And still hate me when he was done with me.
All the while, still having sex with me while I was asleep. Any time I awoke during he would lose his mind on me. He would occasionally get physically violent. Always insisting that a husband cannot possibly rape a wife. And tell me there was something wrong with me. The women in his porn liked what those men were doing. All women like it. I was supposed to enjoy it. He hated me for not enjoying myself.
I prayed to be a better wife. I was a devout Christian. He used the Bible to control me. He looked at ever increasingly violent pornography.
The night before I moved out was the worst ever. And my then 6 year old son woke up to me screaming and begging him to stop. He told our son I was having a bad dream, and told me if i didn't keep quiet it would get so much worse. I kept quiet, but it got worse anyway. When it was over, before he fell asleep, he said, sweet as can be, "please don't leave me." I said, "I won't." I moved out the next day. finally.
He stalked an tortured me for several months until I moved 3 hours away. We have two children together, so i still have to see him. and fight with him. and hear him tell me how he never hurt me. which is what led me here today.
It has been over 6 years since I left. I have moved on. I have a wonderful husband. I have a wonderful life. But my ex still haunts my dreams. I spent years feeling so ashamed of myself. So humiliated. So alone. I have voiced very little of what I went through. I haven't healed completely. I don't know if I ever will. I thought this might help me. And maybe help someone else.