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Survivor's Story: I am 25 years old. I was a baby when my dad molested me. He rubbed himself on me while we took baths together. I didn't really remember it, but when I was 7 my parents were divorcing and my mom told me about it - he had copped to it in a couples counseling session three years earlier, when she was pregnant with my sister. I was so so so sad because I loved my dad and I didn't know how to reconcile the man who was so kind to me and told me stories and always played with me with someone who had hurt me like that. We have a relationship now that is friendly and loving, but it is always in the air between us. It breaks my heart because I feel like if he hadn't done that we would have had a more real relationship and he might have kept me away from my mother more. She resented me for it which also broke my heart. I tried my best to make them both happy and I couldn't.

The other thing was when I was about 6. It was the summer before 2nd grade or 3rd I don't remember which. My neighbor who was about 10 started inviting me over to his house all the time. I would say no and he would beg me and I would feel bad so I went over. I don't remember how it started, but he would dry hump me and have me touch him and he wanted to have sex but I said no because I had a sense in my head that was definitely wrong. I put up with the other stuff because I didn't understand and I just kind of froze and went blank. When my mom found out she asked me if I had said no to having sex why I hadn't said no to the other stuff. My heart broke again - I couldn't answer and felt guilty and ashamed.

I still feel that because I wasn't raped or made to give head that nothing *that* bad happened to me so I feel angry with myself for not getting over it. But I don't know how - I have spent more years in therapy than out and I still can't get over it - it hurts as much as it always did and my heart is still broken.
Submitted September 7 , 2011 12 : 22 am

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