Aohrodite Wounded - Support for Women sexually assaulted by male partners and educational resources for professionals
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Survivor's Story: When I was 18 I got married to a lovely man called Matthew. he was 21 and loved everything I did. within 3 months we were pregnant and had a beautiful baby girl called Elyssa a week after our wedding anniversary. During our time together we were living with my parents and this put a lot of pressure on our relationship. three years after we married we were still living in the same house as my family and I decided to do something about it. I got a loan and applied for a house nearby to my mothers. I got a job and began working with a gorgeous lad called Lucas. He was the same age as my husband but seemed to give me all the attention that my husband hadn't. My husband was always distracted by his computer and never had his priorities right. One day I was invited to go out for a drink with a few friends from work, Lucas included. We all went to the cinema and to a local bar and stayed out until 4 am. in the pub we had all got very drunk and gone to watch a film in the cinema.

Whilst we was in there, Lucas tried to feel me up. I said no, then he tried to kiss me and I refused. I walked out and got a taxi home. he knew I was married. at work the next day he apologised for being so forward but because he had slept with a married woman before it didn't discourage him from doing it again. I was flattered but when I told my husband he didn't seem to be too phased by it, like he didn't think I was capable of cheating on him. we had never argued, in our 3 year marriage it had been an easy ride, he was a pushover and I hated it. for once I wanted him to fight for me, but he didn't.

The following week I went out again with people from work and this time I thought sod it and I kissed Lucas. I felt free for the first time in ages. We stayed out til 6am and when I got back in my husband wasn't even bothered I had been out so late. The next day Lucas phoned me and told me he had broken off his relationship with his girlfriend of 4 years and wanted us to be together. Stupidly I agreed to meet him and he encouraged me to leave my husband and said that he could provide for me in a way my husband never had. I should have known he would be wrong for me by the way he manipulated me to leave Matthew. That night I asked my husband to leave and he went and stayed with a friend.

After 2 weeks of being with Lucas I agreed to let him see my daughter, by this time she was 18 months old. she seemed to really like him and he spoiled her with presents and love, or so I thought.

About 5 months into the relationship we decided to go away for the weekend to the coast. I had to pay for the trip as a week into our relationship he had quit his job and hadn't bothered to get another one. One night, we went out and he wanted to go to a strip club. I was offended by this as I believed that it was degrading as he wanted me to come and watch him ogle over other women. I called him a pervert and he slapped me in the face. this was the first instance of abuse. I should have left him then, but I was too afraid what my family would think. I was so ashamed of leaving my husband for a violent man.

About a month later, he had been begging me to have a baby with him as he had lost a baby to a previous girlfriend and was desperate to have another one. I refused as I wasn't ready to have any more children. I wasn't on the pill but we had been using condoms. I had been to pick him up from his house and he had started a discussion with me asking, begging me to reconsider, and just to shut him up I said I would think about it. No one was in at my house as my dad was at work and my mum had taken Elyssa out to friends for the evening. When we got to my room, where we spent most of the time watching TV, he asked me for a blow job and I refused, he begged me on all 4's to give him a blow job and after a lot of nagging I gave in. He then began thrusting his penis into my throat hurting me and making me gip. I begged him to stop but he just carried on deep throating me until he came. I was in tears and I couldn't breath properly. I had a really bad headache and I ran down to the bathroom and vomited. He followed me and encouraged me to come back to the bedroom, that he had got carried away and was sorry.

Then he forced me to have sex with him. he forced his hand into my vagina and used KY jelly to make sure I was wet. I was in excruciating pain but he didn't stop. He slapped me when I refused to kiss him, he forced me to have anal sex with him and made me bleed. There was blood running down my legs and he still didn't stop.

He only stopped when I bit him, not before coming in me, impregnating me as he had cut holes in the condom I had insisted him wearing. When I discovered I was with child, I tried to keep it a secret from him, I told my so called best friend and she told him. I had not told her what he had done, I was so ashamed I had let someone I loved do that to me.

I wanted to have an abortion but he told me that if I killed his child he would kill me and my daughter too. He would burn us in our sleep. He forced me to move in with him playing the nice boyfriend to my parents saying he wanted to make a real woman out of me by living with me and getting a job to pay for our child. I wanted to tell someone. How could I leave him. no one would believe that someone who was so kind to everyone, who had no anger in front of people, had raped his girlfriend and made her keep his baby.

