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Qua's Story
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It was August 11th, Friday, 12 or 1 something in the morning. My friends and I were all chillin' in our apartment room. We were finishing a pre-college-life experience offered to us by our school. I was 18. The summer before my first semester in college. There was a guy in the program that I grew to like. For the sake of the story, I'll call him Y.B. - it has nothing to do with him, it's actually a secret name I wound up giving my stepdad who molested me. At first, I didn't even notice that I liked him. He was just a cool and supportive friend. He seemed to always be there when I needed someone or something, out of pure coincidence. We started hanging out together more and secretly flirting. It seemed that we were on the right path to a relationship. Then came the last days of our program. I was already going through a lot just graduating high school and being molested and having it interrupt my everyday life. I saw him get so angry at one of my friends. He just snapped all of a sudden. He wasn't that cute guy anymore. He was one with a temper. But I ignored it because I really didn't have anyone and I just wanted attention. I'm sort of small with a little shape. But my friends have more of a shape and body than I do. I started seeing his wandering eyes and him watching my friends in an eerie perverted kinda way. I started to get jealous. I wanted him to like me. Forget that I got the feeling that something wasn't right about him. Forget that I learned that he had a serious temper if his say-so didn't go. I just wanted someone to like ME. I was a virgin and I thought he knew that. Me and my friends used to act silly and walk and dance around the apartment making up a virgin song just acting silly. He was there a few times. Maybe he wasn't paying attention. Maybe I thought he was in the room but he really wasn't. But it doesn't matter. The second to last night in the program, I got a little temper and got upset with a friend. And silly me, I decided to teach her a lesson and I tried to OD on some pills. It didn't do a single thing. All it did was knock me out. I was sleep for hours. The time that I get the guts to try and kill myself, it doesn't work. Well anyway. I woke up and found out that they were having an illegal party - it wasn't registered at the school and it was alcoholic with minors. I was still sleepy. Y.B. came over and we chilled for a little bit and fell asleep on the couch laying on each other. I though it was so sweet. I thought, what a great sign and step in our relationship. The next night, they had another illegal party. But this one was worse. It was alcohol and marijuana there and upperclassmen - we weren't allowed to have guests, especially other students. My friends and I stayed back at our apartment and just chilled. Well, it wasn't really my apartment. I became really close with the people there and wound up living in their apartment instead of the apartment I was assigned to. Well...me and Y.B. were sitting on the bed.... well I was more in a laying position while he was sitting up but leaning on me. My friends and I were all laughing having fun. One of the girls kept daring herself to lift up her shirt and bra while we were secretly trying to take a picture. Just to show all of the fun we were having that summer. I could see that Y.B. was getting a little too happy so I started to rub on his stomach. I'd never done anything like this before. I was a "secret" freak because of all the stuff I'd been through as a young child and I previously had a boyfriend. I learned to seduce and arouse and that's exactly what I was doing. But me thinking like a virgin and thinking he was thinking like a virgin didn't think anything of it. Everyone wound up leaving us in the room by ourselves and they cut off the lights. For a while, we were simply cuddling while I caressed his chest. My best friend in the program walked in the room to get something - it was actually her room- she didn't know that we were in there. She walked back out and cut of the light. One thing led to another and I started doing things that I'd never done except upon force. I was taking my hand further and further down his body. He kept asking me if I wanted to go upstairs. I didn't get what he was saying. I thought he was saying it because it was neither of our apartments and it seemed invading or disrespectful. I kept saying no. I knew my friend wasn't coming back in since she knew we were in there and I figured we weren't doing anything that serious. Well, my hand kept going further and further till I was in his shorts giving him a hand job. I had never done anything like this before and I felt disgraced that I would do this JUST because I was jealous and wanted to keep him. I could see if we were actually seriously dating or something. But this was our first intimate time alone and I got straight to it. But I didn't want to have sex. And I wasn't thinking and figured that he knew that also. Well, he wound up taking me upstairs. As we were going up the stairs, I was thinking, "Now, QuaDizzle, you know that you don't need to be doing this. What if it leads to sex?" And right then, I realized what was going on and got really scared. I don't blame him. I was taught all my life that I didn't have a right to anything. Not even to say no to the use of my own body. I was scared and starting thinking when and how I would tell him that I didn't want to have sex. I was panicking in my head. I sometimes had minor panic attacks when I didn't know what to do. We went into his apartment and no one was there. We went into his room and I sat on the bed. The lights were off but there was a little light in there. He immediately stripped out of his clothes naked within seconds. I panicked so bad. I almost froze. I didn't know what to do. This wasn't my stepdad. This wasn't my uncle. What could I do to make him not want to have sex? I thought in my mind that I would mind fooling around with him and I'd give him a hand job so he could ejaculate. I began to feel bad already that I didn't see that he wanted sex and I didn't. He immediately put a condom on and jumped in the bed. I was still sitting there with my clothes on. He began to help me take my clothes off. Just my shirt and bra. He laid me down and started kissing me and fondling my chest with his hand and mouth. He worked his way down my stomach and reached my shorts. I thought that he wanted to perform oral sex on me. So, I he helped me take off my shorts and panties. He went back to my upper body. The whole time this is turning my off. I didn't like it. It reminded me of my past and it made me feel nasty and dirty. Then..... he did the same thing my stepdad did except my stepdad was tickling me and my stepdad didn't hurt me.... he tried to finger me and it hurt so I jumped back and told him not to do that because it hurt. He obviously ignored me and kept trying but it was working. He said, "Damn, you're real wet." Excuse my words. I felt so stupid and dirty. I didn't want this. But that's what I get for being selfish. I was thinking about me the whole