As a survivor of Intimate Partner Sexual Assault and as an advocate for other survivors of the same, I've noted that counsellors and services that are truly conversant with this issue can be notoriously hard for women to find. The problem sometimes is that services do not specifically mention IPSA and demonstrate that they will give assistance to survivors. Survivors themselves are often confused about what happened to them; they cannot break the silence and their silence is fostered through lack of outreach and clear identification of IPSV by services. On the other hand, a woman who knows or suspects that her partner has sexually assaulted her, may feel that the lack of identification and help offered by services means that what happened to her is perhaps not worth seeking help for. That is a chilling and desperately lonely feeling, especially when one sees services specifically mentioning other types of sexual assault or domestic violence.
However, what I find a great deal of the time is that women who want therapeutic help with IPSA don't know whom to turn to or what responses they'll get. Quite often, it is a priority to talk about the rapes to somebody - or at least know that somebody is there should they wish to talk about it.
.I have thus created databases so that women can read about services that offer help with IPSA, and can choose to avail themselves if they wish. If you are a counsellor or you work with an organisation that offers help with IPSA, you have a chance to provide some outreach to survivors through through this site. You can do so by putting information about your service into the relevant database below. It is an international database that I hope will grow so that IPSA survivors can access your valuable service.
Important: Before you put information into the database of your choice please see this section.
IPSA Survivor-Friendly Considerations for Counsellors and Organizations
For some services and counsellors, the considerations set out below for your perusal will be superfluous and self-evident - indeed, I have invited services to participate whom I already know do great work for and with survivors iof IPSA. However, the considerations are necessary because they are based on problematic issues many survivors of IPSA have had when help-seeking. You may have heard some of your own horror stories, and you'll know that it's an unfortunate reality that women have faced such situations as being bounced between sexual assault and domestic violence services because neither service feels equipped to take ownership of the problem (and consequently the survivor feels as if nobody cares that she was raped); counsellors have colluded with abusers in couples counselling settings calling sexual violence a "family dysfunction" and using blaming terminology such as "codependent."; pastoral counsellors tell victims of marital rape to "pray" or "submit,
" psychiatrists patronize survivors, labeling them "masochists", or service providers simply don't understand, to the end that women feel unsafe about seeking help again. For my part, I think I've heard it all, and it's such a shame because it can take so much for a survivor to screw up her courage and seek help for this painful issue to begin with!
Fortunately, some survivors of IPSA have also had very favourable experiences with service providers. I do have partner rape survivors tell me that their rape crisis or other counsellor is "fantastic", by which they mean empowering, empathic, validating (that one seems to be extremely important) and able to aid their passage to safety, healing and the reduction of symptoms of the trauma they've experienced. These counsellors believe women and support them in believing in themselves.
So, while I do not want to "grill" participants in the database project, I ask you to peruse the considerations below so that we can all ensure that`services in the database are free of pitfalls like those just described. These points are far from exhaustive, but some of them are of central importance. By looking through them before you put information in a database, you will demonstrate to a survivor that your service is safe and useful for her. Please also feel free to contact me with any considerations you think need adding, or any other questions or suggestions you may have.
For further reading, you may also like to download and read the WCSAP IPSV Train-the-Trainer Curriculum - and you'll also find more professional resources on this page.
Now, click a link below to jump to the set of considerations most appropriate for you and your service:
Considerations for Sexual Assault Services
Your Service:
- Understands that IPSA is not "either" domestic violence "or" sexual assault, but is "both-and"?
- Understands that IPSA is one of the most common forms of sexual assault, and entails the highest levels of physical injury and repeated rape?
- Understands that IPSA is as serious and traumatic as other forms of sexual assault and does not minimise it in any way?
- Understands that IPSA happens in relationships not always characterized by other forms of abuse?
- Understands that IPSA may carry some different and quite complex psychological and physical issues in comparison to other types of sexual violence?
- Is conversant with what the different issues of IPSA may be?
- Understands that IPSA survivors raped by violent men often fear in the same way as other survivors that they will be killed?
- Understands that perpetrators of partner rape and battery are more potentially lethal than perpetrators of battery alone, and can refer and support appropriately to get life-threatening issues addressed?
