My boyfriend was a year older than me. We had been dating for about a year and decided to stay together while he was in college. I was different than the other girls he has dated, because I am by nature, not a sexual being. I thought everything would be fine, because I really loved him. I may be young but I honestly wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But things changed, he changed when he left. He would visit on a monthly basis, because he went to school 15 hours away.

 

He began to sexually assault me the weekend of my eighteenth birthday. It was the worst birthday of my life. He never physically hurt me, but when I said no, he would stop for a minute maybe before he continued to finger me or forced me to give him oral. From then on he would assault me anytime we saw each other. I was a virgin until February 15. It was the worst day of my life. Sam was coming home for Valentine's Day to see me. I knew he wanted to have sex at my house, but my mom was sick and took off work, so we couldn't go there. I cannot express my feelings of relief, because his mom was at his house when I was there. Then she left. I was horrified, because I thought I knew what was going to happen. I thought we were going to fight about how I didn't want to have sex and I just hated fighting when he was only home for a few days. I was wrong. He had already made up his mind. I tried hard to explain that I wasn't ready to have sex as he was getting out a condom and taking off my clothes. I tried to explain that I was too young and too scared. It was too late. He did not physically keep me there, but I couldn't move. I was horrified that the love of my life was doing this. That night he came to my house to have dinner and watch a movie with my parents. My parents adored him. Afterwards, they went to bed and I told Sam that I never wanted to have sex. He claimed he felt terrible and would never make me do anything again. I didn't admit it was rape; I didn't think it was rape. I told him I would go say bye to him the next morning at his house. He knew how bad I felt about not being a virgin and how everything happened. Yet the next morning he wanted to have sex again; he was in the process of taking off my clothes while I was saying no and crying. He eventually stopped because he heard his mom wake up in the next room. I told him again on the phone when he was back at school how bad I felt and asked why he didn't understand. He said he never would again, but I knew after that morning he left that wouldn't be true.

 

I just shut down all my emotions and went through the motions of living for the next month and a half. Then I told my friend who convinced me to tell my family. They were very supportive and I cannot express my gratitude to them. I ended up breaking with Sam at the end of March when he was home for spring break and while I still feel like part of me is missing I think I am healing.