||I have always had bad sexual experiences for as long as I can remember. Being molested by a family friend at 7 only to have my mother not believe me, my first boyfriend at 14 who was a drug addict and quite abusive...but nothing quite compared to the experience I had at 18.
I had just moved to a new town to be with my mother and younger siblings after a nasty break-up with my current boyfriend whom I had a rocky relationship of 2 years with.I was at a pretty vulnerable place in my life and very depressed.
And having no friends at the time I needed an outlet and bad.I started online chatting.I loved it, I could actually be myself for a change.And I made myself up a good reputation for being a great chatter to all those I use to chat with, and with this I met a certain person who would change my life forever.Jacob was quite funny online he had a peculiar sense of humour and I always enjoyed chatting with him.We had been speaking for 6 months quite happily, until I told him that I was meeting up with a guy I regular chat with also.He seemed quite displeased as he "apparently" liked me too. I felt quite awful that I perhaps led Jacob on into believing that I liked him also, as I did like him. But only as a friend, even online there was something fishy. I called off meeting with this other person Adam, and felt terrible for doing so.But I thought maybe I was leading people on. Iv always believed for most of my life that some unwanted sexual behaviour that was displayed to me by other people was always my fault,at the time I didn't really identify that but I thought it would be good just to call it off until I feel better about it.
Well things took a strange turn when I had Jacob txt me frantically telling me his step father bashed him and he was out on the street. He was incredibly distressed and said he needed help fast cause he thought if his father found him he would be dead. Jacob lived 8 hours from where I lived, I proposed with my mothers help that maybe he should move up here, but not in with us. There was a Van Park down the road, and we could help him out with food or anything that he may needed. Jacob seemed angry that he wasn't allowed to stay with me, I said that I knew him well but my family didn't and that this will have to do if he was really in need of help. He agreed to take the offer. And I was to meet him at the bus stop in 10 hours. So I did, the first meeting was very awkward, his behaviour was quite strange and I put it down to what he had been through.But I told him everything at the Van Park was set for him to move in. I took him there and showed him where he was to stay.
I was 3 houses away if he needed help. He wanted me to stay though he was really scared and confused, I agreed and we hung out and talked. I did most of the talking and I found his silence and glaring to be quite intimidating. It wasn't until he sat down on the bed beside me that I kinda realised what he was doing...
It was the most sickly feeling in my stomach I have ever felt. Half way through sex we kinda stopped we both didn't want to go through with it, which was so good, cause I couldn't keep feeling that way.
I went home in the morning not quite feeling myself, but I thought that maybe it was cause it was all new after my nasty break-up. But the next night it happened again, once again we both stopped. I so badly wanted to tell him that we shouldn't do this but he refused to talk to me afterwards,he seemed so aggressive. Nothing more of that happened until 2 days later,when he came to my house.He made a few uncalled for comments about my underwear draw and tried to initiate sex. That's when I told him that I didn't want to have sex and that I didn't think we should be in a relationship.
I started to have the feeling that things weren't adding up, and that maybe he wasn't here because of his step dad at all. He became very violent at my sex and relationship refusal, he punched the walls twice and screamed that I was a lying bitch and kicked the letter box outside the house. I was stunned, he disappeared for 10 minutes and came back to apologise, I said thanks for the apology but the violence was uncalled for he agreed and cried. I honestly thought he was sorry.
