SURVIVORS SHARE ACCOUNTS OF TEEN PARTNER RAPE
I get numerous accounts of rape from young teenage girls. Whether your story is about partner rape or not, I am incredibly concerned about the dreadful situations you face, and because the story forms don't contain email, I can't return contact. Some of you have never told anybody. Please, if you are a young teenage girl - whatever has happened, see this page and reach out to somebody for help. If you like, you can read my story about being an abused teenager here - please know that with the right support, the way you feel won't last forever xx
When I was 13, I was a wild child- my mother eventually had enough and sent me to live with my father. He lived in a place nicknamed 'the ghetto' which gives you some kind of insight to what it was. It was a bunch of practically derelict, holiday flats on a scrap of wasteland. The people who lived there were usually travellers, hippies and druggies.
My father worked the night shift in a town about 15 miles away and slept during the day. So, eventually I got bored and started making friends with the locals. I started going out with this guy called B and things were ok, but I was going out with him for convenience not because I actually wanted to. His best mate was a man called R, who to me, at 13, was completely intoxicating. A real bad boy. He flirted with me and we fooled around a little behind B's back. When he found out how old I was (he was 23) he broke it off with me but I pursued him. Eventually I wore him down and I finished with B and started dating R.
Things got serious very quickly, I'd all but moved in with him and lost my virginity to him. Although he was very commanding in bed- he liked it hard and rough and used to pin me down. Quite often I used to bleed or be sore after sex- I didn't know if this was normal or not and when I asked him he laughed and said 'thats what happens to little girls who try to be women. He began to get violent towards me, regularly beating me to a pulp and then apologising. I always forgave him because I naively thought he would change or that it was my fault because I was so young.
One day- he beat me up quite badly and I decided to have a bath to help ease my bruises. Apparently I was too long. He marched into the bathroom with a face as evil as I've ever seen. He leant down so he was face to face with me and said 'you will never be clean you dirty bitch' and pulled me by my hair out of the bath. Naked and wet, he threw me on the floor and started kicking me. When I screamed for him to stop, he started going mad screaming 'stop? stop? I haven't even fucking started yet' he then undid his trousers and raped me. He had hold of my hair as he thrust himself into me so hard I thought I would split apart. The screams died in my throat and I just lay there. I felt so sick and dirty and just repulsed. When he'd finished, he got off me, did himself up and told me to finish my bath. I did- even though the water was cold. I just sat in the bath and cried.
From that point on, I could never 'make love' to him again. I always refused, yet he always had sex. He began to get bolder and obsessed with it. I truly believe he got turned on by the thought of me refusing him. He would take me for walks to the nearby cliffs and start a fight, he would grab me by my arms and shake me near the edge. I got so scared that I ran off- he would literally hunt me down and rape me wherever he found me- a pathway, behind a neighbours flat, by his car. It became a game to him.
R was a drug addict. He ran up some huge bills that he just couldn't pay, so he made an arrangement with his 40 year old dealer. Me. He sold me to his dealer for the night. I was 14. That man raped me vaginally and anally all night. He forced me to suck his disgusting wrinkly cock. He held my head down and didn't care that I was gagging.He was a sweaty, balding fat ugly man and I couldn't do a thing about it. The door was locked from the outside until the morning. He said to me that he 'liked fresh, young meat'. When the door was unlocked in the morning, R walked in and didn't even look at me. His first concern was whether that had 'sorted everything?' and his dealer turned round with a wicked smile on his repulsive face and said 'more than' then the two of them laughed. I just curled up on the bed and cried myself to sleep.
He beat me after that. Because I slept with another man. Then he threw me down a flight of stairs and kicked me in the stomach to make sure I wasn't pregnant by his dealer. I wasn't thank god.
I left him a couple of years later when I'd built up the mental and physical strength. That was 10 years ago. He moved away and I put a mask on. I'm now a mum, and settled in my life with a good job. But I'm still haunted by what happened. I have the worst nightmares and anything can trigger off a flashback. I recently found out that he's moved back down and is quite near to me. My mask has started to slip, the nightmares have become worse when I can finally fall asleep and I just feel consumed by this sadness. Everyday I seem to be remembering the abuse and its making me realise that even now, 10 years on I still haven't dealt with it. I don't even know where to start.