||I was five years old when I was first abused by my uncle. I was in the bath with my twin sister and he was babysitting us. He kept touching our vaginas while we were playing games and although I remember it clearly, it didnít upset me or my sister as it was gentle. After the bath we ran down to our room to get dressed. He was cuddling my sister on the bed and started having sex with her. She was crying and crying and I didnít know what to do, he kept telling me it was ok, she had been naughty and he was punishing her. I was so scared and confused and started crying too. Then he told me that I was being naughty too and it was my turn. I remember him being so heavy on top on me and I was terrified. He had trouble getting inside me. It was so painful I thought I was going to die. Afterwards, he dressed us and put us on the couch together where we were instructed to stay and shut up coz we were still crying. I remember us huddling together and not moving until we fell asleep that night.
It happened a couple more times to both of us before there was family drama and my sister left. I never really saw her again. I was so mad that she got to escape and left me behind! He continued abusing me my whole childhood. I never thought to tell anyone, even if my uncle hadnít told me not to tell. But when I was 14 I had had enough and I told a friend at school, who told the rest of our friends, and they had a go at me for making up lies! They said if it was true you would have told your parents. And that if I didnít tell them I was definitely lying. I refused to tell them. They didnít speak to me for 3 months, and even now, think Iím a lier. My uncle abused me until age 15 when I told my boyfriend. He was so mad, he said he wanted to kill him but I begged him not to. He said if I didnít tell my parents he was going to the police, so I told them.
My uncle was banned from coming around to our house, but one night when everyone else was out he came over. I shouldnít have let him in! All the years he had been abusing me he had always tried to be gentle, but it had always hurt anyway. This time he didnít care, he wanted to hurt me. He was so rough, he threw me on the floor and shoved himself inside me. I could feel myself tearing and bleeding and I was crying and crying.
He finally left and I never told anyone that he had come back over. I was bruised and so sore and no one seemed to notice.
He divorced my aunty and I havenít seen him since, although I lied to my boyfriend and told him my uncle had died so that we wouldnít go looking for him. I still feel so guilty about lying to my boyfriend, we are still together and it has nearly been four years. I want to tell him that my uncle isnít really dead, just divorced and moved away but Iím scared that he will be so mad at me we might break up. I just wanted it to be over! And pretending my uncle had died seemed like the simplest way :(
It has been 3 years since it has all stopped but I still canít have sex with my boyfriend without it hurting. No matter what I do, it hurts and I get flashbacks and remember the abuse while we are having sex. Iíve been to a couple of councillors but they havenít really helped me at all. My boyfriend is pretty good about it most of the time, but sometimes he gets annoyed especially if I start crying or Ďgo all weirdí, but I canít help it all sex feels the same! I hate having sex in the dark coz I canít see who it is. My uncle has ruined my life.
Thanks for listening to my story.
Message from Sitemistress: Dear Sky,
Sweetheart, I am so sorry you have been through one of the nastiest traumas a child can experience. I have to say I am really angry for you. I completely understand why you have not wanted to tell your boyfriend the uncle is still alive. Please try to go easier on yourself, honey, there's "lying" and then there's trying to protect yourself from more horror. That's what you did - you needed to survive the best way you knew how. That's nothing to feel guilty about. If you do tell your boyfriend - and it's your choice - I hope he can understand that this is about YOU, Sky. You have been through enough without having to worry about what he might do. I still believe that you could benefit from counselling (I did!) with a good sexual assault counsellor. But sometimes it only works when we are ready. I would give it another try one day when you feel you can. Sky, you may like to read an article I wrote about child rape here: www.pandys.org/article s/childrape.html It may bring you some comfort.
You are not alone; it wasn't your fault and I'm so sorry people are calling you a liar. In the end it doesn't really matter what they think. YOU lived through these shocking events. You can heal, and you'll know when you're ready. You are brave for telling your story, hon. Take care, and NEVER feel apologetic to anybody for being affected by the dreadful things your uncle did - this is HIS fault, not yours. Taking back your life begins one step at a time, and perhaps sharing your story is one of those steps.