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Definitions of Sexual Assault
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I have included this page because women sexually assaulted by partners are often confused about how to define their experience/s. Many women fear naming-it can be very frightening -the pain of being sexually assaulted is bad enough, but when it is done by somebody whom you love or trust can be a very deep, intimate hurt.
You may also be confused because you have internalized what you've heard about rape by boyfriends or husbands not being considered real rape. Some women will experience pain as they recognize themselves in the following list. I would suggest that you engage the support you deserve(please go here for contacts)
You have a right for your sexual abuse to be seen with the same gravity as anybody else's. Please try not to listen to anyone who might devalue your pain. I also extend the possibility that recognition and naming, though initially frightening, has the potential to ultimately heal and strengthen. However, please bear in mind that even if you feel unable to give your experience the name of rape/sexual assault, you still deserve support - counsellors and other survivors do understand why naming can be painful, and will not push you to give what happened to you a name. Rape is: Forcible penetration of your vagina or anus with finger, penis or object. It is also forced oral contact on his genitals or by him on yours. Note: Researchers have commented on the frequent incidence of anal and oral rape in sexual violence by partners. It's thought that this may be an especial means of degradation or hurting, especially if the man knows his partner finds the idea unpleasant (1,2). Many rape survivors feel extra shame around anal rape. But there is nothing to be ashamed of; it is something he did to hurt you. Rape may also involve forcing you to engage in sexual acts with an animal, or setting you up for gang-rape. (You might like to go here to see an article by a survivor of gang-rape whose partner was the instigator). Sexual Assault is: Any unwanted sexual touching i.e. forced kissing, handling of your breasts or vagina, causing you to handle him; forcing you to view pornography.  "Force" may include physical means, threats or other coercion:
It is important that you realize you do not have to have physically fought or even said "no" for an act to be regarded as sexual assault. Tears or other expression of discomfort are more than reasonable indicators that you do not want the sexual activity. Often, sexually violent partners do not actually seek consent, or if you do say no, it is not taken any notice of.
Remember that submission is not the same as consent.
Sexual activity using emotionally distressing tactics of coercion such as sulking, becoming angry with you, withdrawing affection, withholding money or blackmail i.e. I'll leave you; I'll go and sleep with somebody else; I'll spread rumours about you". Finkelhor and Yllo call this type of rape 'interpersonal coercion' (3), and state that it has devaluing and traumatic effect on women (4).
Some people find calling this type of sexual coercion rape contentious. The basis of this is ususally that the coercion involved here is different than that involved in rape where physical violence has been committed or explicitly threatened. "She didn't say no" becomes the catchcry. But did she say "yes" and under what circumstances? In Australia it is now recognized legally that doing or saying nothing to indicate free agreement to sexual contact, may under law be recognized as "absence of consent". (Thanks to Dr. P. Easteal for informing me of this, and directing me towards further reading). Prosecution remains problematic, but it does mean that submitting, or silently laying there should no longer be taken for granted as consent. We There's a lot of talk about women being responsible for using their voices. Well sure. But once again, rape becomes about what the woman did or didn't do. It is just as correct and just as fair for someody to make sure real consent is present. The ideal of the "cad" who could use whatever means necessary to overcome resistance and get what he wanted and was slapped on the back for getting it instead of being confronted as a rapist will hopefully become a thing of the past.
The rules have changed and sexual partners need to show that they sought consent.
At the time of writing, similar reforms have been passed in the US, and most recently the UK. Such reform recognizes that submission does not equate consent and that women may be coerced in a number of non-violent but distressing ways. It addresses at least in part, the old and common assumption that men are entitled to use any means necessary to persuade or "seduce" a woman into sexual activity (5)
If a perpetrator has badgered a woman until she submits, he surely realizes that true consent is not present. Submission is not consent.
There are extremely demeaning and controlling forms of abuse that may or may not co-exist with criminal sexual assault. I call them sexual abuse as they are often based in the desire to control, own or degrade a partner, and are certainly experienced as abusive. These may include:
Denying reproductive choice to a partner. This would include denying access to contraceptive measures, or trickery such as putting a hole in the end of a condom before use.
1, 3, 4: Finkelhor, David and Yllo, Kersti, License to Rape: Sexual Abuse of Wives, The Free Press, New York (1985)
2: Russell, Diana E.H., Rape in Marriage, Indiana University Press, USA (1990)
5. McSherry, Bernadette, Balancing the Scales: Rape Law Reform & Australian Culture, Ed. Easteal, P., The Federation Press, NSW (1998) 
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