Aohrodite Wounded - Support for Women sexually assaulted by male partners and educational resources for professionals
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"A marriage license should not be viewed as a license for a husband to forcibly rape his wife with impunity."
~ Sol Wachtler~
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SURVIVORS SHARE ACCOUNTS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT AND RAPE IN MARRIAGE

Survivor's Name:

K

Survivor's Story: My story is nowhere near as bad as a lot of survivors. My rapist - my ex-husband - never threatened me, and never beat me. What he did was constantly disrespect me and ignore my needs, and coerce me into doing things I wasn't comfortable with. He only raped me once after I literally said, "No," but he badgered me into submission so many times I've lost count.

My ex-husband was a porn addict, a liar, a cheater, a deadbeat, and a rapist. I didn't know any of this when I married him. He hid it all from me. On our wedding night, only a couple of hours after the ceremony, he sat me down and told me that he'd cheated on me while we were dating. I was shell-shocked. I wish I had left him right then and there, but I felt so confused and couldn't really bring myself to accept the reality of what he was telling me. Then I blocked it out. I'd just committed to this man for the rest of my life, and now THIS? It was too painful for me to deal with.

A couple of weeks after his confession, I was trying to sleep and he wanted to have sex with me. I told him no and that I wanted to sleep, and he went ahead and started raping me from behind. When he did that, I froze. After a minute or so, I guess he realized that what he was doing was RAPE and stopped and said he was sorry. But you know, feeling sorry after the fact doesn't make you NOT A RAPIST.

Throughout the marriage, he never raped me again after a "no," but he was constantly, CONSTANTLY pressuring me to have sex with him. I never enjoyed it and I certainly never climaxed with him. While we were dating, I enjoyed it most of the time, but after I found out about the cheating I lost all sexual attraction for him I guess. Not to mention the actual rape. He eventually bought some lube to use because I wasn't aroused enough to lubricate naturally - of course, the thought of actual foreplay never crossed him mind. He would want to do different sexual positions that he'd seen in porn that I was uncomfortable with and sometimes I gave in, because
I thought that was what a good wife did to make her husband happy. I look back on this now and I can't believe I actually let him do this to me.

He eventually started talking to a school counselor (he was in art school while I was working and trying to get through community college) and decided that I was "controlling" him by not wanting him to watch porn. I felt that his porn use affected the way he interacted with me sexually, and I also hated that he would lie to me about his porn use and hide porn in our home
when I had explicitly forbidden that (due to his past behaviors). Anyway, this counselor listened to his side of the story and told him that his sexual desires were normal and fine, and that I was too controlling. So he felt vindicated. I was the problem, not him. His cheating on me, raping me, and coercing me constantly, and insisting on penetrating me when I
obviously wasn't enjoying it, no THAT wasn't the problem... the problem was that I HAD A PROBLEM WITH THAT BEHAVIOR. I hope this counselor loses her job, the sooner the better.

With the counselor's blessing, he bought a c*ck ring and tried to pressure me into having sex with him with it on. I said no. I refused all sexual contact with him for a whole month while I decided whether to leave him for good or not, and I told him exactly what I was doing and why. He supposedly wanted me to stay with him so he agreed to this one-month trial period... but then near the end of the month he started telling me that it wasn't FAIR to him for me to live in the same house and not give him any sex. Not fair, he said! Then at the end of the month, he told me that he'd been watching porn again but that he's stopped himself and was telling me "to be honest."

I told him, "I will never be able to trust you." He tried to argue with me, but that was the last straw. I left him that day and never looked back.
Submitted November 20 , 2010 8 : 11 am

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