It was the next day that he came to me saying he had no money to keep paying for the van and that he was desperate. My mother agreed to allow him to live in the house providing he sorts out his life,pays rent and gets a job and move out as soon as he's set. He agreed and he moved it to the room next to mine downstairs. I had all downstairs to myself, whilst my mother,step father and siblings all lived upstairs. I showed him where he'd be moving and he wasn't impressed he got very aggressive towards me and wanted to live in my room with me. I said no, and he cried for ages, he asked then could he keep some items in my room cause he didn't want them getting wreaked in his room. I didn't have a problem with that but soon he was moving everything in including himself. It started with him wanting to sleep on my couch cause his room was to hot I said fine. But then he started climbing into bed with me and trying to fondle and kiss me. If I told him to leave he would say that I was leading him on and he wasn't leaving until I go out with him.I said I would think about it, he was then happy to leave my bed. Next morning he asked me if I wanted to be with him, I said no. He exploded, he was screaming that I was a bitch and that I lied to him and I had been cheating on him. And that the only way it was going to make him feel better is if I have sex with him. I refused and he started to hit himself and grit his teeth,I said I might if he stops doing that. Instantly he seemed to regain himself and seem happy about that, I said id think about it. He hassled me about it until I said I didn't want to. His violence arose once more and he started punching walls and growling, he said that I had made a deal that if I wasn't to go out with him then id have sex with him. I was devastated I thought I was so stupid to back myself into a corner and now I had to do it, I kept trying to reason with him, like if there could be anyway out of it. He said that if I'd go out with him, I had to choices I had to pick.
I started to speak with Adam again and I was feeling more warmer about meeting up with him, but I wouldn't dare let Jacob know, I was so afraid of what would happen, he may punish me with sex.
Every night it was the same, me trying to reason with him if there was anyway of letting me not have sex with him, by the end of most nights I was in tears and I just lay there while he did it, or he'd tell me to stop with the crying cause it was frustrating. He claimed that we were meant to be together so I should enjoy it too. Other times I would just feel empty or sick. I would just want to hide somewhere afterwards, but no chance of that happening either I was under constant scrutiny from Jacob. He had to know where I was,who I was talking to,the numbers to my job and that he was to pick me up and drop me off to and from work. And it was to be only him. In the car he would beg me to give him oral sex whilst he was driving, it was so horrible. Sometimes he'd say he was joking and then would id let my guard down "bang" he'd demand it. And he would always bring up the fact that we had a sex deal, and deals can't be broken.
He found out I was talking to Adam again and he just about lost it, one night in particular he attacked me in the shower. He broke the lock on the door(he was drunk,80% of the time he was drunk or drinking). And demanded sex and that we be together, I screamed for him to get out and he charged and pushed me to the ground of the shower and slapped my arm.Then he sat on the toilet and refused to leave, he was going to watch me shower and dress and I was to go to bed with him.
No words could explain the anxiety I would feel in these situations, or the constant fear in my stomach.Anything would set him off,and it would all go back to sex. How he wanted it, and how I had to do it. In all my life I have never felt so overpowered, my own father and step father were violent and abusive to my mother and I could clearly see that, then why couldn't I see that what he was doing was the same?
In the small instances of strength I had and stand up to him, he would tell me that I was insane. That he never meant to hurt me and that I had misinterpreted his affections...then why did I feel this way? The only feelings I felt then and there was complete manic and fear. When he realised I was serious about Adam he said he would stop, he just wanted to see me happy. I thought maybe this would be an escape, he could very well leave me alone? I thought wrong. He told me that if I didn't have sex with him he would tell Adam about our sexual relationship and that Adam wouldn't want me then. And that id have to continue it until he felt he could be over how I had jilted him for another man. Id try my hardest to avoid situations of being alone with him, id try to have people around me all the time, id even try to bribe my sisters to sleep in my bed with me so that hopefully he may avoid having sex with me, because of someone else's presence.
He then said that he didn't want to be with me anyways, and that he came to relies that I'm a woman and that I should be able to do what I want. But he said that I had to have sex with him one last time and then he would leave and stop with the violence...I believed him! I didn't realise that in that situation I was desperate to survive, he was suppose to get a job and move out, but instead he was stealing money from me and being violent.I started thinking in my head that maybe in his drunken states I could possibly smother him in his sleep, I honestly just wanted him to leave. This wasn't how it was suppose to be, I thought he was my friend. He always said it would be the last time we'd have sex, but he said I wasn't doing it good enough and that I would have to do it again. I was having terrible troubles sleeping at night and I had terrible anxiety problems and I felt myself become paranoid at what he may want me to do next.One night he was once again demanding sex and being typically violent and I just shouted at him NO! He was not impressed, he did the typical jaw clenching glare and squeezing his fists together, so I ran upstairs where he wouldn't dare inflict violence on me in front of my family. From the lounge room I saw him get in his car and drive away. I finally got to have my room back, only to find a suicide letter on my bed. He had always threatened it but this time he was serious, I cried so hard. I honestly thought if he'd kill himself the police would know I drove him to do it cause I wouldn't be with him. I finally showed my parents who couldn't believe it, they knew something had been going on but thought I could handle it on my own.
