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RESEARCH TO IMPROVE SERVICE PROVISION FOR TRAUMA SURVIVORS
Your responses are needed. If you are interested in taking part, please go here for more information
 WHAT'S ON THIS PAGE?
"IPSA"="Intimate Partner Sexual Assault "
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Are you conducting research or writing a book / media article about Partner Rape?
Click here if you would like assistance from this site.
Partner Rape is Real Rape
"Men who abuse and rape their partners are men who seek to control others. In being abusive, they are not out of control; rather, they establish control "
Although sexual assault in relationships is a form of domestic violence, information about Intimate Partner Sexual Assault (IPSA) itself has been limited. Yet partner rape, according to studies, is the most common and most ignored type of rape.. Sexual assault by somebody you have been sexually intimate with is often not seen as 'real' rape. Society takes the dangerously limited view that 'real' rape happens in alleyways or parks, the rapist is a lunatic stranger, and the victim must be a virgin of impeccable reputation. Such attitudes are based on the premise that having given initial consent, a woman is not free to withdraw it. This makes wives and girlfriends 'unrapeable', and also permits sexual violence against them to continue.It is true that there are laws in most western countries which make rape in relationships a crime, but because of underlying attitudes about what is real rape, they are often ineffective. Sometimes women raped by partners are themselves unable to name their experiences at the hands of partners as rape. When they can call it rape, they are often aware that there will be little validation for them, and this can make finding healing resources difficult. People can also tend to make negative and wrong inferences about a woman's intelligence or character if she stayed in the relationships - such people rarely understand the dynamics of violent relationships.
But partner rape is real rape.
It may happen once or many times.
It may involve coercive pressure or battery and torture.
It happens in very violent relationships, or in those that are otherwise respectful.
Women are raped by men they love.
People who might find this site helpful are:
- Survivors of sexual assault in marriage
- Teen survivors of sexual assault by boyfriends
- Women sexually assaulted by live-in partners or non-live in partners
- Women sexually assaulted by men with whom they had been having affairs
- Women sexually assaulted by men who were ex any of the above
- Survivors who are seeking to understand their experiences of IPSA many years later
- Any person who cares for survivors and is interested in knowing more about IPSA and its effects.
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On this site, you'll find statistics about IPSA, information about healing, safety issues, seeking help and much much more. If you were sexually assaulted by a current or past partner, you are not alone. Whether you are still in the relationship or are some years out of it, you may find something informative and validating on this site.
There are many survivor stories on this site. At least some of those survivors will have felt exactly as you do, and I hope you find the commonality comforting. You can read (or listen to) my story here.
If you are still living in the relationship with the partner who raped you, you will NOT be told that you have to leave. I'd like to stress that this site is also for women who are remaining, and there's a page you might like to read here. I hope that if you are still unsafe, you will be able to change that in the future, because you deserve so much more than to live with rape. Certainly, I don't recommend remaining in a situation that is dangerous, and I provide hints on getting safe here. However, I know that women remain for many reasons, and it's not my job to tell you what to do; just to offer you support wherever you're at.
If you are interested on looking more deeply at IPSA and healing, please see my book here.
If you're unsure where to begin, why not have a look at the sitemap? |
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Please be aware that some of the site content could be very triggering if you are a survivor. Please don't be afraid to engage support. If you need help right now, please see the Emergency Contacts listed on this site.
With respect to triggers, I have had a correspondence indicating that the picture of Botticelli's Venus is a trigger (a naked woman). I and other site visitors find it healing and nurturing, but that doesn't mean everybody does. If this is the case for you, you should be able to find instructions in your browser options that lets you download text but conceals images.
