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"Violators cannot live with the truth: survivors cannot live without it. There are those who still, are poised to invalidate and deny us. If we don't assert our truth, it may again be relegated to fantasy."
~ Chrystine Oksana ~



There are 10 responses to a page, with the oldest first. At the bottom of each page, there will be page numbers where you can go backwards or forwards as you like.
Please feel free to share a response you've had here
Survivor's Name: Tessa
Type of Response: Ridiculous
What Response Was: General consensus (apparently, I heard this after I had left) was that I was lying ... 'It wasn't a rape because she opened her legs', 'it wasn't a rape because he wasn't a stranger in an alley with a knife', 'WHY doesn't she like Jean-Marc, he's such a NICE MAN', 'Well, she took advantage of him anyway', and 'He said SHE raped HIM'.
Response came from: Neighbours of us both, whom I foolishly thought were my 'friends' too
How Survivor Felt: Absolutely outraged, furious, would like to shove their rotten words down their throats. To think that WOMEN, in particular (and one of whom is treated abominably by her partner too) could say such things about another woman who has divulged (in a traumatised state, too) something so serious.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

You stupid stupid people - you've even SEEN how this guy behaves towards women in the past - in fact the women amongst you have even EXPERIENCED being treated like sex objects by him - and despite all that you think it's ME that's lying? Frankly, how much of a brain do you have between you?

Survivor's Name: Tatt2dhrt
Type of Response: Ridiculous
What Response Was: -I dont know about that!
-He would never do that!
-I am going to ask him if it is true.
-Why are you telling us this now?
_I dont blame him
Response came from: Sisters
How Survivor Felt: unvalidated. I was in disbelief after having poured my soul out to them. I felt and still feel like I have to beg them to have my back. They still hang out with him and call each other in laws.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

I didnt say anything. I couldnt think of a single thing to say to them then. Now, 7 years later, I dont give a damn about them and we have no sisterhood.

Survivor's Name: HB
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: "I really feel sorry for him after all this" and "he is a good guy, don't try to tell me otherwise, I met him I could see he was a good guy"
Response came from: my older sister
How Survivor Felt: completely abandoned, let down, like a bad person unworthy of her support, wrong, guilty, alone.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

where is your sympathy for me, your sister? it's not about him being a good guy or a bad guy it's about me having been raped by him. please support me. you bitch.

Survivor's Name: Tracy
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: After disclosing losing my virginity in a multiple person sustained assault to a friend (it happened years earlier and I was just testing the waters to get her attitude about sexual assault). My friend said, "I'm really sorry that happened, I have a lot going on right now with my sister and I can't really be available to you."
Response came from: Amanda (friend)
How Survivor Felt: I felt so ashamed and weak. Lonliness washed over me when i realized if no one would care about the violent unpredictable assault, I believed I was only feeling raped because of my past and I was just being triggered because my husband (an otherwise loving husband and father) kept crossing boundaries we agreed on. I decided not to disclose that my husband had been using alcohol, sleep deprivation, pouting, and moderate force to assault me for about 6 months. It continued for 18 more months before I disclosed to a therapist.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

That she was wrong to ask for details of my assault and be a listening ear for the humiliating specifics only to voice that it was just to much for HER o handle. I blame myself for not being honest with how relavent the last assault was in my marriage.

Survivor's Name: MarieClaire
Type of Response: Ridiculous
What Response Was: "We were in a cycle of wild sex" "It wasn't rape.."
Response came from: Ex-Husband
How Survivor Felt: Disgusted, Hurt, wondered if I was lying to myself

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

Get off my property before I stick a bullet in your head. Or "how on earth have you justified this in your head?"

Survivor's Name: faeriedust
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: "If you had come forward, ohhh let's say, seven years ago, or so, the outcome of your case would be completely different". And also," the officer on scene wasn't in bed with the two of you, now was he?"
Response came from: Detective wright, of the Aurora Colorado Police Dept.
How Survivor Felt: Hurt, angry, enraged, guilty, hopeless, ashamed

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

How dare you! you, a sex crimes investigator, of ALL PEOPLE, should never, ever, BLAME the victim, or SHAME the victim!!! You are supposed to be advocating for me, you son of a bitch!!!!

Survivor's Name: faeriedust
Type of Response: Helpful
What Response Was: My Mom, after thinking about how long things had been going on, and how many repeated times my husband raped me, responded with: " I AM SO FURIOUS WITH YOU!!! YOU KEPT ME OUT OF THE LOOP! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?!?" I had to simply walk away.....ugh.
Response came from: My Mother
How Survivor Felt: It made me feel completely invalidated, hurt, and furious!

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

I would love to have said something like...." you are worried about not being " in the loop?" Are you fucking kidding me? your daughter has been raped! Repeatedly! For seven years!!! And you are worried about the fact that I didn't come to you first? How self-cenetered can you possibly get?

Survivor's Name: BellaDonna
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: "I can only assume you're reporting honestly. But if that's the case, I don't understand why you're still with him."
Response came from: Someone I thought was my best friend
How Survivor Felt: Weak, powerless, betrayed, ashamed.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

Wish I'd said: "Unless you're planning to take me AND my kids in until I can find a job, you have no right to criticize me."

Survivor's Name: Fiona
Type of Response: Ridiculous
What Response Was: I was told to take responsibility for my rape, implied that i was lying from the woman in charge of the investigation and she enjoyed smirking about the low conviction.
Response came from: Nina Hedley
How Survivor Felt: Furious and deeply disturbed that someone in her position would find the low conviction rate funny. The implication I was lying was given just before my second statement and it ruined it, I couldn't continue with the statement the way I was able to before. The police are sometimes the rapist best friend.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

I made a complaint to the IPCC as the investigation was ridiculous. I have nothing to say to her, my only wish is that she's held accountable for her actions. I think she's an utter disgrace, too women and the human race.

Survivor's Name: dove
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: You were married for 40 years, that how it was in those days.
Response came from: Daughter
How Survivor Felt: Devastated. every time I'm with her she devastates me with her comments.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

I wanted to tell her I was forced to marry him as my mother caught him raping me at 16 and i was so ashamed I couldn't tell her I'd been unwilling. He threatened and abused me throughout the marriage fear was why I stayed. He almost killed me with his brutality and I got a window of opportunity and left instead of waiting for him to finish me off.

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