||I had just turned 20 years old, sophomore in college, still a virgin, and had ironically been dealing with some concerns about remaining a virgin forever. He was a friend of mine, eight years older, a military vet, a really, really good friend of mine, we hung out and shared music and had classes together, shot the shit, he was an awesome guy.
He'd always say offhanded things about how pretty I was, how he'd love to date me someday, when we were out of school and our lives settled a little, and I always laughed it off, because it was flattering, but I wasn't interested in him like that, and I told him so. It was all good.
We both got busy for a few months, I didn't see him much, but we caught up at a mutual friend's engagement party. He offered to drive me home (I didn't drive at the time) so we could chat in the car and catch up. He decided halfway through the drive that we should visit a friend of his, one I didn't know, and I didn't have anything to do the next day, so I said sure.
We got out of the car in their driveway and he kissed me suddenly. He'd never kissed me before. I was startled and confused so I pulled away and hid my face in a hug. He laughed at my nervousness, and I thought that was the end of it.
We hung out at his friend's place for hours and hours. They all got stoned, I declined. He said he was beginning to black out a little, and I got nervous. I wanted to leave, but it was late and I didn't actually know where I was, so I sucked it up and just dealt with it. He wound up being too stoned to drive, so his friend offered us the spare room to crash in.
It was a mattress and a sheet on the floor, so I did my best to get comfortable enough to sleep (still in my clothes). I kept my back to him, but he started to reach over and try to touch me. I pushed his hands away and said, jokingly "hands off, mister," so I wouldn't upset him but still made it clear I wasn't having it. And he laughed at my words and then turned over and went to sleep.
In the morning, I woke up and kept waiting for him to wake up so we could leave. It was weird being in a stranger's house and I wanted to shower. When he woke up, I think we talked briefly, with my back to him so my morning breath wouldn't offend him, and then he started trying to touch me again.
I pushed his hands away, and he was talking quietly to me about dirty things, and I was uncomfortable and scared and I didn't know what to do, so I don't think I said anything at all. But he didn't stop, even when I kept moving his hand, but I kept getting more and more nervous and afraid. He was bigger than me, he was my friend, would be be angry if I said no, would he stay my friend? He kept touching and talking and ignoring my body language, but (and I hate this part) my body started reacting and it felt good. I didn't want him to, I was scared, but I was kind of turned on. I didn't say anything because I didn't know what to do. He kept going until I finally just gave in. I was scared and confused and didn't know what to do, so I gave in. I was terrified. I remember it hurt so much, and I kept staring at how white and stark the walls were. I kept crying out in pain, and he just kept shushing me. I was embarrassed, I'm sure his friend heard us, and I just wanted it to be over. At least he listened when I demanded a condom.
We became fuck buddies for a few months after that. I told him how scared I was, and he said he knew, but he wanted to be my first time so it was a good experience. I thought that's how sexual relationships worked. I didn't know any better, I'd never had any sexual contact before him.
It took me a year to understand that what he did wasn't okay, and when I confronted him about it, he was furious and called me sex obsessed and crazy, that I wanted it, what the hell was I talking about. Now I know it's rape by coercion; I'm in trauma therapy because three years later it still haunts me and I'm still fighting not to blame myself. I just want it to go away and to not be confused anymore.