time. Well, I kept telling him that it wasn't feeling good and that it was hurting. So he stopped...and tried to put his penis in me! How stupid can someone be? If your finger doesn't fit.....what makes you think your brain will - I call it his brain because that's what he was using to think and make decisions! Before he put it in, I told him, no it wouldn't work and it wasn't going to fit and it was going to hurt. I really did tell him all of that. He kept trying to push it in and it kept hurting. No one had ever had sex with me. My uncle tried but stopped when it didn't fit. But Y.B. didn't. He kept trying and trying. I said something that made him realize that I was a virgin and he asked me was I a virgin and I said yes. All he said was oh and it always hurts your first time, it's supposed to. Oh thank you...I really needed you to tell me that! Anyway, he kept trying to put it in and it would work. He did something that I didn't understand until a few months ago. After trying to finger me the first time and it not work, his dumb-self tried to finger me again! However, when I complained this time, he put another finger in and another finger in till he was almost trying to put his whole hand in. It was really hurting and I thought that he was going to rip me. He finally stopped...BUT...tried to put his penis inside me again. HELLO REJECT! It's not working and I don't want it to work! I started moving back a little cause he was on top. I was holding his waist up while he was trying to push down. It wasn't working and he didn't get the point. I know I should have been said and said by now that I didn't want to have sex and stop. But I figured he knew that. But that's why I was stupid and that's just what I get. I shouldn't have been in that situation anyway. Well anyway, he thought a brilliant idea...he told me to get on top and maybe it would be easier for me. Stupid me, I went ahead with it. I was thinking that I would have the upper hand now and wouldn't even try to let it go in so he would get the point. Me being on top was working for a little bit. We kept trying...well he kept trying and I was telling him that it wasn't working. He was still trying to push it in. He was strong. But because I was on top, I had the upper hand I wouldn't let him push any further. He stopped trying and started trying to finger me again. This time, I moved his hand tried to make him play with my, excuse me bluntness, clit. He did for a few seconds and I started giving him a hand job again. Then he tried to finger me again and I kept trying to redirect him. He got frustrated and tried to put his penis in again and I wouldn't let him. Then I did the stupidest and last move that he'd let me make for the night. He suggested that I get back on the bottom. I really wasn't think and got back on the bottom and realized the stupid move that I'd just made. Again, he kept trying to put it in and I wouldn't let him. The whole night I kept telling him that I wanted to stop because it wasn't working and it was hurting. Then he finally stopped. So I thought he did. Then he just pushed it right in. That was the worst pain that I ever felt and it caught me by such shock that I could barely move or say anything. I started real weak and kept telling him that it was hurting and could he stop. Yes, I asked him could he stop. Stupid me. And of course, he didn't answer. He just went right along with his business. I was trying not to cry. I don't know why. I was never supposed to show them that they hurt me so I tried not to cry. But as he kept pushing I let out little weeps. It felt like he was pushing harder and harder. Tears started falling down my face and I started speaking a little louder. The whole while I was trying to push him off of me. I kept begging and pushing and so did he. I started crying a little loud and more. He started acting like a mad man and was pushing really wild and crazy. He was pushing in me so hard I though I was about to burst and bleed. Surprisingly I didn't. But I started to leave myself and think of all my friends outside. Who could I tell what would I do when it was over? Would I still speak to him? Would we still be friends? And eventually, When will this be over? When will I die? Can I at least pass out? Can I not feel this pain? Thought it would never end. I was just begging that it would be over. I guess I started crying a little bit too much too loud. He kept saying, It's almost over, I'm almost finished. When I'd ask him to stop too much, when I'd tell him I was hurting too much, he'd kiss my lips. When I'd shed too many tears and cry too loud, he'd wipe my face; he'd wipe the tears. Why'd he have to be so romantic at the wrong time? I wanted him to stop not cause me to cause him to wipe my tears or kiss my face. But he still would stop. It got to the point where he was pushing so hard that he was almost lifting me off the bed. Sometimes it hurt so bad that I'd have to retreat from pushing him off to holding him closer to have something to hold on to. I don't know if I gave him the wrong idea. I don't know if by me holding on to him made him want to go even longer, but he just wouldn't stop and I couldn't hold in my cries. I kept crying more and more and a little louder each plea I made. There was another party going on in the apartment that we had just left so no one could really hear me. I was crying that loud anyway. Did I really want it to stop? Yes, it hurt too much and I wasn't ready for sex yet. He just kept pushing harder and harder till finally, I think he got tired of hearing me complain and he just stopped and got off. He didn't even ejaculate. I was so upset but I felt so bad that I led him on that I immediately stopped crying. I learned from experience to comfort them before I thought about myself. I just got up and hurried up and put my clothes on. I apologized to him as I was leaving and he told me that it was ok, it was my first time anyway. He walked me to the door and I went downstairs and outside. I immediately looked for a friend to console me. And there she was, right as I was walking out the door. I tried to tell her but I was hurting so much and I was in so much fear and confusion that I couldn't get it right or straight. But they understood and figured out what I was saying. They asked me if I wanted them to go beat him up and I said no because he might come and get me. I just told her to walk me to her apartment and they wanted to hold me. But I told them no because we were outside and he might see that I told someone so I made them walk a distance in front of me. I went to her apartment and went to sleep. I wanted to die. I woke up in reality. It hit me. I'd lost my virginity and I didn't want it gone. I was so sick and unhappy. I never told anyone else except a few times when I needed consoling. But they basically told me that it was my fault and I asked for it. This is only the second time that I told all that happened. Both times, I wrote it in an email. The first time I wrote it was a question as to whether or not it was rape. The second time was to vent. Thank you for letting me share my story. Qua Dizzle  |
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