Where do I start or begin, I never thought reading about other peoples stories would trigger something in me but it did. For years I didn't believe that I was "raped", I only wanted to believe what they told me what had happened. That you have to be forced only for it to be considered rape but reading what rape really is, that I do believe that I was raped by my boyfriend.
My story starts when I was seventeen I fell for the "right" guy. He was everything I wanted him to be or thought I wanted but apprentantly I was wrong. He was emotional abusive to me. He would check out girls in front of me and taunt me about my ex-boyfriend. He was my ex's cousin and he knew I had loved him with all my heart but things had ended before I started to see him. He would love to tell me about the girls my ex would be seeing. I had no self-esteem left when I hooked up with him. To him sex was something couples did and do due the fact that I had slept with my ex, he thought that I would sleep with him too. But I was trying to change my life around and trying to do the right thing for myself.

Everything was fine between us until that fateful night, it started out fine. I had a few drinks with my friends and I was spending the night with him. I guess I had too much to drink and had a blackout, next thing you know he has his shorts off and I have none on either. I freak out and he doesn't know what to do, so he sleeps on the floor. Ilaid out after that but woke up in the morning feeling like hell and confused. I can't distinguish between what's real and what's not. But deep down in my heart I know what has happened. he later contacted me and admitted to "raping" me. I knew what the feeling of rape is because I was raped when I was a young girl and I guess that feeling never leaves you. Some of my friends believed me but some of them didn't , I then realized who my true friends were. I had tried to charge him but I guess due to my past relationship I was branded that type go girl.

After a month or so, I ended going back to my rapist because people had convinced me that it didn't happen the way I thought. I was never the same girl again, I was once outgoing and fun. But now the abuse got worse, I was branded a liar and entrust-worthy. I later began sleeping with him because I felt I had no choice. I attempted to drop out of school but I had people that cared and I didn't realize it. I never did trust people after my ordeal. I ended up getting pregnant, my so-called-boyfriend wanted nothing to do with it. Deep in my heart I wanted this baby but I knew I couldn't keep. I was starting university in the fall. I was scheduled for an abortion but only to find out that the baby had died inside of me. I guess that was the last stone and my world came crashing down. I never did recover from that loss, I guess it was my only hope and I had my family to help me.My grandmother had found out about it and she cried with me. I later attended school but dropped out due to my mental state. I went into a deep depression and spelt for about two months straight and became addicted to pills.

This state lasted about 3-4 months, then I met my spouse when I was drinking around, everything was fine with as long we were drinking. I became pregnant but had a horrible miscarriage. we started to drink lots after that. I became pregnant again but this time he became very abusive. He would yell at me and push me around. My first real beating came on my daughter due date and it continued for 8 years. My family would tell me to leave but I found it very hard to leave because I know how it feels to have someone you love leave you. My children have witnessed that violence and I don't want them to think its alright for dad to hit mom. My mother was also abused by my step-dad. He eventually shot her and she went back to him. I'm currently still with my spouse and feel like I need to make some changes in my life. Thank you for listening to my story and thank you fro your site because it does put my mind to rest knowing that I was raped and it wasn't in my head.

Sally J

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