|I worked with Jose at the boardwalk, thatís where we met. I was fifteen when we started dating. I became a little rebel because of him. Since he was older I thought it was cool to stay out late or not come home until the next day. I got in trouble a lot because of him. My Mom didnít approve of him so I wasnít allowed to see him. I did anyway behind her back. We dated on and off my whole four years in high school. He always cheated I always left him and he would stalk me at school, pass by my house. He even knew which way I walked home from school. I shouldíve seen that as a sign of I should get the fuck away from him. But I didnít because I cared about him a lot. Where ever I was or if I needed a ride he would find a way to pick me up. I saw him as my protector. He was very possessive over me. He didnít want anyone else to have me but him.
When I was seventeen, thatís when my terrible incident occurred. I was at a party with some friends and needed a ride home. So I called Jose. I was already drunk. He came and picked me up and as we were getting closer to my house he asked me if I wanted to go home or hangout with him. So I said I would hang out with him for a bit. He started driving towards what it looked like the boonies. Where nobody could hear you if you yelled as loud as you could. I thought nothing of it of course because I was with him. We started making out, laughing, and fooling around. Letís not forget Iíve never gone further than just fooling around with a guy. Iíve never had sex.
Randomly after we stopped making out Jose turns me around and locks my hands as he un- button my pants and shoved his hand down my pants I told him to stop. He then opens up the door drags me out of the car and throws me on the ground. I started kicking him screaming to stop and he just pulled my pants off and forced himself onto me. He told me to be quiet. I started crying. How could he do this to me? After he was done he walked towards the car left me lying on the ground. I put my pant backs on and my shoes and walked back towards the car. I thought he was just going to leave me there. As I got to the car on the driver side door I had my head down. I pushed him out of the way to get in the car. And he asked me to look at him. And I said what?! I then started balling and how could he do this to me. He couldnít even evaluate what had just happened.
Since this happened I was numb. I didnít know how to react. How could someone I thought loved me do this to me? He was my perfect guy in my eyes up until this moment. After this happened I didnít tell anyone. I was scared. I didnít think anyone would believe me. He still tried coming around apologizing to me. Saying he was sorry he didnít believe I was a virgin. I still loved him in some weird way. But nothing was ever the same. I couldnít let him touch me or get his hands near me. I was a nervous wreck.
He then made these proposals to me that he wants me to be the mother of his kids. He doesnít see himself with anyone else. He wants us to move to his moms house which she lived an hour away from where I lived. So that meant I had to leave home. He also said that we should forget about everyone else and runaway together. I was only seventeen! I wasnít ready to have kids let alone have sex with him after what he did. He always told me I would never be comfortable until we did it. I thought, no I would ever be comfortable with you for what you did! I always analyzed things in my head. I canít break my momís heart and just leave not telling her where I was going. I canít put my family in that situation. In my heart I knew this wasnít right. As much as I still cared for him I told him no. I canít do this to my family. I find out he gets a girl pregnant and to top it off his baby was born on my 18th birthday!
Until I turned 20, I started feeling depressed. Like I meant nothing to the world. I kept my secret bottled up for so long that I cried at random times and I wouldnít know why. I would just cry as if I was mourning a death. A death to my soul. My mom would ask me mija whatís wrong? I would just tell her nothing. And till this day I have yet to tell my mom what happened to me. Iím 21 years old now and at times I feel hopeless. Jose still stalks me to this day. And I cry at random times wondering when will he ever let me live a normal life. Iíve already faced my demons inside. I can control my emotions but what I pray for is for him to let me live. And he doesnít do that.
Message from Sitemistress: Hi Cin,
I'm so sorry that you were raped, and the stalking that is hampering you from healing is absolutely unacceptable. It sounds like your mother is very caring but you may not yet be ready to tell her. However, I do recommend that you tell somebody; you may want to start with a rape crisis counsellor. You deserve support, Cin - please also know that you can reach out to other survivors at Pandora's Aquarium.
I can understand feeling hopeless, but please get support - if you do, I can promise you that you will feel better. xx