Aohrodite Wounded - Support for Women sexually assaulted by male partners and educational resources for professionals
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"A marriage license should not be viewed as a license for a husband to forcibly rape his wife with impunity."
~ Sol Wachtler~
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Survivor's Story: It was about 4 years into the marriage. I was 25. The relationship I was in at that time was emotionally abusive and manipulative, but I didn't have the knowledge to recognise it at that time. To me abusive relationship meant one slap and I'm gone. I didn't even know that someone who claimed to love me could be abusive in non-physical way.

I just sensed that something was not right in the relationship. The fact that I didn't have any friends of my own started to bother me - I only knew people through my now ex. I started to want more in life. First and foremost I wanted to have friends. So when the opportunity to go out arose, I dived on it. It was a workmates leaving party. I thought it was going to be great practice for me to socialise and build up some skills. So out I went, had a few drinks, but I didn't get completely hammered because my body cannot tolerate more than a couple of glasses of wine. I was fairly tipsy and at around midnight us girls began finding our way home. I got a taxi home. Once I was home, I had a shower, put some underwear on (my little boy was 4 at the time and was in bed asleep beside his father; we sometimes shared the bed), and got into bed.

That's where it gets fuzzy in my mind. I don't know if it was the drink or my mind protecting me from painful memories. Anyhow, I remember getting into bed. I remember ex getting up out of his side of the bed, coming around the bed to my side. I vaguely remember him just getting on top of me without so much as a word. I think he used his saliva to lubricate me. He had sex with me. I was afraid to waken the little fella so I made no noise. I was afraid that if I said "no", he would later take it out either or me or worse yet, our little boy. I simply submitted. It was not a violent rape, and because of it, I had great difficulty recognising what happened to me and calling it a rape. When he was finished with me, he got off, and went back to bed. It was calculated, he had a condom ready. I remember turning around on my side and crying. At that time I probably thought I was overly emotional because of the drink I had taken earlier that night.

The next day I acted as if nothing had happened. He did the same. The next time there was a work Christmas party, but without realising why, I was adamant I would not go home after the party, I stayed the night elsewhere. That was the last time I went out during that relationship, I suppose somewhere in my unconscious mind I was afraid of being raped again. As the time went on, I got worse: I became very confused about my priorities, my self worth became virtually non-existent, I just took what life threw at me, I became completely demotivated and only did the basic things required to survive as to not raise any suspicions in case someone might have thought that I was unfit mother, which I wasn't but I felt totally crap at everything I did..

I had completely forgotten about it until about a month ago. The memories started with a very vivid dream that seemed to have nothing in common with the rape, but it obviously stirred up something in me. The following morning I started feeling extremely anxious about the potential of being raped sometime in the future, it was frightening. Then completely out of the blue the memories of that night started bubbling up. A few days later when I managed to admit to myself that I was in fact raped, I got the book "Real Rape, Real Pain" which helped me enormously. Once I finished reading it and processing, I booked an appointment with a private psychotherapist. I am due to see him in a few days. I hope it goes well.

I was shocked to discover that I was raped. Previous to that, to my mind it only happened to fictional characters like Scarlet in "Gone With the Wind". I couldn't believe it happened to me. Why would anyone want to use power and control and not love in a real life relationship? I'm out of that relationship over three years now, but ex continues to harass me through courts about the visitations. He has said to my son during a visitation that he was "going to take mum to his house and hurt her... hurt her bad". There are good days, there are bad days. During the bad ones, I am afraid he will find a way to rape me again. I hope that never happens. I just want to feel safe and know that he is not going to rape me again. I just want him to be out of my life and leave me alone forever.
Submitted October 3 , 2013 4 : 56 pm

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