- Has a multicultural understanding of IPSA?
- Understands that filing partner rape under the heading of domestic violence can leave the impact of rape untreated and be seriously detrimental to a survivor?
- Understands that survivors of IPSA can have emotional bonds to perpetrators not usually found in other types of sexual assault?
- Where a client needs other assistance - such as shelter - gives supported referrals and follow-up rather than just telling her to "Call a DV service?"
- Believes that even if a survivor is remaining with a perpetrator, she still has the right to access help from sexual assault services?
- Respects that the survivor's relationship may have been mutidimensional and understands that she may want to talk about the good parts of her partner, but can still affirm to her sexual assault is never okay?
- Understands that a woman disclosing IPSA by a partner she loves may feel as if she's betraying him, and can reframe this in a context of her right to healing and safety?
- Recognises the importance of clearly naming IPSA as sexual assault, yet understands this can be distressing and has support strategies in place?
- Is completely confidential (excepting if a client is a danger to herself or others, or minors are being harmed)?
- Seeks advice from a domestic violence service before notifying Child Welfare services about minors and domestic violence?
Thank you for reading these considerations. If you know that your service is IPSA Survivor-Friendly, please click here to go to the Sexual Assault Services database and enter your information.
Considerations for Domestic Violence Services
Your Service:
- Understands that IPSA is not "either" domestic violence "or" sexual assault, but is "both-and"?
- Asks about IPSA and explains what it is as part of service intake, following up with appropriate assistance?
- Understands that IPSA is one of the most common forms of sexual assault, and entails the highest levels of physical injury and repeated rape?
- Does not assume that because a woman does not talk about IPSA, it hasn't happened?
- Understands that the co-occurrence of IPSA with battery is statistically more potentially lethal than battery alone?
- Understands that IPSA is as serious and traumatic as other forms of sexual and domestic assault and does not minimise it in any way?
- Understands that IPSA happens in relationships not always characterized by other forms of abuse?
- Understands that IPSA has unique psychological issues to other domestic violence, and does not view IPSA as just another form of abuse?
- Is conversant with what the different issues of IPSA may be?
- Understands that the sexual assault may be important to a survivor for addressing in itself even if there has been other violence, and that filing it simply under the heading of domestic violence can leave the impact of rape untreated?
- Has staff trained in dealing with sexual assault as well as other types of domestic violence?
- If there are no sexual assault trained staff, does this service liaise with sexual assault services and give supported referrals and follow-up rather than telling her to "call a rape crisis service?"
- Facilitates discussion of IPSA a part of support groups?
- Believes that even if a survivor is remaining with a perpetrator, she still has the right to access help from sexual assault services?
- Has a multicultural understanding of IPSA?
- Recognises the importance of clearly naming IPSA as sexual assault, yet understands this can be distressing and has support strategies in place?
- Can empower a survivor of IPSA to see and value her strengths?
- Is completely confidential (excepting if a client is a danger to herself or others, or minors are being harmed)?
Thank you for reading these considerations. If you know that your service is IPSA Survivor-Friendly, please click here to go to the Domestic Violence Services database and enter your information.
Considerations for Faith-Based Services
(May be an Organization or Pastoral Counsellor):
Your Service:
- Is staffed by people with relevant qualifications for working with sexual assault, domestic violence and related trauma?
- If not equipped to deal with sexual assault, will refer and support to services that are so she gets the help she needs?
- Understands that partner rape is against the law?
- Understands that IPSA is as serious and traumatic as other forms of sexual assault and does not minimise it in any way?
- Understands that IPSA happens in relationships not always characterized by other forms of abuse?
- Understands that IPSA is one of the most common forms of sexual assault, and entails the highest levels of physical injury and repeated rape?
- Does not confront the perpetrator about IPSA or other violence a female parishioner discloses; understands that this can be extremely dangerous?
- Does not believe that women often lie about sexual assault?
- Understands that IPSA may carry some different psychological and physical issues to other types of domestic and sexual violence and is important in itself?
- Understands that sexual assault may be other than very violent i.e. sex using verbal coercion is also sexual assault?