Mum said to wait 24 hours before contacting police, but she said I'd be fine he was just manipulating me. I hadn't told them what was going on, they were angry and I knew they would be angry that id "encouraged" him to have sex with me.
I so wanted him to die, I was hoping so hard that maybe he'd get hit my a car instead so I wouldn't get in trouble for making him want to kill himself. I just wanted him to leave me alone.
Next afternoon his car was parked out front of my work, I was waiting for my mother to pick me up. He told me to get in the car. I refused saying mum was coming. He demanded I get in the car, in fear of violence I did. Only to have my mother pull up and give him a piece of her mind. He sobbed like a baby, saying how he couldn't deal with all of this crap.
My mother believed he was just a lost soul, not some creep assaulting her daughter. I didn't know who to trust especially when it came to the biggest blow of all. Having nausea symptoms and being lethargic I didn't want to know the truth. I thought that if I took a pregnancy test thought and it turned out negative it would put peace of mind that it was just the stressful situation that was giving off symptoms. I was wrong, I was pregnant. If there was ever a time of me wishing so hard I would die it would be then. I remember punching my stomach over and over again. I was now ultimately his...he got me...he owned me. I told know one but my best friend who swore with her life she'd tell know one.
I didn't sleep for days, and I counted down the days he would leave, I planned out scenes in my head that id terminate the pregnancy or ill give birth in a dark alley way and drop it a church, please oh please god don't make me have sex with him again.A week after I found out I was pregnant my step-dad took action and kicked Jacob out. I didn't know weather to be scared or happy. Was it really the end? is it all over?. Sure enough he quite happily drove back to "his" home only to be happily accepted back in by his parents. I found out through his Jacobs mother that his step-dad wasn't abusing him at all, his step-dad simply kicked him out of the house for beating his mother.
I kept searching for answers why do I feel this way? is it really my fault? Jacob was deleted off my msn list, only to have him hack it and replace himself on it. I told him I was pregnant because I was so scared of the consequences if I didn't.I later got counselling and was told that I had been sexually assaulted it answered a lot of my questions but why do I feel like its all my fault and I didn't feel like I owned my own body anymore. Nothing felt right, I started cutting myself and taking nurofen hoping I would miss-carry. But nothing, Adam and I finally met up. I told him everything and he was very open minded. He told me he wanted to give bringing this child into the world a go. All through my pregnancy I had constant mental health issues,anxiety,paranoia,sleeplessness,and not maintaining my health. Id forget to eat, or id over eat. And Jacob continued to threaten my family with finding out where I was and having "his kid" as he called it.
I gave birth to a beautiful little girl who was born a healthy 8 pound 14 ounces and 54 cm long. I couldn't believe I was going to get rid of her. I held her and she just simply stared at me. And this is where the healing began, it was slow to begin with but I'm surviving quite well.
I'm still receiving threatening emails from Jacob even though I have changed several email addresses. Although past 2 months have been email free. I still live in constant fear of him returning or even him trying to claim mine and Adams little girl. I refuse to believe Jacob is the father, its the only way I can deal with the situation. I never went through with prosecuting as I still fear that its my fault and he would properly play on that.
I have become stronger in the knowledge of knowing what sexual assault really is, but my heart goes out to all those women and young girls who have children to abusers and the infant suffers because of the abusers affect on the mothers mental health. I have since been diagnosed with PND and PTSD.