Aohrodite Wounded - Support for Women sexually assaulted by male partners and educational resources for professionals
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My womb is not a football for you
~ Sinead O'Connor ~
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Survivor's Story: I have only told this story a few times (always with deep embarrassment) to get another person's opinion and try to figure out what exactly happened to me and why. I saw him years later on friendly terms, but never confronted him about this incident.

Raised by extremely controlling,dysfunctional parents and sent to all-girl's Catholic high school, I had never really had any contact with boys. I was all but isolated from family and society and had no idea how people lived or how to act or interact. After graduating, I was kept as a servant and never shown how to get a job or apply for college. All I would do was to pray and keep telling myself "this too shall pass".

A few years later, I met someone with whom I would have my first relationship and a 6 year domestic partnership. Compared to my parents, he seemed kind, affectionate, caring, safe. A perfect escape. Having never dated, I didn't recognize the red flag of someone just wanting you to come over to seduce you instead of going out and sharing interests. I was a virgin, he knew this, and we had clearly established limits that he had always respected.

He told me he intended marry me and would never treat me like a whore or even ask for oral sex. You can imagine how wonderful this made me feel! I certainly felt perfectly safe with him. One day, we were lying in bed kissing and we had gotten naked to feel close to each other. He insisted on putting on a condom out of consideration for me in case he had 'an accident'. I had no idea how severe the 'accident' would turn out to be.

We had had orgasms before, grinding against each other, and I had heard that this was how Elvis Presley had begun making love to Priscilla before they were married. I felt special and respected. Well, we were both getting very excited; I was wet and he was breathing hard when he suddenly shoved himself inside me and continued to pound me until he came. I instantly went into shock. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I couldn't even see.

I was simultaneously outside my body, observing; and deep within myself, noting how it felt to have a man's penis shoved repeatedly and with great force into delicate, untouched flesh. Time stood still, but it was probably only two minutes that passed. When he was done, I jumped up and ran to the bathroom to check myself and clean up the blood, trying to come to terms with suddenly loosing my virginity and under these circumstances.

Well versed in repressing my feelings, I decided to handle it rationally. I returned to the bedroom and calmly asked him if he realized what had just happened. He acted shocked and apologetic saying he had no idea he was inside me. He swore he thought he was just 'between my thighs'. He also told me that he, too, was a virgin (which I later found to be a lie) and didn't know what it felt like to be inside a woman. Of course, I needed to believe this and just swept this incident under the rug.

Having already begun, our 'sex life' continued much the same way: quick, boring, unconnected, without interest or effort to please me. With years of built up sexual tension and curiosity, I was happy just for the 'opportunity' to have sex and considered it my responsibility to learn how to enjoy it. I tolerated our less than satisfying relations chalking it up to my lack of experience. As years went by, he revealed himself, doing drugs, cheating on me, and attempting to beat me on a few occasions.

I am not him and can never know for sure what was going through is head when this happened: (planned, impulse, accident?)(Ok, I think we can safely rule out 'accident') At least now I can retell the story without shame or embarrassment knowing full well that what was done to me was wrong and it was not my fault.
Submitted November 21 , 2010 3 : 41 am

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