- Avoids dangerously simplistic advice to abused women such as "Read the Bible","Submit" or "It's God's will that you stay"?
- Asks sensitive but articulate questions about IPSA when confronted with domestic violence?
- Believes that sexual assault is the responsibility of the perpetrator and does not suggest that it is a woman's "sin" causing it?
- Places the value of women's safety over saving marriages; understands that sexual assault is a covenant-breaker and does not make blanket statements about divorce being a "sin"?
- Refuses to act as character witness for an abuser in court becase he has "converted" or changed his behaviour for five minutes?
- Avoids blaming language such as "Why do you stay" or "What did you do to make him rape you?"
- Is conversant with possibly concurrent survivor issues such as PTSD or substance abuse?
- Recognises the importance of clearly naming IPSA as sexual assault, yet understands this can be distressing and has support strategies in place?
- Liaises with other community organizations useful for survivors of sexual assault and domestic abuse?
- Is completely confidential (excepting if a client is a danger to herself or others, or minors are being harmed)?
- Understands that joint marriage or couples counselling can further endanger abused women?
- Is skeptical of abusers who profess conversion without undergoing lengthy treatment and absent other signs of change?
- Understands that more than prayer or conversion is needed if a perpetrator is to change abusive patterns?
- Avoids pressure about forgiving abusers and does not label emotions such as anger "sinful"?
Thank you for reading these considerations. If you know that your service is IPSA Survivor-Friendly, please click here go to the Faith-based services database and enter your information.
Considerations for Individual Counsellors / Therapists
(You may have a generalist or other specialization practice and come into contact with survivors of IPSA)
You:
- Understand that IPSA is one of the most common forms of sexual assault, and entails the highest levels of physical injury and repeated rape?
- Have relevant qualifications for working with sexual and domestic violence -related trauma?
- Can demonstrate real empathy with these issues?
- Are comfortable hearing about sexual assault and recognise that talking about it in a safe environment can be healing for a client?
- Do not believe that women often lie about sexual assault?
- Have adequate experience working with sexual assault, domestic violence and pursuant trauma/issues?
- Respect that the survivor's relationship may have been mutidimensional and understand that she may want to talk about the good parts of her partner, but can still affirm to her sexual assault is never okay?
- Understand that IPSA is as serious and traumatic as other forms of sexual assault?
- Do not minimize IPSA as, for example, a "misunderstanding"or the product of too much alcohol?
- Understand that survivors themselves often minimise, deny, rationalise or excuse IPSA, and that while you want to resepct where your client is at, it is ultimately harmful to join her in these survival tricks?
- Understand that IPSA happens in relationships not always characterized by other forms of abuse?
- Respect an abused client's right to control her own life?
- Avoid blanket policies about the sharing of traumatic experiences i.e. rather than believing it is never helpful for any client to discuss them, you can discern between clients who can benefit from sharing about sexual assault in a supportive environment, and those for whom it is likely to exacerbate existing problems and who need to be assisted in functioning before delving into traumatic issues? Also, you are aware that some counsellors have such blanket policies because it's actually themselves who are uncomfortable hearing about sexual trauma?
- Believe that helping is about treating an person's responses to trauma BUT you can do this without discounting the trauma itself?
- Understand that IPSA may carry some different psychological and physical issues to other types of domestic and sexual violence and is important in itself?
- Understand that sexual assault may be other than very violent i.e. sex using verbal coercion is also sexual assault?
- Ask sensitive but articulate questions about IPSA when confronted with domestic violence?
- Believe that sexual assault is the responsibility of the perpetrator?
- Avoid blaming language such as "Why do you stay?"
- Can respect a woman's timing in terms of leaving an abuser, encouraging her to put her safety first but without pushing her?
- Understand that even if a woman still loves the perpetrator or is remaining with him, this does not mean the sexual assault has not harmed her?
- Do not engage in maternal blame toward mothers in violent situations i.e. "have you thought about what this is doing to your kids?"; rather, you can appropriately express concern for the impact of abuse on children, understanding that she loves her children and shares that concern, and that it most often isn't as simple as just taking the kids and getting out?
- Are conversant with possibly concurrent survivor issues such as PTSD or substance abuse?
