Aphrodite Wounded: Introduction

WHAT'S ON THIS PAGE?

Introduction | Your Pain is Real | What You'll Find Here | Cautionary Notes | Share Your Journey

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Partner Rape is Real Rape

"Men who abuse and rape their partners are men who seek to control others. In being abusive, they are not out of control; rather, they establish control "

~ Carol J. Adams ~

Although relationship rape is a form of domestic violence, information about partner rape itself has been limited., Yet partner rape, according to studies, is the most common and most ignored type of rape.. Rape by somebody you have been sexually intimate with is often not seen as 'real' rape. Society takes the dangerously limited view that 'real' rape happens in alleyways or parks, the rapist is a lunatic stranger, and the victim must be a virgin of impeccable reputation. Such attitudes are based on the premise that having given initial consent, a woman is not free to withdraw it. This makes wives and girlfriends 'unrapeable', and also permits sexual violence against them to continue.It is true that there are laws in most western countries which make rape in relationships a crime, but because of underlying attitudes about what is real rape, they are often ineffective.

Sometimes women raped by partners are themselves unable to name their experiences at the hands of partners as rape. When they can call it rape, they are often aware that there will be little validation for them, and this can make finding healing resources difficult. People can also tend to make negative and wrong inferences about a woman's intelligence or character if she stayed in the relationships - such people rarely understand the dynamics of violent relationships.

But partner rape is real rape.

It may happen once or many times.

It may involve coercive pressure or battery and torture.

It happens in very violent relationships, or in those that are otherwise respectful.

Women are raped by men they love.

People who might find this site helpful are:

Survivors of rape in marriage

Teen survivors of rape by boyfriends

Women raped by live-in partners or non-live in partners

Women raped by men with whom they had been having affairs.

Women raped by men who were ex any of the above

Survivors who are seeking to understand their experiences many years later

Any person who cares for survivors and is interested in knowing more about partner rape and its effects.

WHAT YOU'LL FIND HERE

.On this site, you'll find statistics about partner rape, information about healing, safety issues, seeking help and much much more. If you were raped by a current or past partner, you are not alone. Whether you are still in the relationship or are some years out of it, you may find something informative and validating on this site.

There are many survivor stories on this site. At least some of those women will have felt exactly as you do, and I hope you find the commonality comforting. You can read (or listen to) my story here.

If you are still living in the relationship with the partner who raped you, you will NOT be told that you have to leave. I'd like to stress that this site is also for women who are remaining, and there's a page you might like to read here. I hope that if you are still unsafe, you will be able to change that in the future, because you deserve so much more than to live with rape. Certainly, I provide hints on getting safe here. However, I know that women remain for many reasons, and it's not my job to tell you what to do; just to offer you support wherever you're at.

If you are interested on looking more deeply at partner rape and healing, please see my book here.

If you're unsure where to begin, why not have a look at the sitemap?

CAUTIONARY NOTES

Please be aware that some of the site content could be very triggering if you are a survivor. Please don't be afraid to engage support. If you need help right now, please see the Emergency Contacts listed on this site.

I am aware that naming and owning partner rape can seem to make it "more real" and that, while rewarding eventually, this can be extremely painful. It also can throw up implications if you are still living with the partner who assaulted you. If at anytime you start to feel overwhelmed, please seek support. Here are some hotlines. Other survivors can also support you at Pandora's Aquarium.

YOUR PAIN IS REAL

Where partner rape is acknowledged as having happened, it is often not seen as a 'real' trauma. Yet studies indicate that women can be severely traumatized for a long time after. Women raped by partners often face the prospect of ongoing contact with their rapists via school, shared children or other. Sometimes, they deeply and genuinely love the perpetrator, and struggle to come to terms with the magnitude of the betrayal. They balance this with fear of recurrence. Women being raped by their partners are also statistically more likely to be murdered by them (Bergen, R, Wife Rape: Understanding the Response of Survivors and Service Providers, Sage Publications, California, 1996) Please go here for more information on the effects of partner rape.

If you are a survivor of rape/sexual assault by an ex/partner, you probably don't need me or any study to tell you it hurts. Nevertheless, many survivors of partner rape know that a lot of people don't take it seriously, and like many survivors, you may have felt as if you're making a "mountain out of a molehill." Sometimes, when all we've heard is the mythology, we may buy into it ourselves and disregard our own truth. You may be some years out of the relationship and have found it hard to tell anybody. I hope that this site will validate your experiences and feelings - please remember that no matter how many times you returned, no matter if you still love him, you have the same right to support and healing as any other survivor of rape.

SHARE YOUR STORY

If you would like your story of sexual assault by a partner included on this site, please fill in the form on this page. You're also most welcome to email me poetry or artworks depicting your journey if you like. Hints on safety, and what has helped you heal would be wonderful too!

ABOUT MY BOOK

I am co-author with Dr. Patricia Easteal of the book

Real Rape Real Pain: Help for Women Sexually assaulted by male partners, which draws on the voices of 30 survivors of marital/partner rape from around the world. You'll find information about defining and naming partner rape, Post-traumatic stress disorder, healing, sexuality, future relationships, the legal process plus much more.You can go here to read more about the book.

ORDER ONLINE NOW - BIG AUTHOR DISCOUNT! CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION

SAFETY ONLINE

At the upper right of all main pages, you will see an "escape" button:

If you're in danger of being caught reading this site, hitting the button will take you straight to an "innocent" Google search page. Please also click here to see Women's Aid UK instructions for covering your tracks online. Stay safe.

Feel free to email me with feedback about this site and don't forget to sign my Guestbook

MESSAGEBOARD

Click the banner below to go to a thriving and supportive community for survivors of sexual assault.

This isn't a substitute for professional care, but is a terrific way of getting you some extra support from other survivors - many of whom are survivors of marital/partner rape. The board also has a safely-moderated chatroom I am also a moderator there :)

*You'll have to register before you can view or post in private forums*

I'd be very glad if you'd display a button on your site

You can link back if you wish but it's not strictly necessary.

Please save the button of your choice to your hard-drive and upload it to your site.

partner rape awareness button

Thanks for these gorgeous buttons is due the lovely Haullie Free of Voices of Strength