||Trigger warning: rape scene
Rape wasn't the worst thing that ever happend to me
It really wasnt. The worst time of my life was the period following it.
Yesterday I was overwhelmed by all of the posts in my facebook feed about rape. I didnt want to see that. But, I was compelled to read some articles. Because of those posts, I compelled to talk about when I was raped. A lot of people who are abused never say anything about it. I didnt realize for a long time that not talking about rape ruined a lot of my friendships. I dont like saying that Im a victim. Im not saying that rape ruined my life. What ruined a good year of my life, was my embarrassment to talk about it.
The story you want/ dont want to hear:
Freshman year in college I was dating the best guy in the world. He was the epitome of the strange, midwestern, pothead guy that seems to be my type. I loved him. I was a virgin at the time. And I wanted him to be the one.
Well he didnt want the responsibility.
He dumped me in an abrupt manner.
I was still a freshman. I was stupid and impressionable and even though I thought I understood guys and sex, I totally didnt.
So, after he broke up with I was a fucking mess. I was heartbroken and lonely in a new town full of privileged and socially-awkward strangers. I jumped on the first strange, stoner, liberal artist who showed interest in me.
A new he. He was quiet, so I thought he was nice. He was chill, so I thought he undestood me. I came on to him. He told me I was womanly.
We were already dating for a few months when he raped me. It wasnt the first time we had sex. He didnt threaten me. I would have willingly had sex with him if he had agreed to go to his bedroom. I didnt want to disrespect his mother by doing it in their library.
He pressured me into having sex with him. I said no, but I didnt struggle when he unzipped my pants. I held still while he pumped into me and I squeezed so it would end soon.
After, I forgave him.
I forgave him because I didnt want to explain to his mom why I ended the visit so soon. I didnt want to explain to my parents why I came home early. I forgave him because I was lonely and I wanted someone who wanted me.
I forgave him and we didnt have sex for a long time. Eventually, we did it again and he was sexually abusive. In newer, kinkier ways. But, he never did threaten me with violence. I did it because of his relentless asking for it. I kept thinking that I was his girlfriend, and that's what girlfriends do. Even if they dont want to.
I broke up with him in the end. Actually I told him that I needed a break. I said that maybe we could date again in the future. I took a year off from college right after that. I was miserable there and he was too suffocating to even live in the same town as.
I dont think people want to hear this story because its not what most people think sexual abuse is because he was my boyfriend and it was nonviolent. I didnt think it was for a long time. I still blame myself for taking it from him.
I didnt tell anyone about being abused for a long time because I never thought it was right to just talk about my sex life. I sort of wanted to protect him from judgement. And I didnt want people to pity me or think I was weak.
Ultimately, that was my biggest problem.
The worst time of my life:
In the year that I took a break from college I thought I was going to find myself again. I wouldnt be lonely because I already had family and friends in my home town.
I reconnected with a friend who I had a crush on, Eddy. Eddy is the best he. I, obviously being a lonely and sexually-confused person, started having sex with Eddy. Eddy was different than most guys. He was extremely attentive, sensitive, and he loved me from the beginning.
Basically, Eddy was instrumental in the healing process after I had become a depressed, anxiety-ridden, sexual abuse victim. He became my best friend. He could tell I had sex issues after a while of doing it together. I was able to open up to him. He had actually been sexually abused, too.
Well, that was wonderful and everything. But my group of friends didnt know what was going on with me. I was depressed, distant, and always hanging out with a guy. They asked, Why would I be hanging out with a new guy right after I broke up with one? Why did I choose guys over them? Why did I act so differently?
My best friend at the time took my behavior especially hard. She hated Eddy and my relationship with him. She thought he had used her in order to get to me. She talked shit to my other friends, and a group opinion was formed of me.
They didn't invite me to hang out as often as before. I got in a lot of fights with each person in the group. And none of them took my side when I tried talking about problems with the others. Im pretty sure they just got mad at me because they thought I didnt like them as much as I liked Eddy.
At the same time, my parents were talking about divorce. They were fighting about money a lot. My dad wanted my mom to work more, but my mom lost her will to work after I stopped going to school. On top of that, my mom loved my rapist ex-boyfriend and hated Eddy. And she didnt have a problem saying it.
That year was the worst of my life. I was so lonely and jaded. I went home because I wanted my relationships to go back to the way they were. And they all were turned upside down. I ended up with one super nice boyfriend who I resented for inadvertently ruining all my other friendships. I was lonelier than ever.
I dont blame my friends for the way they acted. I knew they werent the most supportive and sensitive friends before college. They wouldnt have been able to tell what happened just by my behavior. I should have said something. I think its really fucked that I kept this in for so long. And its fucked that so many people dont feel comfortable talking about sex and sexual abuse. So, whoever you are, I hope this makes you want to be more honest and talkative about sex. I was depressed for a long time, and a lot of it was my fault for staying silent.