- Recognise the importance of clearly naming IPSA as sexual assault, yet understands this can be distressing and has support strategies in place?
- Have knowledge of networks of other community organisations useful for survivors of sexual assault and domestic abuse?
- Teat what cilents tell you as completely confidential (excepting if a client is a danger to herself or others, or minors are being harmed)?
- Understand that joint marriage or couples counselling can further endanger abused women?
- Understand that IPSA is something perpetrators often do to control and hurt their partners, rather than viewing it as a "relationship problem?"
- Do not accept at face-value or allow yourself to be manipulated by abusers who come into counselling with their partners and behave like saints?
Thank you for reading these considerations. If you know that your service is IPSA Survivor-Friendly, please click here to go to the Individual Counsellors database and enter your information.
Considerations for Mental Health and Other Related Services (i.e drug & alcohol, medical services etc).
Your Service:
- Understands that many women seeking mental health treatment have a history of sexual assault or domestic violence?
- Is empathic to these issues?
- Ask sensitive but articulate questions about IPSA when confronted with domestic violence?
- Does not stigmatise abused women with mental health issues as "weak" or other?
- Understands that IPSA is as serious and traumatic as other forms of sexual and domestic assault and does not minimise it in any way?
- Does not subscribe to outmoded and sexist psychiatric judgments i.e. "Frigid and withholding women are secretly encouraging their partners to rape them"?
- Does not engage in maternal blame toward mothers in violent situations i.e. "have you thought about what this is doing to your kids?"; rather, you can appropriately express concern for the impact of abuse on children, understanding that she loves her children and shares that concern, and that it most often isn't as simple as just taking the kids and getting out?
- Does not further abuse women seeking help with controlling or punitive sanctions?
- Does not believe women often lie about sexual assault to attention-seek or other?
- Does not subscribe to rape or domestic violence myths - i.e. "Some women ask for it?"
- Avoids blaming terminology such as "masochism"?
- Understands that IPSA happens in relationships not always characterized by other forms of abuse?
- Understands that the sexual assault may be important to a survivor for addressing in itself even if there has been other violence?
- Does not condescend to or negatively label women who may be suffering mental-health affects of IPSA and/or other violence?
- Is not disdainful of sexual and domestic violence counselling; recognises that these services can be important adjuncts to mental health care?
- Refers when needed to domestic violence or sexual assault services?
- Empowers survivors by giving compassionate treatment for mental health issues and respecting their right to control their own lives?
- Is completely confidential (excepting if a client is a danger to herself or others, or minors are being harmed)?
Thank you for reading these considerations. If you know that your service is IPSA Survivor-Friendly, please click here to go to the Sexual Assault Services database and enter your information.
For Survivors of Intimate Partner Sexual Assault Looking for Professional Help
Below, you will find links to databases of counsellors and services that have designated themsleves as IPSA Survivor- Friendly services. The information above that I have sought from services and counsellors is an attempt to establish that the service will be safe and helpful for you. However, I cannot vouch for any service in the database and you are still encouraged to check any service or counsellor out further to see if it's right for you. Importantly, nor do I wish to be alarmist and imply that any service or counsellor not listed here is no good - there are several fine ones out there (don't forget to see this page on choosing a therapist.). What the database is concerned with is giving you information about services known to be sensitive to IPSA. If you are frightened about responses you'll get, unsure about who can or will help you or you've already had bad experiences, this knoweldge will hopefully come as a relief.
Please note that if you are in crisis now you are very much encouraged to make use of the services on this page.
.I wish you the best support, which is what you deserve.
Counsellors and Organisations Databases
Counsellors/Organisations please click "Enter information" next to the most relevant database to give information about your service. Please feel free to fill in more than one if relevant - for example you may work in a sexual assault service but also have a private practice. Also, please feel free to give information about any helpful service you know of.
IPSA survivors, please click "View Services" next to the database most relevant to your need.
IPSA Survivors Share about Positve and Negative experiences with service providers
Here is a database of experiences with service providers from survivors of IPSA. Please feel free to read them or add your own.
My gratitude to the services who have responded and are filling the databases! Wonderful! Keep it coming won't you?