As the months went on I became ill with the pregnancy and found it hard to look after my daughter so he stepped in, that's when she started to have nightmares. he would yell at her on a regular basis and loved to punch me in front of her. He was forever trying to kill our baby, punching me in the stomach but somehow he survived.

When I was 6 months pregnant I finally found the courage to leave him. We had been evicted from our house and I had to move back to my mums with my daughter. He threatened me and said that if I didn't get another house with him straight away he would throw me down the stairs and make our baby suffer. I was scared but I ignored him and left. it was like he was in shock that I had stood up to him and he let me go. Although for the last few months of my pregnancy all he did was threaten and bully me to get back with him, but I moved, cut off contact and changed my number.

When I gave birth my mum was there and it was wonderful, for the first time I wasn't depressed, I was happy. if I hadn't of been raped I wouldn't have my son.

3 weeks after he was born my friend gave my number to Lucas and told him he was born. I fell out with her. Lucas phoned me, but he seemed different, calmer. He said he had been to counselling for his anger and he was better and was sorry and wanted to see my son. I agreed to meet up with him without the baby to see if he had really changed and was astonished when I saw a well groomed handsome man. he really had changed and was happy. I agreed to let him see the baby and began to forget what he had done to me. I started to repress all the things he had done and never told a soul. The only thing that knew was my diary that I had kept throughout the whole of our relationship.

As the weeks went on, my son was 3 months old and Lucas made a pass at me. he told me I was beautiful, that he loved me, that no one else would want me because of my baby fat and because I had 2 kids to two dads, but he did. he manipulated me and made me get back with him. A couple of weeks after that we went to a party of my sisters and stayed in a hotel. my kids were there and so were my parents. late on my parents took the kids back to their room and we went back to our room. he was very drunk and we started to have sex. By this time I had forgotten everything that he had done and I was reminded by the way he spoke. He was mid thrust when he suddenly stopped, looked at me like he hated me and got off my and sat at the end of the bed. I got up and repeatedly asked him what was wrong, with no response. He looked blank, like there was no one in there and just stared into space. I got freaked out and turned on the big light and he then looked at me. He said I wanted to do it to you again and then went and laid on a different bed.

I was so scared I didn't sleep that night. he fell asleep soon after and when he woke up the next morning he acted like nothing had happened. When I asked him why he said that he slapped me in the face and said if I mentioned it again, because he said I was lying, he would kill me and my little bitch. (my daughter)

I was in hell. I had got out once but how could I get out again?

I still had not told anyone what he had done and still couldn't find the courage. A few months later he became ill and I saw my way out. I was moving house and didn't tell him my new address, he went into hospital and I told him I wasn't taking it any more. There was nothing he could do but I agreed to let him see my son supervised. He agreed and I let him see him a couple of times. oOe day when I was moving my things, his mother volunteered to look after my kids for an hour while I got some stuff sorted. I got a phone call less than an hour after from Lucas saying come and get your fucking daughter now she has got shit all over the place. I was scared for her, worried that he would do something to her and rushed to his house. His mother had gone to work, it was just a ploy for him to have my kids alone.

Elyssa was covered in dog poo and was screaming don't let him near me. She was hysterical and my 7 month old son was also hysterical. I took my friend into the house to collect the kids and didn't wait for an explanation. Elyssa told me that he had made her go outside and play in next doors garden which was covered in dog poo and near a main road. She was just 3 years old at the time. She could have been killed or got a disease from the dog poo. My son and daughter both suffered nightmares after this for almost a year and I stopped him seeing my son. He has now took me to court and is applying for access. It has been a year since my son has seen him and has bonded with my new partner of almost a year. He calls him daddy, as does my daughter. we have just had another child together who is 3 weeks old. we moved away, 70 miles away from Lucas, but I'm so scared because I think he will do anything to get my son back.

Please give me the courage as I have to go to court and tell them how he raped and abused me, although I have no evidence, I don't want him to win and get away with it which he will if they don't believe me.
Submitted November 21 , 2010 6 : 03 am

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