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Survivor's Name: |
Devin
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| Survivor's Story: |
When I met him I was 31, a fulltime teacher and grad student and was very busy. I was and am establishing myself, but I guess a hot mess on the inside. He was younger than I, but he was mature and intelligent for his age. We had a nice connection on many levels, we talked about everything under the moon and I have good memories of snuggling and watching movies together. Our first summer together was spent at Coney Island, it was insane and glorious! That’s why this issue was and is so confusing, because there is so much that is beautiful about him and what we once were.
He quit his job two weeks after we were together and for many months I fronted the bills, which I could not afford- and was stupid of me. But he was educated and promised that this was temporary, so I went along with the situation. I came from a humble background and have always worked even for bad pay, he did not share this belief. Although he was lovely on many levels, he had a sense of entitlement that angers me to this day. And I believe not working made him more obsessed with sex and he didn’t understand why I was not always in the mood. He was always selfish sexually and increasingly became more sadistic. He always wanted me to perform oral sex on him and never gave it return. The more degrading the better in his eyes, he was turned on by me choking on it and manipulated me into finishing him off even after vomiting. He wanted me to lick his testicles and anus, even though I hated to lick his anus. He said that his ex-girlfriends wanted to please him, unlike me. When I was sick and refused to go down on him, he threatened to break up with me and I ended up doing it anyway. What makes me the most sick is that he wanted details of my sexual abuse that I don’t remember clearly ( 3-5 years old) and abused me again.
He raped me twice. The first time he raped me, he forced me to lick his testicles and anus, when I tried to run away he grabbed me by the hair and forced me down there and smacked me upside the head until I finished him off. The next day I confronted him on it and he blamed it on the alcohol. He promised to never do it again and urged me not to say anything to anyone. The second time was worse. The forced oral sex was repeated, but then he raped me anally. I cried my eyes out and he stopped, but then started choking me, because he was angry that I didn’t get him off.
He went overseas and I kept contact with him for a little while. After speaking with one of my best friends about what happened, she encouraged me to cut him off completely, change my number and seek help. I did just that. The next day I took a day off work and went to the hospital to speak with a psychiatrist. I had to give the hospital staff all of my belongings and put green socks on. I waited with the others with green socks, some of them were stinky, but all of us were sick and sad. The environment was dismal but the first step I needed to take towards mental freedom. The first doctor was a man and I told my story. He asked me all the questions that men don’t understand. “Why didn’t you call the police, why did you stay?” “You must have no self-esteem” he said. I asserted that I’m an intelligent woman, who has accomplished a great deal, but I had never been in this situation and I just want to get better. The next doctor I spoke to was a woman and she was very helpful. I was diagnosed with PTSD and given anxiety medication and a day off of work.
I’m doing much better now and look forward to creating and maintaining a beautiful relationship with someone who loves me, I realize now that he never loved me. Even if he thought he did, you can’t treat another human like that and love them. And to men and doctors “F U”. I didn’t call the cops or leave the relationship right away, because I was completely confused, detached, and in shock. Men, until you get raped up the bum- don’t judge us!
I also take responsibility for my decisions and am aware that I opened the door to abuse, by forgetting my self-worth and lowering my standards. However, I didn’t deserve this and no woman does.
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WOMEN SHARE ACCOUNTS OF RAPE IN ADULT RELATIONSHIPS 