I am aware that naming and owning IPSA can seem to make it "more real" and that, while rewarding eventually, this can be extremely painful. It also can throw up implications if you are still living with the partner who assaulted you. If at anytime you start to feel overwhelmed, please seek support. Here are some hotlines. Other survivors can also support you at Pandora's Aquarium. |
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Where IPSA/rape is acknowledged as having happened, it is often not seen as a 'real' trauma. Yet studies indicate that women can be severely traumatized for a long time after. Women raped by partners often face the prospect of ongoing contact with their rapists via school, shared children or other. Sometimes, they deeply and genuinely love the perpetrator, and struggle to come to terms with the magnitude of the betrayal. They balance this with fear of recurrence. Women being raped by their partners are also statistically more likely to be murdered by them (Bergen, R, Wife Rape: Understanding the Response of Survivors and Service Providers, Sage Publications, California, 1996) Please go here for more information on the effects of partner rape.
If you are a survivor of rape/sexual assault by an ex/partner, you probably don't need me or any study to tell you it hurts. Nevertheless, many survivors of IPSA know that a lot of people don't take it seriously, and like many survivors, you may have felt as if you're making a "mountain out of a molehill." Sometimes, when all we've heard is the mythology, we may buy into it ourselves and disregard our own truth. You may be some years out of the relationship and have found it hard to tell anybody. I hope that this site will validate your experiences and feelings - please remember that no matter how many times you returned, no matter if you still love him, you have the same right to support and healing as any other survivor of rape. |
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If you would like your story of sexual assault by a partner included on this site, please fill in the form on this page. You're also most welcome to send poetry depicting your journey if you like. Hints on safety, and what has helped you heal would be wonderful too! |
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I am co-author with Dr. Patricia Easteal of the book
Real Rape Real Pain: Help for Women Sexually assaulted by male partners, which draws on the voices of 30 survivors of IPSA from around the world. You'll find information about defining and naming partner rape, Post-traumatic stress disorder, healing, sexuality, future relationships, the legal process plus much more.You can go here to read more about the book.
ORDER ONLINE NOW - BIG AUTHOR DISCOUNT! CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION
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At the upper right of all pages, you will see an "escape" button:
If you're in danger of being caught reading this site, hitting the button will take you straight to an "innocent" Google search page. Please also click here to see instructions for covering your tracks online. Stay safe. |
RESEARCHERS, WRITERS & JOURNALISTS |
Are you conducting research into IPSA/ writing a book/ feature article? Are you looking for the perspectives of survivors? Great! The more that is known the better. I can post your research request on this site for survivors to respond to if they wish. I will usually be happy to speak to you myself too. If it's a media article, you'll just need to let me know what slant the article will take. Other things that would be good to know are whether respondents can be anonymous and what backing you have, if any, of a professional organization. Email me the request as you would like it posted, with any other information you consider to be relevant.
We also post research requests on Pandora's Aquarium survivor message board. Please see this page for what's required. |
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I am privileged to be a director of Pandora's Project , a non-profit organization hosting Pandora's Aquarium, a thriving and safe online messageboard for survivors of rape and sexual assault. What can Pandora's Aquarium offer to survivors of IPSA? If you need the support of other survivors who have shared your experiences and feelings, please see this article
For safety reasons, you must be 16 years old to join Pandora's Aquarium.
If you are a young teenager, please see this page and this page for resources.
Crisis lines for young people can also be found here.
.*You'll have to register before you can view or post in private forums* Please note that for safety purposes, you must make 5 posts before using the chatroom. |
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May 2010
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December 2009
Pandora's Project Founder and President the 2009 L'Oreal Paris Woman of Worth!
Our Pandora's Project founder, Shannon Lambert, was named the 2009 L'Oreal Woman of Worth! Thank you so much to Aphrodite Wounded vistors who voted, thus ensuring that work with survivors of sexual assauolt can continue. If you wouid like to see pics and press-release, please click here.
November 2009
Exciting News!
My Coauthor and friend Dr.Patricia Easteal has been named ACT Australian for the year! Read more here.
If you wish to congratulate Patricia, you can contact her here
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I'd be very glad if you'd display a button on your site
You can link back if you wish but it's not strictly necessary.
Please save the button of your choice to your hard-drive and upload it to your site.
Thanks for these gorgeous buttons is due the lovely Haullie Free of Voices of Strength (site no longer exists).
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