I'm appalled by the stories I've already read yet I am finally home.

I've spent much of this year in treatment for PTSD for childhood sexual abuse. But, I am realizing that I've been raped as well. By my so called high school sweetheart.

During a therapy session earlier this week I told my therapist that my high school boyfriend forced me to give him oral sex. I hated myself for being so young and stupid as to allow him to do so. But, I never called it rape. If I call it rape then he is just another abuser. He never really loved me. Inside I think I've always known that.That realization has numbed me, made me sick, scared me.

I'm 37 years old and have two beautiful children. It amazes me how much trauma from the past can destroy my present.

Anyhow, here's my story; neighborhood kids started having sex with me at around the age of   8. I went to my mom who told me not to let it happen again and put Vaseline on my sore genitals. At 12 a stranger at the beach forced me to masturbate him. I didn't bother to ask for protection because of my previous experiences.

I started dating Troy, the love of my life at 16. He was always forceful, and sex was always for him. But I was so in love I'd do anything for him. I eventually broke up with him because of his mother. She hated me. He took me back and then dumped me. That's when the real abuse started. He would come to my window late at night, drunk and ask me to come outside. I would sneak out. His buddies would be sitting out in his pick up waiting for him. He'd tell me that he still loved me and maybe we'd get back together. Then he'd force me to go down on him. It hurt, I hated it. It was humiliating. To make matters worse one of his buddies was the asst. manager at the grocery store where I worked and he told everybody how "good" Troy said I was. Talk about sexual harassment.

In college one of my boyfriends tried to strangle me. I feel like abusers are drawn to me or me to them.

I spent 5 weeks in treatment at The Meadow's. I am currently seeing a therapist once a week. I go to 12 step meetings. I'm getting stronger, I have a recovery program to work. But it still hurts.